Saying goodbye to my dad....

Today we all woke up extra early - before 7am.  We met as usual around the dining table, and had a brew and we were all anxious - discussing what we needed to do.  I got a shower - and then we were ready to take dogs out and stuff and realised it was only 8am...

We hung around - all of us with different things going around our heads.  I felt fairly unemotional - but full of adrenaline....we had until 12.30pm before the car turned up - all we had to do was get changed, grab the picture of my dad and put out coats on - so there was nothing else to do to prepare.

Mum and Helen went out with the dogs and I made a curry and put it in the slow cooker so food was sorted for later.  I spoke to Andy which was nice and comforting.  I just felt sort of numb - no crying, it was weird.

When they got back - I'd finished and Helen said - lets just go watch TV - but we started talking about wearing masks in public and maybe making them - and then we ended up looking up patterns and printing out instructions - and finding material to take home so we could make them....that distracted us for a while.  At 11.30am we started to get changed and ready - and before we knew it, it was 12.15 and family members were turning up outside.  I went out and was chatting to Bev and Jo - at a distance....and other people were in the street and opposite - some dressed in black - obviously there to see Dad off.  It was weird.  Then I saw the car approach with the funeral director walking ahead of the car carrying a long cane...and I got upset.  I'd been dreading that sight.  It was weird because I felt that everybody was watching us...the neighbours and others that had turned up.  We all got upset at this point - because our dad was in there...

There was some discussion about the route - and then we got in the car, Helen driving me and mum - and Joanne and Chris, Bev and George, Andrew and Antony followed.  We could see the people lining the road....we drove very slowly all the way there - it was a part of the day I had given no consideration to...we drove to the top of mums road and turned right - and more people there....people on their doorsteps had obviously been waiting to see us go past - in black.  We got to where my dad worked (where they had put a sign in the window - we saw yesterday) and quite a number of people were stood there too...it was very emotional.  I was so proud of dad - look at all these people who thought so much of you!!  The nice weather had gone really and it was a bit rainy, which felt appropriate.

We got there - and my Dads best friend Steve Lawrence was there - was good to see him.  We all waited outside for a little while - the funeral director was speaking to Mum - commenting on the amount of people lining the streets.  The Officiate who was speaking at the funeral - taking the service - introduced himself - he had communicated with Helen and it was he, who Helen had sent the eulogy to. He had realised that he also knew my dad! Typical! He knew everybody!!

Everybody there was upset that we had to stay apart - couldn't hug each other...  Then they got Dad out of the car and we followed him/them in, I don't think I watched that - didn't want to see the...coffin - god I hate that word!!   I tried my best to not even think of the fact that he was inside - just blocked that out really.  As we went in they played the Bet Middler song - Wind beneath my Wings - the main chorus is - Did you ever know that your my hero....that got me crying!!  I knew we were all thinking that he was indeed our hero! I just covered my face and didn't look at anybody else.  The place was pretty empty and alternate benches were taped off to keep people apart....me and Helen sat either side of mum at the front - which was good because I couldn't see other people getting upset which would have upset me more, at one point we both held mums hand and it felt good to be able to support her through it because she was struggling.

Then the officiate started talking...pretty soon he read out Helen's eulogy which she had put together using bits and pieces we had all mentioned to her - little things about the kind of person he was and memories.  Some of this made people laugh instead of cry and it was really lovely.  I just listened and thought about that and not about...well....the tragedy of it all.  Then Steve got up and spoke - he said some lovely things and also made us laugh - mostly about how my dad failed in learning french, and how he managed on their rugby trips to France - but always manage to be understood.   Steve broke down at the end and that was upsetting.  I was so grateful to him for getting up and saying such nice things - even though he was obviously heart broken.  My brother Andrew got up next and he also made people laugh a little - the french things were mentioned again!  It was obvious that Andrew struggled a little emotionally to get through it, but bless him, he did it and I was so proud of him - my dad would have been very proud too.  It wasn't as heart breaking and as sad as I thought it would be because the focus was on Dads sense of humour and our memories which were mainly of fun things - not all doom and gloom and sad hymns.  A poem was read out that Bev had suggested - that was upsetting...

After the poem they played the song my dad wanted at the funeral - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...a comedy song.  It made me smile - and I just looked down and listened - and I missed the curtain close so we could no longer see Dad which is probably a good thing - his photo (above) was on the...coffin - god never realised that word is so awful!!!

Then we left - staying apart which is so damn unnatural at a funeral!  We were given the flowers from the top of his....from in the car!! and we got the photo back - and we all stood around chatting a little about the absurdity of not being able to physically comfort each other - and then we went off to find my grandparents gravestone - my dads parents - to put the flowers on.  We found it - quite far away - and discussed how WRONG it was that they both outlived him - when dad was so much healthier, and fitter, and more active than they were.  My grandad died just before his 80th and my nan died at 84.  They were also amazing lovely people.  This coronavirus robbed us of him and it feels so unfair.  We all took one of the red roses from the flowers...and eventually said our goodbyes...for now.

We made our way back to the car - I was chatting to Andrew - the others went the opposite way as they had driven down to our grandparents graveside...and then we came home.

All over so quickly.  I was not the emotional mess I thought I was going to be - and I don't know why really...

When we got back I thought - sod it - and I got my dads whiskey and poured a glass - Mum and Helen then joined me with a brandy - and we raised a glass to my Dad.  I had a few more of these and felt quite squiffy!  We spent some time replying to messages on our phones and I messaged Andy - Helen spoke to Paul - we discussed how it had all gone....

Later we ate - and then plonked ourselves in front of the TV and watched the last of series 2 of the Money Heist.  Again, it was just a distraction for us all - I just wanted the time to go - and get to bed - have this day over with.  When it got to bed time Mum was quite quiet and sad and I know she is dreading us leaving tomorrow.  The house will be so quiet and I am worried about her, it will probably hit her properly when we have gone because she has not been alone since the day before he died....

I don't need to say it all again, but I am going to anyway...I'm going to miss my dad so much! Its not fair what happened to him...he tried so hard to fight it, and he should have won that fight because its so wrong, so wrong!! I'm so sorry Dad!!  It must have been awful and scary - and I'm so so sorry.  I love you so much xxxxx

The day before the funeral...

Tuesday
Total world cases: 3,122,833-------------------64,774  increase
Total fatalities:  216,479-------------------------5,171 increase
UK total: 161,145------------------------------- 3,996 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,678--------------------------- 586 increase

Wednesday
Total world cases: 3,207,514-------------------84,681  increase
Total fatalities:  227,198-------------------------10,719 increase
UK total: 165,221------------------------------- 4,076 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,097--------------------------- 4,419 increase (765 today)

Our figures are showing VERY high today because they have decided to add in the care home deaths - so we have had a big jump, but more realistic figures.  I don't think other countries are doing this - so worldwide figures are way too low - unfortunately.  Our daily figure is 765 so the drop only lasted a couple of days.  Apparently the UK has the highest number of UK deaths in Europe, with Italty being the worst hit - and we are third highest in the world with the US being the highest - they are also a LOT bigger than us - so the UK has really suffered a lot.

In the news Dominic Raab warned the UK was at a "dangerous moment", saying that the peak of the virus had not passed.

In other news Boris Johnson and his fiancee had a baby boy, and it is reported that president Trump 'erupted' at his campaign manager because he is falling in the polls after his stupid comments about injecting disinfectant! What a tool....

Today hasn't been great to be honest.  Feeling down and emotional.  Struggled to get through the day - thinking about tomorrow and feeling anxious and nervous.  I tried to keep busy - I went with Mum to walk the dogs and then Helen went out with mum to get her to put petrol in the car herself as Dad normally does it and mum was stressing about it.  Helen also got her to drive to Joanne's, as she gets nervous driving places.  Apparently they had a bit of a chat through the window.  They also drove past the shop where my dad worked and saw a sign in the window....

I was so touched about this - I messaged Gordon and thanked him on behalf of all of us.  Although I knew my dad was greatly loved by a lot of people - I am still surprised about the amount of people that have done so many nice things and tributes.  My mum got a really nice letter of condolence from some Rugby League organisation - possibly the paper....apparently a well respected and well known figure in rugby league....

Anyway, when they got back home Helen and Mum bathed the dogs and I was vacuumed my mums car out - it was one of the jobs she wanted to get done.  We wrote a list of stuff we need to remember to take when we leave on Friday because our stuff is scattered around the house as we have been living here for two weeks now.  Then we ran out of things to do - so we watched Money Heist in the afternoon.  We then had tea - and then we sat around the table getting sad and upset again talking about my dad.  We realised that we do this often....always after tea around the table.  Me and Helen also realised that when mum goes off to do things - like have a shower - we always end up talking - more openly and get upset - then have to look busy and change the subject when she comes back.  It is so good having Helen here - we can be really honest about the emotions and feeling we have, whilst it is more difficult with mum because we don't want to upset her.

So after tea we watched Money Heist again!  It really felt that we were just trying to kill time before we could get to bed - and wake up - knowing it is time for the funeral.  Something we all know is going to be extremely hard.  We are all anxious about it and dreading it.  I really don't know how I am going to keep it together - I know I don't have to....I just don't want to get in a real massive state and not be able to control myself.

So, I'm going to get to sleep - and face saying goodbye to Dad tomorrow....

Back in my bunk bed

Monday
Total world cases: 3,058,059-------------------71,349  increase
Total fatalities:  211,308-------------------------4,685 increase
UK total: 157,149------------------------------- 4,309 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,092--------------------------- 360 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 3,122,833-------------------64,774  increase
Total fatalities:  216,479-------------------------5,171 increase
UK total: 161,145------------------------------- 3,996 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,678--------------------------- 586 increase

The numbers seem high again today.  That sucks ass!  In the news - there was a minutes silence today for the 100 key workers that have died.  How bad is that - end up dying because you were helping the sick.  There are lots of sad stories - today two brothers died on the same day, twins died days apart...just people dying and suffering and families grieving, day after day and all over the entire globe. 

Care homes are also in the news - apparently care home deaths account for a third of the coronavirus deaths.  There have been 3,096 according to one news report - which is not a third - so not sure why these reports are conflicting but there is no doubt that lots of care homes are having huge problems.

Germany who have kept their numbers low have seen an increase since allowing small businesses to re-open.  That's scary because an attempt at a little normality has led to more people dying.  Hope we don't do this too soon.

Anyway - today was mostly the same again - I didn't go for the dog walk - I cleaned the bathroom and chatted to Andy instead.  Then I did what I have been putting off and went into the garage to sort out my dads tools - I'm taking lots of things so they don't get thrown away at a later date, and because last time I visited my dad was trying to give away some of his tools to me, so I know he would want me to have them (as I do lots of DIY).  It was hard though, and felt wrong taking his things...he has been a joiner all of his life so his tools were a big part of what he did.  Last time I went into the garage and looked at the tools, and saw the window frame he made me I totally lost it - which is why I have been putting it off.  This time I just got on with the job and tried not to be sentimental. I have plenty of time for that when I get home.

Hilda, my mum and dads friend from dancing came around to see my mum - they were chatting - from a distance - outside the garage where I was and I really did not want to meet her or see her.  It is very likely that it was her that passed the virus to them.  Apparently she was going to cancel dancing (she runs it) just before the lock down, and my mum said she was over-reacting - so it went ahead and my mum and dad spent time with her.  The next day she informed them that she was ill and probably had the virus, then my mum came down with it - then my dad.....

My mum, however, said 'Sam, come and meet Hilda' and I had to be polite and say hello (part of being British) I know I am maybe being unreasonable because, they didn't understand the full extent and danger of the virus, nor did Hilda know that she was ill - but it just makes me think - if only they hadn't gone, if only they had been more fearful and careful.  I suppose there is no turning back time...

After my mums soup and dumplings - which me and Helen love - we sat in the living room for a while and then I went back to bed for an hour.  I was just bored and tired today...

After tea - I retreated to my little room and got online with Andy, Connor & Emily, Adam & Erika and Lissa & Antony - and Connor & Emily hosted a quiz!  It was great to get together with everybody and see all of their faces!!  I was rather worried about the quiz - as I was on my own and not with Andy, and I am awful at general knowledge, I didn't want to embarrass myself!  As it happens I won hahah I just got lucky really!  Connor and Emily did a great job preparing and delivering the quiz! (thank you if you are reading this!) and we plan on taking turns hosting the quiz!

I had a few nice messages from Emily today - I never know what to say though when people are sympathetic to my situation - I don't want to reply and say - yeah its all crap, and I don't want to say - don't worry its all good - because is it isn't!  She told me that she was reading my blog, so hopefully she'll understand!  Anybody reading this will probably have the best insight into the situation although I never know if I express myself well or not.  I'm obviously not a very good or eloquent writer, but that is not what this is all about.  To be honest I wish other people I know would write a blog - because I'd love to see in more detail what they are up to and how they are coping and what they think and feel.

So - tomorrow is the day before the funeral, and I think we are all going to be very aware of it, but we have nothing to prepare or do - we are not having any kind of get together afterwards and there will be just 10 of us there.  If I'm very honest - I am absolutely dreading seeing the coffin - I find it hard to even say/type/think about that word because it should not be something I associate with my dad.  Last time at a funeral, I was horrified at the end when the coffin went rolling out through the curtain - and you knew what was going to happen.  It seems unbearable that I'll have to see that - knowing it is my dad, my wonderful dad who doesn't deserve to be there and shouldn't be there, and is only there because of this stupid, annoying, cruel damn virus.  Well, that was morbid and depressing....

I need to get to sleep...

what we actually do during the day....

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,986,710-------------------77,096  increase
Total fatalities:  206,623-------------------------3,821 increase
UK total: 152,840-------------------------------4,463 increase
UK Fatalities: 20,732--------------------------- 413 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 3,058,059-------------------71,349  increase
Total fatalities:  211,308-------------------------4,685 increase
UK total: 157,149------------------------------- 4,309 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,092--------------------------- 360 increase

So - a definite decline in cases for the UK! Boris Johnson was back today and made a speech outside No 10...he looked tired, but okay.  At the moment there is acknowledgement that we are slowing the death rate and rate of infection but that this is going to continue for some time.  In other news Bill Gates, who about 4 years ago predicted that the next threat to humans would be a viral pandemic, stated that a vaccine might be available in a year - possibly two years and President Trump did not do his daily meet with the press again - probably because his advisers and telling him to stay away because he is such an idiot!

Anyway.........

Today, as usual I was woken up by movement, chatting and the dogs and came downstairs, to find Helen on her laptop and mum in the conservatory doing something work related on her laptop.  I decided to make a proper coffee on the hob, there was a plastic bin with dog biscuits on the hob and when I moved it there was a spider underneath....I thought it had been put there to trap the spider, but no....it just happened to be there - I put the bin back on top of it - but managed to squash it accidentally.

Last night in the evening, mum went into the kitchen to get something and shouted out - saying somebody needs to come and get this spider!!  I thought - well, not me! and Helen said - I'm not!!  So I had to step up and catch and release that one - something I'd normally get Andy to do!  So that's my new job now....

So - I made a coffee on the hob and it was horrible - so chucked it away.  Looking forward to getting back to my expensive coffee maker at home!  Whilst I was doing this Helen was typing things for the eulogy and asked me about the can of lemonade that me and dad passed between us.  What she was referring to was this: when the twins were babies, I used to go with my mum and dad to Salford precinct every Wednesday afternoon, and we would go to specific places for specific things - like eggs in the indoor market, weigh-and-save (which I don't think exists anymore) for my mums cake mix or whatever she bought - I didn't really need anything, I'd go for the company and to get out of the house with the kids.  We'd normally get lunch too.  On this particular day - when we got back to the car I discovered that Dad had stuck his rubbish in the hood of my buggy - this included a small empty lemonade can.  So I tried to give it back to him but he was laughing and refused to take it.  I think I managed to get it into his car - but he managed to get it back into mine! lol.  In the end I packed everything up - and when ready to go - threw it in his car, ran back to mine and drove off laughing.  I got to the exit and and had to stop to give way to traffic and he came running up and stuck it on the top of my car aerial and then HE ran off laughing.  So - later that evening, I drove around to their house - ran in - found them in the living room watching TV - so I quickly put it down on the table in front of them and ran as fast as I could out of the house and sped off!  This continued for years - it has been posted, wrapped up for Christmas, placed underneath pillows, all sorts (I wish I could remember all of the instances) There could be a year or more between exchange of this can, but it was never forgotten and would always reappear.  It wasn't long ago that I thought of this can - I think I still have possession of it - but I'm not sure where it is.  So after about 25 years - my Dad won!

The above story just illustrates his sense of fun - and MY sense of fun - which he instilled in me.  It has made me smile remembering this - and it might even make an appearance in his eulogy.

Another thing we have laughed about this week is his love of rugby and how he ended up with four daughters and no sons (until a few years later)  I was the closest he got to a boy so he tried to get me into it, but I had no love of the game really and didn't really understand it.  I know we ended up being put into a summer club thing - which was supposed to be for the rugby lads... and I used to go and watch him referee, but everybody knew I only went for the pie and peas afterwards! LOL.  He once got me to be the touch judge and run up and down the line - but I didn't have clue what I was doing!  I remember owning rugby boots too....and him teaching us how to throw and catch a rugby ball (in the living room!).  So, one day I was going with him to watch the under 12's final in a big stadium (possibly Salford's ground), it was a fairly big event.  One of the teams was a player short so he MADE me do it!!  I hadn't got a clue what to do - but he said - don't worry - we'll stick you at the back, you won't have to do anything.  So, I stood at the back feeling extremely awkward, and then one of the players on the other team made a break for it with the ball and there was only me left to stop him or he would score! With the crowd all cheering for him, I manage to intercept him - but I didn't know how to tackle!! I grabbed his shirt and spun him around until he fell on the floor! lol.  I stopped him scoring though!!  I can't remember if the team I was playing on won or not - but I suppose they wouldn't have been able to play at all if I had not stepped in.  I got a medal for this too as it was the final!  This was not something I would have done at all, but dad made me really!

So today Helen was working on the eulogy and we were trying to figure out when dad had cut his hair - he used to have a comb over - but saw himself on TV (he was a touch judge on a rugby match) and on TV the wind was blowing his comb over and it was sticking up!  He cut it off after he saw that.  Mum said she had DVD's of him playing rugby so me and Helen were watching them to try and figure out when it was exactly that he had seen the footage leading to his haircut.  We didn't find the right one but it was awesome seeing dad as a touch judge and this then led to us watching Bev's wedding - and Dads speech - and his famous joke about pizza's!  My kids are on it too - and me and Andy - all looking very young - it was from 1999, so me and Andy would both have been 28 years old.  Was lovely seeing dad though....

After we watched this - Helen asked me to read through the eulogy to check it through - and it was so good - she has done such a good job, and obviously it made me cry again - which in turn gave me another headache.

Helen then went off to bed to try and get rid of her migraine, and me and mum went out with the dogs.  When we got back we had some lunch, and mum went off to do some work from home - and I watched another old DVD - this time it was the joint party my mum, dad and nan had - aged 50, 60 and 70 years old.  The DVD though was just the band - which was Andy and Paul! So that was awesome to watch - Helen got up feeling okay in the middle of this viewing!

Then we watched TV whilst crocheting (I know - saddo) but I finished the rainbow:

Crochet rainbow

We then had tea - and afterwards we sat around the table chatting - this inevitably ended up talking about dad and how we hoped he didn't suffer too much and hoped he wasn't scared at the end and the three of us ended up in tears...we had to try and shake it off and carry on...

We sat down to watch Money Heist which we have all become quite addicted to.  Coco, one of my mums dogs is adorable and she keeps running off with our socks or Helen's slippers....she managed to get a slipper again...

She growls when you try and take it off her! But she doesn't bite you or anything - well, not yet anyway!  She is such a sweety!

We had a nice evening together and then got to bed.  We came upstairs and I went to the loo - making note of Helen's door being slightly open and thinking - she is going to try and get me back after last night (me jumping out on her)....so I came out of the bathroom and thought - I am going to see if Helen is in her room before I go into mine - and she wasn't there! ha! So I came in my room - saying You're busted Helen - and I found her laying on the floor on the far side of my bed!  She would have frightened the life out of me if I had got in bed then she suddenly jumped out!  However, it was the place I would have chosen too - so I would have checked there anyway!

My first Dad dream....

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,909,614-------------------83,582  increase
Total fatalities:  202,802-------------------------5,768 increase
UK total: 148,377-------------------------------4,913 increase
UK Fatalities: 20,319---------------------------813 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,986,710-------------------77,096  increase
Total fatalities:  206,623-------------------------3,821 increase
UK total: 152,840-------------------------------4,463 increase
UK Fatalities: 20,732--------------------------- 413 increase

Hmmm not only does the UK fatalities look lower - but so do the global ones....please let this be a sign that things are changing!

Spain has recorded its lowest daily death toll in a month - and ours was lower too.  Sky News said: There is a "very definite trend" downwards in the number of people in hospital with coronavirus", and "The proportion of critical care beds in UK taken by COVID-19 patients is also declining".  This is showing how the social distancing is working.  I hope it now just continues to fall - and I hope that it falls quickly!  We are not however going to get a vaccine this year, and so the social distancing needs to stay in place until we do.

Boris Johnson is back at no. 10 Downing St, ready for work tomorrow!  That's good - he seems to have been away for ages and he'll have personal insight into how awful it is.

So - another groundhog day.  I dreamt this morning - very briefly that I saw my dad - he looked really young like he did in all the photo's we have been looking at - the shock and joy of seeing him woke me up - so it was very brief.  It made me start the day off feeling very sad.  I came down and was chatting to Helen and we were both getting upset - this was short lived as mum didn't notice and got us involved with something straight away - she did this a few times today without being aware of it.  Might be a good thing as she stopped us dwelling on it.

We all went out with the dogs today which was nice.  The weather is still good and it gets us out for a while.  The rest of the day was pretty much the same - Helen worked a bit on the Eulogy and I tried to help and wanted to, but she was typing away on her laptop and it was difficult to help really.

After lunch and a few admin things - we sat down and I gave in to the pressure and crocheted a rainbow!  People have been putting rainbows in their windows - it is supposed to be a positive thing - to cheer people up, lots of kids have been drawing them.  So, Helen had already done one - so I did one too - I still need to stitch it up and put pom poms on it.  Helen took a picture of me and mum both crocheting - and sent it to our group chat - revenge because I did the same with her and mum the other day! lol

All three of us were sat there crocheting - like three old ladies!

We did the usual thing - got tea and watched TV - we have been very lazy today.

We came to bed - and Helen was in the loo, so I hid in her room to make her jump.  This is something we do on a fairly frequent basis - I do it with my kids and always have, and Helen does it with her family too - although I have got a reputation for not taking it very well when people do it to me!

So, I waited in her bedroom - the door was closed and as she came through the door - I jumped out at her - and she properly shouted out, but, she was carrying a glass of water haha it went everywhere.  I could not stop laughing! I know I am going to regret it because she'll make sure she gets me back.  It was a nice way to finish the day - laughing instead of being fed up and sad. I then went to the loo and was so nervous coming out and going into my room - checking on top of the bunk bed and anywhere else she could have been hiding....

Monday tomorrow - getting closer to the funeral - and coming home.  The house is going to be really quiet when me and Helen go home - back to our loved ones, whilst my mum will then be left alone.  I feel awful about that - but what can we do? I plan on video calling as much as I can, but its not the same.  It would be so much better if the lock down was over and she could get back to work and have some human interaction (face to face), but instead she will be stuck in an empty house...she doesn't like going out with the dogs on her own either.  I am going to be worrying about her....

Saturday Night

Friday
Total world cases: 2,826,032-------------------111,296  increase
Total fatalities:  197,034-------------------------6,741 increase
UK total: 143,464-------------------------------5,386 increase
UK Fatalities: 19,506---------------------------768 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,909,614-------------------83,582  increase
Total fatalities:  202,802-------------------------5,768 increase
UK total: 148,377-------------------------------4,913 increase
UK Fatalities: 20,319---------------------------813 increase

So today the UK hit 20,000 deaths.  At the beginning of this our government said we'd be lucky to stay under 20,000 deaths - I might have mentioned it here - and I don't remember what I said about it then, but I remember thinking - wow!  But this whole thing turned into much more of a nightmare than I ever thought it would.  I remember thinking - oh god, if my Dad catches it, he won't survive.  I don't know if I really thought that - if I really considered it a real possibility.  How cruel it was to end for him this way for him - I still can't really believe it.  Every time I see the figures, I can't help thinking how one of those was my Dad and it makes me feel a mixture of anger and sorrow as well as many other emotions and almost, like a confusion...how?? why?? NO!! It can't have happened really!

Today, I haven't really allowed myself to think about it, and I've remained in a fairly good mood.  That seems weird to me - how can I be okay? But - I've just blocked it out for a while.  I've been avoiding thinking about the funeral - because will be very real, too real and too horrible.  Dreading it.

The deaths today seem high to me - especially as 'they' said that the weekend figures are lower because the people reporting are not at work.  I just wish it would stop! Just go away!!  The madness is unbearable...

I think maybe the misery is catching up with me after a positive day.  Helen has been really down today - very emotional.  She says she's tired, or hormonal - but I think it is all catching up on her after keeping really busy and driven to sort everything out for my mum.  She has her kids at home so she probably feels guilty about that too and she is stressing about the Eulogy - but we are going to sit down together tomorrow and sort it out.

Today Andrew (my brother) and his wife Lorna and their 4 kids came around - they stood outside of the garden - with us inside - and we chatted for a good hour or so in the sunshine.  That was nice to see them all...

My mum mentioned today the 3 pictures that she has on her phone - she took them the day my dad died - he was is a state with a huge mask on - and I told her that I don't want to see those pictures again, and she said why? because I don't want to remember him like that! Part of me does want to see them again - almost like I want to feel the anguish....I don't know.....its a confusing time.  I don't want to ever think about him like that - why would I want to see a picture of it.  My mum said - but its the last time I ever saw him! I think she will feel the same as I do about it soon.  Who knows?

I'm rambling.

We didn't really do much for the rest of the day - had tea...watched TV....looked through some more old photo's....

Its a little bit like Groundhog day...each day so similar to the last....same thing on the news everyday, same routine, weekdays and weekends are exactly the same.  We are like a very small all-female commune!  The three of us together, doing chores and tasks, walking dogs, making meals, sitting in front of the TV in the evening and getting to bed early....its like I'm in a strange, unfamiliar - but getting to feel more familiar - bubble.

Anyway - changing the subject - I was informed that my blog is in the top 100 lifestyle blogs with a website called feedspot.  https://blog.feedspot.com/uk_lifestyle_blogs/

I do not know much about this website and haven't had much of a chance to have a proper look at it - but I will eventually.  If people are reading my blog I'd love to hear from you in the 'comments'.

I need to get to sleep - ready for my early morning wake-up call from my mums dogs!

Goodnight xx

Saturday Morning

Hi - so I went to bed last night without writing the blog - but I did manage to get the figures for yesterday....

Thursday
Total world cases: 2,714,736------------------- 81,504 increase
Total fatalities:  190,293-------------------------6,468 increase
UK total: 138,078-------------------------------4,583 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,738---------------------------638 increase

Friday
Total world cases: 2,826,032-------------------111,296  increase
Total fatalities:  197,034-------------------------6,741 increase
UK total: 143,464-------------------------------5,386 increase
UK Fatalities: 19,506---------------------------768 increase

It was reported that the death rate figures in the UK are reducing.  Hard to see really when it is always so many still....

Also in the news - thousands of home testing kits were made available to essential workers and their families - you had to apply online and they were gone within an hour.  It only tests if you have it - not the anti-body test like I assumed, so not sure how helpful that will be - better than nothing I assume with people finding out they have it when they had no idea as there are supposedly so many people with no symptoms.

President Trump seems to be a complete ass.  On Thursday he spoke about injecting disinfectant into the body to cure coronavirus (which would actually kill you!) he asked medical experts to look into it.  Then on Friday he claimed that he "was asking a question sarcastically to reporters like you just to see what would happen."  Who does that? People with the virus who were scared may have done this and killed themselves!  He is such an idiot.

Here's what Trump said Thursday while looking in the direction of coronavirus response coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx and Department of Homeland Security science official Bill Bryan: "And then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning. Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. So, that, you're going to have to use medical doctors with. But it sounds -- it sounds interesting to me."

So - yesterday - same as usual really, went walking with the dogs in the sun, had lunch outside - I am having so much trouble with Airbnb - we have had a guest for a week now - who hasn't manage to book or pay yet because Airbnb have blocked my calendar and they are supposed to unblock for the medical profession - and they can't seem to do it, so I wasted a lot of time on chat to them and nothing was achieved.  This morning our guest tried to book later dates where it is not unblocked but airbnb want to charge her a £100 service fee.  If they sorted it out properly, with our guest as a key worker they would waive their fees.  It makes me wonder if it is the loss of their fees that is making it so difficult to sort it out.  So its an ongoing very annoying problem.  If they don't sort it out today I am going to tweet about how they are letting health workers and host down....

So - yesterday we discussed getting online with Andy and Paul - for a 'get together' and I was really tired and Helen wasn't in the mood - but in the end I had a kip and Helen bucked up and we got online together and played Family Fortunes lol.  It was a good night actually - although we lost!  Mum watched a film as she didn't fancy it.  We had a drink but didn't get drunk so we were not feeling rough this morning which is awesome!

Last night Helen broke my mum's clipboard - she just lent on it - she claimed that she was going to blame me - and this morning - she actually did blame me!! Very convincingly!  I get in trouble for everything already as it is! Luckily she admitted it was her - although only after mum said it was cracked already!

Apparently I'm 'spongy'

Hi

Wednesday
Total world cases: 2,633,232------------------- 76,745 increase
Total fatalities:  183,825-------------------------6,593 increase
UK total: 133,495-------------------------------4,451 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,100--------------------------- 763 increase

Thursday
Total world cases: 2,714,736------------------- 81,504 increase
Total fatalities:  190,293-------------------------6,468 increase
UK total: 138,078-------------------------------4,583 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,738---------------------------638 increase

The news today said that the UK figures are the lowest weekday figures in three weeks - apparently the weekend figures are lower because the people that report the figures are not at work - which pushes higher figures during the week.  I am guessing that when I said the figures were low and the news reporters didn't mention it - it must have been the weekend.

The news also says that as from tomorrow essential workers and their families can get tested - I assume the anti-body test.  It would be awesome to get a test and find out you've had it and been asymptomatic, what a relief that would be!  I think I might be an essential worker - when I'm actually back at work!  But...it might be a waste of the test because I really don't think I've had it - I think I have been very careful, even at the hospital....but you never know.

So....today - me and Helen went out early to have another look on the park to try and find mum's bracelet - but unfortunately we didn't. 

Joanne came around with some food from a farm shop - and we stood chatting for a while - from a distance.  At one point mum said to her that she was getting hugs off me and Helen - she said she has Helen, the skinny one - and Me - the......spongy one!!  Thanks mum!! 

Mum also said how Helen had been great doing all the paperwork etc. which she absolutely has - and then said and Sam has....and she struggled to say what I've been doing lol.  I know she didn't mean it, she knows I've done stuff too - if nothing else - moral support! But I have also been chasing things up, doing spreadsheets, cleaning, cooking, sorting shopping out...it was just funny at the time that she couldn't think of anything!

I had a video call with Lissa for a while when mum and Helen went out with the dogs - was lovely to see her lovely smiley face and her huge pregnant belly!  She has 5 weeks left! I was determined to make the call all positive and not get upset about anything - and that was quite easy as Lissa is just a naturally happy positive person and probably brings out the best in me.  It felt nice and more normal than things have seemed lately. 

We all had lunch outside again and then retired to the living room.  Mum went for a shower at one point and me and Helen got to chat openly without upsetting mum - about the things that we are concerned about (leaving mum, our family at home, the funeral arrangements, how we will probably go home and cry freely).

I made a chilli in the slow cooker tonight which I think mum really enjoyed - another success which is cool. 

At 8pm we went out to do the clap for the NHS - emotional, because we did it last week just after dad had died, and it brought it back, and we were clapping for the people that helped him and were with him at the end.  You could here people all around clapping and banging on things, and fireworks.  It is great to see/hear the nation coming together.  I guess the neighbors knew we had lost dad too...

So - after that we watched Money Heist - and then I came to bed. 

Funeral is a week today - Helen is getting stressed that if ppl are not happy with how it goes - what gets read out - they will blame her so I am going to get more involved with what people want said etc. then if there are any complaints, they can complain about both of us.  Helen was saying that she doesn't think anybody really understands what we went through last week at the hospital and with mum, and they probably don't.  Everybody was just dealing with their own upset and grief.  We went through something quite traumatic - having to push mum to be strong and go in there and be there for dad, and not give in to her emotions - and the call we had from the visitors room with dad.  It was all quite horrifying and mega upsetting and just horrible.  I don't mind or care if people don't appreciate what we went through and don't understand/know or whatever.  It makes me think that maybe Helen is struggling with that trauma - and any sign of complaint about the funeral will make her really angry - well, that would make me angry too I guess....  I dunno....just think Helen has taken on too much too fast after Dad died and she needs to give herself a break.

Goodnight xxx

Coronavirus Peak

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Wednesday
Total world cases: 2,633,232------------------- 76,745 increase
Total fatalities:  183,825-------------------------6,593 increase
UK total: 133,495-------------------------------4,451 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,100--------------------------- 763 increase

The death rate in the UK is still high - with total fatalities at 183,825 - and these are probably just a fraction in reality.  I bet we'll actually lose over a million worldwide, if we haven't already.

The news today says that the UK will have socially disruptive measures in place at least until the end of the year, and that we are only going to see the end of this when we get a vaccine, or medication which stops people from dying.  It is going to be such a long time until we see some kind of normality.  Even then, so many things will have changed and never go back to how they were.  I have no idea what, or how the world will look - but I'm guessing that many things will have changed for the worst and some things for the better - who knows?  We just need to get to a safe place and worry about the rest of it later.

Will we keep our jobs? Will we still have our house? Will we even have our gorgeous puddy cats - as two domestic cats have now tested positive for the virus in New York - they have respiratory symptoms - and the news was asking people not to abandon their pets! I bet people will and that's just awful!

Anyway....another day of ups and downs....I was up before Helen today which is unusual - even though we are all up around the same time.  She was awake - but struggling.  She came down upset - and continued to be upset for a while.  Today was a week since our dad died.  This was marked by the fact that we could open the bag of my dads few possessions that he had at the hospital - as well as the hand prints that they did.  This was something we all found a bit weird.  They asked if we wanted a lock of hair - but he didn't really have any!  I guess that this is something the hospitals started to do when family members could not be there with their loved ones at all during their illness, and very limited amount of time at the end.  We agreed to the hand prints because we didn't want to regret it if we said no.  So we opened and saw the hand prints and it was weird, and emotional for all of us.  I kept thinking of the state he was in when they took them.. I assume it was when he was unconscious at the end - so looking at the hand prints was kinda awful.

Helen couldn't really control her emotions - so I suggested she went back upstairs and had a proper good cry, which has been a little difficult really and we keep trying to pull ourselves together instead of completely letting go (like I did after my conversation with the florist the other day).  Helen disappeared for a while - and I started to do a financial spreadsheet for my mum so she could see exactly what she has coming in and going out - and thank god she didn't end up in negative figures, so she was reassured that she'd cope financially.

Me and mum went out with the dogs as usual - and on our return had some lunch at a table outside because the weather is so nice.  After this Mum realised that she'd lost the bracelet that she got as a retirement present - we searched and even went back to the park, where a weirdo on a 3 wheeled moped thing was playing reggae music stupidly loud - he had stereo speakers attached, it was quite unsettling when he started to look with us too - but a nice gesture I suppose.  Unfortunately we never found it.

I saw that my Dad was in the Manchester Evening News today - his photo was alongside lots of other people that had died of the coronavirus - one of my siblings must have sent in the info because it said something about each of the people - to let people see that these are not just number - they are actual people.  I had mixed feelings when I saw it - seeing him alongside all the others - like you see when there has been a terrorist attack or other disaster.  I didn't want to see him there!!! I want him to be fine and safe and at home!

We all went and sat down and Mum started to talk about how she was dreading me and Helen leaving and was worried about getting really upset when we do because she didn't want us to feel bad - and this turned into a conversation about her having to live without my dad and she got really upset.  It was awful because there is nothing we can do or say to change the reality of that.  Her whole life has been irreversibly changed forever.  She has lost her companion and is going to have to face everything she does without him.  It was honestly awful and I cannot imagine how hard that must be.  We just tried to tell her that she will get through it, it will get easier and that we'll always be there for her...very difficult conversation and very difficult see her cry and feel so lost.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same as every other, although I did video message Andy and we chatted for about an hour and a half he walked around the garden and was showing me the cats and house - and everything else I am missing.  He is very lonely and feeling very down, and has nobody for company, I feel really bad for him but there is nothing we can do other than try and offer some emotional support we can for each other. 

Anyway we had tea - started watching a series called The Heist - which was good so very much distracted us from dwelling on negative thoughts!

When I came to bed Helen messaged me asking if I was okay and we discussed how hard the conversation had been with mum, and how hard it will be to leave, knowing other people can't visit - other than to speak to her over the garden fence at a distance.

Screwed up cruel world right now, with no end in sight. I'd like to say it couldn't get much worse - but it really could - something I cannot dwell on or I'd never sleep at night - its difficult enough as it is.

Mouse trap

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Well, yesterday I spoke about how the UK deaths had reduced - and the day before - but today they are back up again.  828 people had to go through something awful - and all their families are now grieving - and that's just in the UK.   The news today states that we may have got over the peak and that the increase in deaths today may have been a delay in reporting.  However, deaths from other causes have increased - because of the knock-on effect.  So many people dying, and so many people going insane because of the lock down.  Almost everybody must be suffering some kind of negative effect but I bet quite a lot of people are enjoying being at home unaffected by it all - wish I was one of those people!

Today - we all got up - stupidly early again. Chatted and did some admin and then Helen went out with mum today with the dogs.  We think we may have got through the scary time span where we would have shown symptoms if we had contracted the virus at the hospital - but that's not 100% certain....whilst they were out I called to arrange the flowers for the casket - and near the end of the conversation she asked for my dads name - and when I told her - she sort of gasped, because she knew my dad - unsurprising, as so many people knew him! She seemed really thrown by this and I went to pieces again as soon as I got off the phone.  I just kept thinking - or actually saying - I'm so sorry dad!! I was thinking - I'm so sorry this happened to you!!

It was at this point that I decided to write the letter to my dad that is on this blog.  I just felt that I needed to say a few things to him.  I think it did me a lot of good writing it.  I had a massive dilemma about posting that here on the blog - I put it up and took it down again a few times - but in the end decided to leave it up.  Might never be able to read it back without getting upset.  But the whole point of this blog is to be able to look back at everything and see and feel how I was feeling at any point in time.

I tried to straighten myself out before mum and Helen came back - but I failed really.  Its okay though - we have all got used to each other randomly getting upset.

A few days ago my mum told me that, Hilda, the woman that runs the dancing club they go to was not going to go - or cancel the dancing session and my mum said - we'll be okay, people are overreacting - so they all went dancing and the next day Hilda told my mum she wasn't well and thought she had the virus - then my Mum came down with it - and then my dad caught it.  She feels responsible now that if she hadn't said that to Hilda my Dad would still be alive.  I tried to reassure her - she shouldn't have to live with that guilt, and she was self isolating by 20th March and the lock down came on 23rd.  Horrible thought though that it could possibly have been avoided.

After lunch me and Helen went into the attic - Mum and Dad had wanted us to go up there and take anything that might be ours as they have a lot of stuff up there.  I hadn't expected to find anything of mine because I think they gave me my stuff years ago.  We joked about it being like friends when Ross found loads of memorabilia from his childhood in his parents garage but all Monica's boxes had been used to protect her dads car during a flood.  Helen found loads of her stuff and there was hardly anything of mine - just 3 old games.  Mouse trap and...cant remember the name of it now - but a game I never would have remembered about!  There was also spirograph - and I was so chuffed because underneath the pieces in the box was lots of drawings and I thought awww look at these I did - only to find Helens name on it all as well as our Bevs!

We didn't really do much for the rest of the day.  I had made campfire stew which is made with a big gammon joint and goes in the slow cooker.  At some point during the day I thought that it wasn't cooking well/quick enough so I turned it to high.  I really wanted to make something nice for me and mum and really wanted it to turn out well.  When I came back to it at 5pm I discovered that I had set it to 'keep warm' rather than high - so it wasn't as tender as it should be.  I didn't really enjoy it - but my mum seemed to which was a relief!

Our evening was the same as usual - watched the end of Tiger King - and I came to bed early as usual.

The battery is about to go on my laptop - so I'm going to leave it there.

Letter to my Dad

This is quite personal, but is is something I have decided to do - because I think I need to.  I debated keeping this private - but it is my blog, my diary and I'm just laying it all out there....

Dad,

I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you!  I know you'd be pissed off knowing that this damn virus got to you - and you couldn't beat it.  We were so hopeful weren't we? We thought that you'd be back home! We discussed when that might be and I really believed it - I really believed you would win the fight!  I know you tried as hard as you could and there was nothing more you could do.  I'm so angry dad, you didn't deserve this - you didn't deserve to suffer like that.  It must have been so terrible - and so scary.  You told me if you got pneumonia you'd be a gonner - and you were right.  Seeing you near the end with that huge mask on was awful, and it was really awful not being able to understand what you were saying a lot of the time.  I'm sorry if you said things to me that I just nodded to - but there is only so many times I could ask you to repeat it - without feeling terrible and I could see it was difficult for you.  I'm also so sorry that we couldn't be there with you.  I know you were so upset when your Dad died alone, and I always thought that no matter what - I'd be there for you and I couldn't be.

I know that your biggest worry would have been Mum.  Well me and helen have been here for her the whole time, and you'd be proud of her - she is doing well and I think she will get through it so don't worry!!

Dad - the amount of people sending their wishes and condolences is huge - so many people thought so much of you - you've made us all so proud, so proud that you were our dad!  I think it has helped mum so much - having so many people sending their best wishes etc. 

You did such a great job and were so organised with all your paperwork - so we (mainly Helen) have been sorting out everything we possibly can for Mum so she doesn't have to do it and made this so much easier for us! We had no idea at all that you were so well organised!

Apparently you said to a few people that you wanted the song Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - at your funeral!  Mum wasn't keen to be honest, but she understands - and it is so typical of you to want something that would make people smile through the tears. 

I am going to miss you so much - I know that you knew how much I loved you  how much all of us loved you.  We can't come together at this awful time, but we all got together online - you would have been proud - we all got quite drunk and had many laughs - talking about you and your stories!  You have instilled in us all - a sense of family and a good sense of humour! 

Dad, thank you so much for all the help you gave us with the house!  I plan on sanding and repainting the door you fixed for us when I get back home again!  I found the sash window you made for me in the garage - it made me cry to think of the effort you had put in to make it - and it was one of the last things you said to me - I need to do your sash window!  Well don't worry - the window you made will be fitted - I'll arrange it, your effort will not be wasted!!

I'll never get over losing you dad.  You meant the world to me.  I know I was your favourite ;-) You just didn't admit it because you didn't want to upset the others!! 

Who I am going to turn to when I need advice on DIY? I have thought to myself a few times already - I'll ask my dad...(like trying to work your lawn mower!) and then remembered I can't anymore, and it hurts.  I know you wouldn't want us to be sad and upset but that is too difficult right now, we are all heart broken. 

You would be touched by the tributes - there might even be a Roy Carter Challenge Cup rugby match later in the year.  Different organisation like Langworthy and the Art Club have all done their own tributes - with so many comments - and even shared stories that have made us all laugh.

Rest easy dad - with no worries.  Mum will be okay - we will make sure of it.  She is stronger than you think - or maybe you knew?

Love you forever. xxx

Tired and weary

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Another significant decrease in UK deaths - which I hope IS actually significant and not just a temporary dip - still a lot of people dying too early, but it is promising.  Not too much made of it on the news however which surprises me. I just had a look on BBC news and Sky News and they simply reported the numbers without mentioning the fact that it has gone down again.  Maybe this is just indicative of reporters mainly focussing on negative things or maybe reporters know that this will be short lived?

Some people in America are protesting against the lock down because of the harm to businesses and livelihoods.  If they had a loved one go through what my dad did I swear they wouldn't even consider should a stupid protest.  I understand that people are struggling and are under threat of not being able to pay - or can't pay mortgages - but your life is more important than material things.  Maybe I'd feel the differently if I was going to lose my house and I had no personal experience with the virus so I won't judge too harshly.  I just think that the more people that socialise and ignore the advice or protest, the more people will die - including those very protesters.  Maybe they will regret it when they are in hospital on a ventilator contemplating their own mortality.

Anyway...after a bad nights sleep I was woken up at 7.15am by Mum and Helen getting up.  I got up - and joined them and Helen was getting a migraine - she suffers very badly with them and is on all sorts of medication so it was quite worrying.  She took pills in the hope that she could stop a full blown one....we were expecting to hear from the funeral home with a date, so she wanted to get that over with.  We both started to check what we had to follow up on today - and started doing that...I was chasing up about the Wills and Power of Attorney - not because we needed them but we wanted to locate them and make sure everything was in order.  I was following up on a debt my mum managed to get a County Court Judgement on - in a case where we have now been told the woman in question had died of cancer.  Its awful to question this - but she lied to my mum again and again...

I cut the grass again - a bit shorter and trimmed around edges with scissors! Looks much better.  Then we heard back from the funeral home - 30th April - 10 days from today.  Another 10 days away from home.  It seems like a long time.  I want to be here for my mum for as long as possible but its not easy really - for reasons I mentioned yesterday.  I still haven't heard back from my boss either - he is probably on rest days - but I need some reassurance really because I am a little worried about the time I have been off.  It is probably not too bad because this virus has turned everything on its head but still....

We had some lunch and then I went with my mum with the dogs to the park, and when we got back Helen was in bed.  I started to go through lots of photographs - sending some via messenger to my kids, of when they were all little.  My mum seems to have better ones of my lot when they were young than I do!  After this - we watched TV for a while - and then it was time to think about food - and Helen got up - after 5 hours in bed - feeling much better which was a relief.

The shopping we ordered wasn't arriving until late so we decided to order take-out.  It was very average - but solved the dilemma of what to have.  We then settled down again in front of the TV - and watched Tiger King again.  My mum and Helen are both into their crochet - my mum does all sorts - but they have this in common - I am getting a bit of pressure to join in!!

I have been so tired all day and headachy - to at about 9.40pm I left them to it - I came to bed and had a quick chat via messenger with Andy and wrote this blog.  I need to get to sleep asap - or my early night will be wasted - it is already 11pm!!  That went quickly!  Good night...

Another day in isolation....

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Hi,

So, today is the lowest daily increase in deaths in the UK in the last two weeks.  I have no idea if this means anything - I hope it means they are going to continue to decrease, that it means the lock down is having an effect and that we are starting to turn the tide - fingers crossed it is even lower tomorrow. 

The news is talking about how front line staff  such as doctors and nurses are running out of protective equipment, some was supposed to arrive today from Turkey but didn't for some reason.  Having seen the protective equipment needed on video chat with my dad - I can't imagine what will happen if they don't have it! They can't just go into rooms with people full of the virus unprotected - they'd have to refuse and then the poor people suffering will suffer even more - so I sincerely hope that this is rectified very soon!

When my dad was moved to the high dependency ward in the last 24-48hrs, and we video chatted - the nurse answered the video call we made - we saw the nurse in full protective gear and it was so sad knowing my dad had to see that.  It was something that we discussed today.  Helen said that some people assumed that we had got to see dad at the end - and said to her (and they have said it to me too) Its good that you got to see him at the end.  This is frustrating for two reasons - one - we didn't get to see him in the flesh, and two - when we saw him on video call it was heart wrenching, not good to see that at all!  We got quite upset thinking about this - it is one of the things I try not to let myself think about because it is just too hard...

Today was pretty bad again in many ways.  In general, we seem to be doing fine - get up have breakfast and a brew, think about things we have to do today...  Big boxes of photographs were dug out.  We started to go through them - laughing, and sawing awww look at dad here, or look at dad with my kids etc.  Other pictures were funny, or just reminded us of the things we had done, forgotten about etc.  I gave up after a while thinking i'd come back to them tomorrow.  We took pictures of some of them on our phones and took some of the actual photo's as my mum doesn't need/want them all.

After doing this for a while me and mum took the dogs out for a bit and had a walk around the park.  Its quite nice really because we got out of the house and can have some quality time together.

I spoke to Andy on the way back as we have a couple arriving today to stay in the annex for a couple of months.  It's a doctor and her partner who is a 4th year medical student.  Airbnb are being crap and they haven't even managed to actually book and pay for it - but we let them come along anyway knowing (hoping) we can sort it out eventually.  Andy had to sort the annex out by himself - change beds and clean etc.

We got home and had lunch and I decided to go and have a look at the sash window that Dad had made for us and was going to fit - probably around now, or soon.  When I saw it I went to pieces - how good was he to make that for us and fit it!!  The time and effort he had put in!  I really hope he knew how much I appreciated it.  Everyday I see evidence of how awesome he was and it makes me miss him more and more.  I get angry and think - I want him back!!!!

So...I got a shower and just sat at my laptop not really knowing what to do with myself while Helen and my mum chatted in the garden for a while.  I just felt completely fed up and depressed.  We ended up sat in the living room, and I slept for about ten minutes - knackered all the time at the moment.  My mum had a more substantial sleep - as did Helen, and then we sorted tea out.  Soup and dumplings all round.  Then again we went and watched TV - Tiger King which I've seen before but thought they might like enough to get in to - so we are not flicking around channels not knowing what we want to watch. 

I expect tomorrow will be much the same. I am expecting a reply from my boss after I emailed him on saturday - I think he is back in work tomorrow?  We are also expecting to hear from the funeral home and get a date.  I don't have any appropriate funeral attire but I suppose it doesn't matter as there will only be 10 of us - and we can't hang around or anything.

I need to get to sleep - I keep staying up too late and still have to get up early.  Being so tired does not help the crappy situation we are all in at the moment. 

Feeling generally low....

Hi again,

The figures today:

Friday                                                             (figures since Tuesday)
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Nearly 8,000 deaths around the world and 888 in the UK.  Its so sad and depressing - still feels unreal - hard to believe it is happening.  I say this everyday...or similar, but still....its so hard to accept this is happening.

Today has not been a good day again....in addition to just randomly getting reminded of the loss of dad and bursting into tears, I have felt like a numbness and depressed.  No motivation, just feeling crap to be honest.

We are all up at 7.30am everyday - once one person is up and the dogs are active it is impossible to sleep - the house is small with thin walls.  I am not used to that in our mansion!  I'm not used to going to bed as early as them - tonight Andy texted me - about 10.20pm asking how I was - I said we are all tired and I looked over to Mum and Helen and they were both fast asleep!

So once we are up - we all have a cup of tea (I miss my expensive coffee maker!) then we potter...maybe have some things to chase up regarding funeral or paperwork.  Then I go out with my mum with the dogs....then we'll get lunch - and today Mum and Helen suggested I crochet something for my kids babies - but I'm not experienced at that and wasn't exactly in the mood - its something that they have more in common.  I ended up fretting about work and checking my emails and replying to things I should have replied to...emailed my boss about self isolating etc.

Eventually we went and sat down - nothing to watch on TV - I'm in an uncomfortable chair - I miss my computer cos this laptop is not very good.  I tried to crochet because I was trying to join in - but I messed it up and couldn't be bothered.  Then me and mum have a massive dilemma about food because we dislike most things the other one likes.  We eventually agreed and I cooked tea - then we sat in front of the TV struggling to find something to watch - and avoiding anything to do with the coronavirus.

I miss home, Andy, my bed (I'm sleeping in a bunk bed), the cats, space, my own routine - I am not used living communally - its all just very different to what I am used to.  Its not that it is awful or anything - and I am sounding like I am saying everything is just crap here - its not that - its just that on top of everything else I am out of my usual environment and that is stressful in itself.  Apart from a walk around a park with the dogs - we can't go anywhere or do anything.

Helen is struggling a bit too - today her daughter Eloise and her husband Paul - had a bit of a fallout and Eloise was in a right state.  Her son Zack was trying to mediate and she knows Eloise is struggling without her and she feels bad for not being there.  So it is definitely not easy for her either.  I don't think my mum realises that these things are not easy for us - she knows we are struggling with the loss of Dad, but the other things.......  I don't want her to know we have these other concerns because we are here to help her, and I feel guilty for complaining about it because its not about me at the moment it is about supporting my mum, but still... 

Me and Helen are supporting each other as well as mum, so that's good.  Anyway - I might try and suggest we have a game of cards or something different and distracting tomorrow - I might even try and go for a run or something...

Just a few other things to mention.  I was so touched today - I had bought a mug for my dad a few years back with a picture of the two of us on it and he had told me a while back that he was gutted because he had broken it.  I saw it today on a shelf - with a big piece missing including the handle - the picture was intact - he'd kept it and I found it on a shelf!  I was so touched that he'd kept it even though it was broken!

Also - we were going through some paperwork and I found something else that I was surprised and really touched that he'd kept.  It was a sign I had made when me and Andy picked him up from the airport when he came to see us in Sunbury on his own.  He'd come to help us convert our garage into a room and put a window in.  Me and Andy made a sign like the taxi drivers hold up with their customers names on.  I had written Sir Royston of Mad-chester! He had found it quite funny but I had no idea that he'd kept it!!

Emotional

Last figures that I recorded were:

Tuesday
Total world cases: 1975,005------------------- 60,634 increase
Total fatalities:  124,792-------------------------5,689 increase
UK total: 93,873-------------------------------5,252 increase
UK Fatalities: 12,107--------------------------- 778  increase

Friday
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

I HATE the thought that my amazing dad is one of the fatalities included in the above figures, and it makes me so angry.  I really thought that he was going to get better, and it must have been so awful for him when he realised he was losing the battle.  I can't bear the thought of the terror that he must have felt - and his fear for the welfare of my Mum.  I am so glad I called him everyday - I just wish it had been easier to talk.  Seeing him (via video message) near the end was like having your heart ripped out and stamped on.  Thousands - actual thousands - of people have gone through the same thing and its simply cruel beyond belief - surreal, unbelievable.  Seeing everything on the news now - feels so different - its personal now.  So many families suffering loss.  There is also the fear - for your own life and the ones you love.  It feels never ending at the moment - although some countries I believe are seeing the numbers starting to slow.

When the government said we'd be lucky to lose less than 20,000 people in the UK - I couldn't comprehend that....its obvious that they were right because all these figures I keep sharing only include people that died in hospitals and so so many people are dying at home and in care homes.
I keep asking myself - is this real? Am I really in a really long nightmare and I'll wake up soon.  I wish that was the case.

The last couple of days have been strange.  Me and Helen have been trying to do everything we can for Mum.  She is coping okay mostly, there are a lot of distractions at the moment.  She wants nothing to do with the funeral arrangements.  We have been sorting that out - new to both of us having never had to do it before.  Its obviously upsetting having to think about and discuss some of the things west hits you at different times.  My mum was emptying the dishwasher today and suddenly burst into tears, sometimes its the smallest thing that you wouldn't think would set you off - that just causes you to get so upset all over again.

We have been changing over names on bills etc.  Helen has been sorting most of the admin - I've been helping my mum changing beds, cutting grass, changing light bulbs...walking the dogs, getting mum added to Tesco's priority delivery service, so she can get shopping delivered and not have to rely on Joanne - who has been brilliant in bringing shopping to her every week.  We have been trying to make sure Mum has nothing to worry about.  I know my Mum appreciates it, and I know my Dad would be relieved.  I'm glad he knew that me and Helen had come to stay with Mum, and that she wouldn't be alone like she had been for the previous 3 weeks.

Last night we all got together on a big group chat - Mum, my sisters Joanne, Beverley and Helen, my brothers Andrew and Anthony - and all of our partners as well as my three kids, George, Rebecca.  All of us on one video call.  It was a bit chaotic at times people starting to say things at the same time...but we got used to it.  We all raised a glass to my Dad and got a bit teary - and then we started sharing stories about Dad - always funny, always happy - a real character.  We ended up on this chat until about 1am by which time many of us - me definitely included were quite drunk!!  We were coming together and celebrating his life and what a truly wonderful man he was.   I don't say this just because he was my Dad - so so many people knew and loved my Dad - from school, rugby, art group, dancing and various other places!  Apparently somebody is trying to arrange a memorial rugby match The Roy Carter Memorial Cup or something similar, the Art group are displaying some of his paintings - some of these groups posting things on facebook.  With so many messages of heart felt condolences.  I'm so proud of him and the exceptional person he was.  I'd like to think he'd be very touched by it all.

My Hero Dad. Beaten by Coronavirus

I'm heartbroken.

After hearing last night that treatment is now futile...and going to pieces.  We all (my siblings and I) got to speak to Dad via video messenger.  It was truly awful  He couldn't breathe - and had a huge mask on and we struggled to hear each other.  Helen then said she was going to drive to Manchester to be with mum - so I said I'd go too.  It was nearly 1am when Helen picked me up and 4.30am when we got to my mums.  It was a long drive but we were surprisingly awake - probably because of the adrenaline going around our system.  My mum has been alone without my dad for 3 weeks now - so it was really the first proper human contact she has has and we hugged for quite a while which felt really good.  Me and Helen had discussed in the car on the way, if we should have any contact with mum as she had the virus and so had dad - but decided that enough time had passed, and if we were going to get it - not hugging wouldn't make a difference because the house would be contaminated anyway.

We got to bed and were up again at 7.30am, so about 3 hours sleep.  We were hopeful when we got up because we had not heard anything from the hospital through the night.  We took the dogs for a walk on the park, and got a call from the hospital whilst we were there - it was no good, there had been no improvement, only decline and he wasn't going to survive.  They said one person could visit him for an hour.  They were going to sedate him and the take the mask off - withdrawing all treatment.  We were all a state really - trying to keep it together, but I was shaking, and trying to comfort mum.  We came home (to my mums house) - and shaking and nervous and upset we threw some things together and headed to the hospital.  We were telling mum that she could do this, and she was saying she couldn't do it!, it was awful beyond belief  Me and Helen were not allowed in to see Dad because of all the rules surrounding the virus, so my mum had to do it on her own.  So we got to the hospital, found where we needed to go and we were met my a couple of nurses who explained that mum would have to get all the protective equipment on (despite the fact that she had already had the virus) then Mum went in to see dad and me and Helen sat in a family room - in disbelief that it had come to this.  Mum video called us from the room and we surprised to see dad awake and alert - struggling with a huge mask on - it was difficult to talk but we told him we loved him - and he said he had to get better to fix my window - which was planned to be done soon.  How we had that conversation and kept it together I don't know - but we had to for Dad's sake.  We were trying to act like he was going to be okay as we didn't want to scare him anymore than he already was.

Me and Helen then sat in that family room - worrying - about dad struggling, mum coping - our own imminent loss....

Mum came back upset - saying she managed to have a 'love and a cuddle' Dad had said that he feared the worse and told her to keep going to the dancing, and swimming - seeing their friends, they had held hands, and had blown each other a kiss as they parted.  A Dr then spoke to mum and Helen - only two of us could go.  He said that they would increase his medication to make him comfortable and remove his mask.  We asked that they don't remove the mask until he was sleeping - for fear of him panicking.  Helen, questioned whether there was ANYTHING they could do or try - maybe the ventilator, even if his chances were low - but no....

We came home - obviously all of us very upset.  We had some food and sat in the living room and just chatted - or were quiet - each of us getting upset at various times.  Then we called the hospital again around 8pm and the nurse said that two of us could go and sit with him - the total opposite to what we had been told earlier - as they'd be a high chance of us catching he virus.  We then entered into a big debate - we were told that he was now comfortable, unaware, sleeping peacefully and he would not be aware that we were there.  BUT the thought of him being alone - Mum didn't want to go because she'd already been with him earlier and I think it was too hard for her.  Me and Helen really wanted to go - but the concern over the virus was the issue - especially if Dad wouldn't be aware of our presence.  Andy was messaging me - he didn't want me to risk my life - didn't want to lose me in this awful way.  Helen was looking up the death rates for people our age - she was pushing to go - I was being more cautious - and then - the hospital called to say he had passed away.

It was awful and a slight relief that he didn't have to suffer all night.  It had been inevitable by this point - so better for him that it was quicker - but oh my god.  My Dad.  I WANT HIM BACK,  This is not fair - it wasn't his time - he has been stolen from us!  I sit here now in bed writing this with tears that just keep coming.  "Come ere our Sami" (for a hug) I can hear it.  I want to hear it again.  My mum - oh god....hearing her sob, saying she can't live without him will stay with me....  How will she manage without him??  Losing my Dad is bad enough - but your partner in life - 50 years together...

We had to tell the family group on messenger - knowing that each and every family member would be devastated - each of us mourning such a massive loss.  

My kids were all upset and messaging me - worried about me - sending their love and suffering their own loss too.  

Me, Mum and Helen spent the next hour and a half - crying, then in silence, then in discussion - and crying again - until we all went to bed exhausted - probably needing our own alone time.  

I'm having a quick chat with my sister Bev - struggling like us all.  Discussing how my Dad was (and I am HATING using past tense) loved by everybody - everyone loved my dad - never a bad word was said about him.  Talking about the unfairness, the cruelty - the anger.  

I need to sleep.  Goodnight Dad - I love you so much.