13 August 2020

 

13 August 2020

 

So – it has been a while again.  I was going to suggest that I only write my blog if I am in a good mood but that’s not true because I wrote the blog all through losing my dad which is one of the hardest times of my life.  I think the lack of writing is time.  Actually that is not right either because I have lots of time where I just sit on my computer and browse or play – but for some reason I don’t make the time to write.  Maybe it is because I have nothing to say – nothing good, nothing to report….it is just same old same old. 

Andy pointed out to me the other day that I am just completely miserable all the time.  I know I feel miserable most of the time – but I didn’t think I came across like that lol.  I am miserable because I can’t seem to adjust to working full time.  I feel like I have had my life stolen.  When I am not in work, I am not off work long enough to think – right! I’ll work on this project or get on with that.  All I can think is – wow, I am supposed to be grateful for getting two whole days off, and it being so short, all I can seem to do is dread my two days being over and before I know it – I’m back at work again.

It is not like I don’t like the job – I do, as far as being employed by somebody else goes…I like getting paid! BUT I’d much rather be working for myself….either on the house or in property development.  I’m trying to figure something out so I can make it so!  In the meantime, I am apparently completely miserable lol.

I had a couple of crap incidents at work in the last couple of days too.  I had a very embarrassing lady moment incident in custody which I won’t go into detail about here! But I ended up driving home and crying on the phone to Andy.  Then yesterday I had to go to a different station and even though the weather has been unbelievably hot (because I am at work) it did rain – I went outside looking for somebody in the carpark to pass on a message, failed to find them but got wet in the rain, came back in, slipped on the floor and ended up sprawled all over the floor – initially thinking I’d broken my knee.  Luckily nobody saw this – but god I was annoyed and upset.  Just thinking THIS IS ALL CRAP! I have to drag myself off the floor and carry on working (way later than I should have been – this was at about midnight and I was supposed to have finished at 11pm) and I want my old life back where I didn’t HAVE to be anywhere and planned my own days and activities and LOVED LIFE (strop, strop, STROP!!!)

So getting things back into perspective, Andy is going to be jobless soon, so I am doing the right thing by working.  I have a good job, it’s what I used to do and the team are great, I have a great boss…blah, blah, blah……

Because this is effecting my mood, I am not doing other stuff – I’m not exercising with Lissa (or at all) although it is like 35 degrees most days lately (unless it is my day off as mentioned earlier!), and I am not keeping in touch with the kids or anybody really, I am not doing any work on the house….I am slobbing about doing nothing – Andy has been doing all the cooking or I just don’t eat cos I can’t be bothered.  I feel bad – I feel guilty.  Poor Andy.  He has all his own problems and he must just look at me and feel even worse.  I don’t know what to do – I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.  Andy keeps trying to talk to me to get me to see things differently, and it can help…in the short term.  Then I just get fed up again about all the things I want to do and cant, won’t or whatever!

AArrgghhhhhh

I should just mention that there are still many things in my life I am very grateful for, and I realise that I am extremely lucky to have the things that I have, and the people that I have.