Mouse trap

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Well, yesterday I spoke about how the UK deaths had reduced - and the day before - but today they are back up again.  828 people had to go through something awful - and all their families are now grieving - and that's just in the UK.   The news today states that we may have got over the peak and that the increase in deaths today may have been a delay in reporting.  However, deaths from other causes have increased - because of the knock-on effect.  So many people dying, and so many people going insane because of the lock down.  Almost everybody must be suffering some kind of negative effect but I bet quite a lot of people are enjoying being at home unaffected by it all - wish I was one of those people!

Today - we all got up - stupidly early again. Chatted and did some admin and then Helen went out with mum today with the dogs.  We think we may have got through the scary time span where we would have shown symptoms if we had contracted the virus at the hospital - but that's not 100% certain....whilst they were out I called to arrange the flowers for the casket - and near the end of the conversation she asked for my dads name - and when I told her - she sort of gasped, because she knew my dad - unsurprising, as so many people knew him! She seemed really thrown by this and I went to pieces again as soon as I got off the phone.  I just kept thinking - or actually saying - I'm so sorry dad!! I was thinking - I'm so sorry this happened to you!!

It was at this point that I decided to write the letter to my dad that is on this blog.  I just felt that I needed to say a few things to him.  I think it did me a lot of good writing it.  I had a massive dilemma about posting that here on the blog - I put it up and took it down again a few times - but in the end decided to leave it up.  Might never be able to read it back without getting upset.  But the whole point of this blog is to be able to look back at everything and see and feel how I was feeling at any point in time.

I tried to straighten myself out before mum and Helen came back - but I failed really.  Its okay though - we have all got used to each other randomly getting upset.

A few days ago my mum told me that, Hilda, the woman that runs the dancing club they go to was not going to go - or cancel the dancing session and my mum said - we'll be okay, people are overreacting - so they all went dancing and the next day Hilda told my mum she wasn't well and thought she had the virus - then my Mum came down with it - and then my dad caught it.  She feels responsible now that if she hadn't said that to Hilda my Dad would still be alive.  I tried to reassure her - she shouldn't have to live with that guilt, and she was self isolating by 20th March and the lock down came on 23rd.  Horrible thought though that it could possibly have been avoided.

After lunch me and Helen went into the attic - Mum and Dad had wanted us to go up there and take anything that might be ours as they have a lot of stuff up there.  I hadn't expected to find anything of mine because I think they gave me my stuff years ago.  We joked about it being like friends when Ross found loads of memorabilia from his childhood in his parents garage but all Monica's boxes had been used to protect her dads car during a flood.  Helen found loads of her stuff and there was hardly anything of mine - just 3 old games.  Mouse trap and...cant remember the name of it now - but a game I never would have remembered about!  There was also spirograph - and I was so chuffed because underneath the pieces in the box was lots of drawings and I thought awww look at these I did - only to find Helens name on it all as well as our Bevs!

We didn't really do much for the rest of the day.  I had made campfire stew which is made with a big gammon joint and goes in the slow cooker.  At some point during the day I thought that it wasn't cooking well/quick enough so I turned it to high.  I really wanted to make something nice for me and mum and really wanted it to turn out well.  When I came back to it at 5pm I discovered that I had set it to 'keep warm' rather than high - so it wasn't as tender as it should be.  I didn't really enjoy it - but my mum seemed to which was a relief!

Our evening was the same as usual - watched the end of Tiger King - and I came to bed early as usual.

The battery is about to go on my laptop - so I'm going to leave it there.

Letter to my Dad

This is quite personal, but is is something I have decided to do - because I think I need to.  I debated keeping this private - but it is my blog, my diary and I'm just laying it all out there....

Dad,

I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you!  I know you'd be pissed off knowing that this damn virus got to you - and you couldn't beat it.  We were so hopeful weren't we? We thought that you'd be back home! We discussed when that might be and I really believed it - I really believed you would win the fight!  I know you tried as hard as you could and there was nothing more you could do.  I'm so angry dad, you didn't deserve this - you didn't deserve to suffer like that.  It must have been so terrible - and so scary.  You told me if you got pneumonia you'd be a gonner - and you were right.  Seeing you near the end with that huge mask on was awful, and it was really awful not being able to understand what you were saying a lot of the time.  I'm sorry if you said things to me that I just nodded to - but there is only so many times I could ask you to repeat it - without feeling terrible and I could see it was difficult for you.  I'm also so sorry that we couldn't be there with you.  I know you were so upset when your Dad died alone, and I always thought that no matter what - I'd be there for you and I couldn't be.

I know that your biggest worry would have been Mum.  Well me and helen have been here for her the whole time, and you'd be proud of her - she is doing well and I think she will get through it so don't worry!!

Dad - the amount of people sending their wishes and condolences is huge - so many people thought so much of you - you've made us all so proud, so proud that you were our dad!  I think it has helped mum so much - having so many people sending their best wishes etc. 

You did such a great job and were so organised with all your paperwork - so we (mainly Helen) have been sorting out everything we possibly can for Mum so she doesn't have to do it and made this so much easier for us! We had no idea at all that you were so well organised!

Apparently you said to a few people that you wanted the song Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - at your funeral!  Mum wasn't keen to be honest, but she understands - and it is so typical of you to want something that would make people smile through the tears. 

I am going to miss you so much - I know that you knew how much I loved you  how much all of us loved you.  We can't come together at this awful time, but we all got together online - you would have been proud - we all got quite drunk and had many laughs - talking about you and your stories!  You have instilled in us all - a sense of family and a good sense of humour! 

Dad, thank you so much for all the help you gave us with the house!  I plan on sanding and repainting the door you fixed for us when I get back home again!  I found the sash window you made for me in the garage - it made me cry to think of the effort you had put in to make it - and it was one of the last things you said to me - I need to do your sash window!  Well don't worry - the window you made will be fitted - I'll arrange it, your effort will not be wasted!!

I'll never get over losing you dad.  You meant the world to me.  I know I was your favourite ;-) You just didn't admit it because you didn't want to upset the others!! 

Who I am going to turn to when I need advice on DIY? I have thought to myself a few times already - I'll ask my dad...(like trying to work your lawn mower!) and then remembered I can't anymore, and it hurts.  I know you wouldn't want us to be sad and upset but that is too difficult right now, we are all heart broken. 

You would be touched by the tributes - there might even be a Roy Carter Challenge Cup rugby match later in the year.  Different organisation like Langworthy and the Art Club have all done their own tributes - with so many comments - and even shared stories that have made us all laugh.

Rest easy dad - with no worries.  Mum will be okay - we will make sure of it.  She is stronger than you think - or maybe you knew?

Love you forever. xxx