Emotional

Last figures that I recorded were:

Tuesday
Total world cases: 1975,005------------------- 60,634 increase
Total fatalities:  124,792-------------------------5,689 increase
UK total: 93,873-------------------------------5,252 increase
UK Fatalities: 12,107--------------------------- 778  increase

Friday
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

I HATE the thought that my amazing dad is one of the fatalities included in the above figures, and it makes me so angry.  I really thought that he was going to get better, and it must have been so awful for him when he realised he was losing the battle.  I can't bear the thought of the terror that he must have felt - and his fear for the welfare of my Mum.  I am so glad I called him everyday - I just wish it had been easier to talk.  Seeing him (via video message) near the end was like having your heart ripped out and stamped on.  Thousands - actual thousands - of people have gone through the same thing and its simply cruel beyond belief - surreal, unbelievable.  Seeing everything on the news now - feels so different - its personal now.  So many families suffering loss.  There is also the fear - for your own life and the ones you love.  It feels never ending at the moment - although some countries I believe are seeing the numbers starting to slow.

When the government said we'd be lucky to lose less than 20,000 people in the UK - I couldn't comprehend that....its obvious that they were right because all these figures I keep sharing only include people that died in hospitals and so so many people are dying at home and in care homes.
I keep asking myself - is this real? Am I really in a really long nightmare and I'll wake up soon.  I wish that was the case.

The last couple of days have been strange.  Me and Helen have been trying to do everything we can for Mum.  She is coping okay mostly, there are a lot of distractions at the moment.  She wants nothing to do with the funeral arrangements.  We have been sorting that out - new to both of us having never had to do it before.  Its obviously upsetting having to think about and discuss some of the things west hits you at different times.  My mum was emptying the dishwasher today and suddenly burst into tears, sometimes its the smallest thing that you wouldn't think would set you off - that just causes you to get so upset all over again.

We have been changing over names on bills etc.  Helen has been sorting most of the admin - I've been helping my mum changing beds, cutting grass, changing light bulbs...walking the dogs, getting mum added to Tesco's priority delivery service, so she can get shopping delivered and not have to rely on Joanne - who has been brilliant in bringing shopping to her every week.  We have been trying to make sure Mum has nothing to worry about.  I know my Mum appreciates it, and I know my Dad would be relieved.  I'm glad he knew that me and Helen had come to stay with Mum, and that she wouldn't be alone like she had been for the previous 3 weeks.

Last night we all got together on a big group chat - Mum, my sisters Joanne, Beverley and Helen, my brothers Andrew and Anthony - and all of our partners as well as my three kids, George, Rebecca.  All of us on one video call.  It was a bit chaotic at times people starting to say things at the same time...but we got used to it.  We all raised a glass to my Dad and got a bit teary - and then we started sharing stories about Dad - always funny, always happy - a real character.  We ended up on this chat until about 1am by which time many of us - me definitely included were quite drunk!!  We were coming together and celebrating his life and what a truly wonderful man he was.   I don't say this just because he was my Dad - so so many people knew and loved my Dad - from school, rugby, art group, dancing and various other places!  Apparently somebody is trying to arrange a memorial rugby match The Roy Carter Memorial Cup or something similar, the Art group are displaying some of his paintings - some of these groups posting things on facebook.  With so many messages of heart felt condolences.  I'm so proud of him and the exceptional person he was.  I'd like to think he'd be very touched by it all.

My Hero Dad. Beaten by Coronavirus

I'm heartbroken.

After hearing last night that treatment is now futile...and going to pieces.  We all (my siblings and I) got to speak to Dad via video messenger.  It was truly awful  He couldn't breathe - and had a huge mask on and we struggled to hear each other.  Helen then said she was going to drive to Manchester to be with mum - so I said I'd go too.  It was nearly 1am when Helen picked me up and 4.30am when we got to my mums.  It was a long drive but we were surprisingly awake - probably because of the adrenaline going around our system.  My mum has been alone without my dad for 3 weeks now - so it was really the first proper human contact she has has and we hugged for quite a while which felt really good.  Me and Helen had discussed in the car on the way, if we should have any contact with mum as she had the virus and so had dad - but decided that enough time had passed, and if we were going to get it - not hugging wouldn't make a difference because the house would be contaminated anyway.

We got to bed and were up again at 7.30am, so about 3 hours sleep.  We were hopeful when we got up because we had not heard anything from the hospital through the night.  We took the dogs for a walk on the park, and got a call from the hospital whilst we were there - it was no good, there had been no improvement, only decline and he wasn't going to survive.  They said one person could visit him for an hour.  They were going to sedate him and the take the mask off - withdrawing all treatment.  We were all a state really - trying to keep it together, but I was shaking, and trying to comfort mum.  We came home (to my mums house) - and shaking and nervous and upset we threw some things together and headed to the hospital.  We were telling mum that she could do this, and she was saying she couldn't do it!, it was awful beyond belief  Me and Helen were not allowed in to see Dad because of all the rules surrounding the virus, so my mum had to do it on her own.  So we got to the hospital, found where we needed to go and we were met my a couple of nurses who explained that mum would have to get all the protective equipment on (despite the fact that she had already had the virus) then Mum went in to see dad and me and Helen sat in a family room - in disbelief that it had come to this.  Mum video called us from the room and we surprised to see dad awake and alert - struggling with a huge mask on - it was difficult to talk but we told him we loved him - and he said he had to get better to fix my window - which was planned to be done soon.  How we had that conversation and kept it together I don't know - but we had to for Dad's sake.  We were trying to act like he was going to be okay as we didn't want to scare him anymore than he already was.

Me and Helen then sat in that family room - worrying - about dad struggling, mum coping - our own imminent loss....

Mum came back upset - saying she managed to have a 'love and a cuddle' Dad had said that he feared the worse and told her to keep going to the dancing, and swimming - seeing their friends, they had held hands, and had blown each other a kiss as they parted.  A Dr then spoke to mum and Helen - only two of us could go.  He said that they would increase his medication to make him comfortable and remove his mask.  We asked that they don't remove the mask until he was sleeping - for fear of him panicking.  Helen, questioned whether there was ANYTHING they could do or try - maybe the ventilator, even if his chances were low - but no....

We came home - obviously all of us very upset.  We had some food and sat in the living room and just chatted - or were quiet - each of us getting upset at various times.  Then we called the hospital again around 8pm and the nurse said that two of us could go and sit with him - the total opposite to what we had been told earlier - as they'd be a high chance of us catching he virus.  We then entered into a big debate - we were told that he was now comfortable, unaware, sleeping peacefully and he would not be aware that we were there.  BUT the thought of him being alone - Mum didn't want to go because she'd already been with him earlier and I think it was too hard for her.  Me and Helen really wanted to go - but the concern over the virus was the issue - especially if Dad wouldn't be aware of our presence.  Andy was messaging me - he didn't want me to risk my life - didn't want to lose me in this awful way.  Helen was looking up the death rates for people our age - she was pushing to go - I was being more cautious - and then - the hospital called to say he had passed away.

It was awful and a slight relief that he didn't have to suffer all night.  It had been inevitable by this point - so better for him that it was quicker - but oh my god.  My Dad.  I WANT HIM BACK,  This is not fair - it wasn't his time - he has been stolen from us!  I sit here now in bed writing this with tears that just keep coming.  "Come ere our Sami" (for a hug) I can hear it.  I want to hear it again.  My mum - oh god....hearing her sob, saying she can't live without him will stay with me....  How will she manage without him??  Losing my Dad is bad enough - but your partner in life - 50 years together...

We had to tell the family group on messenger - knowing that each and every family member would be devastated - each of us mourning such a massive loss.  

My kids were all upset and messaging me - worried about me - sending their love and suffering their own loss too.  

Me, Mum and Helen spent the next hour and a half - crying, then in silence, then in discussion - and crying again - until we all went to bed exhausted - probably needing our own alone time.  

I'm having a quick chat with my sister Bev - struggling like us all.  Discussing how my Dad was (and I am HATING using past tense) loved by everybody - everyone loved my dad - never a bad word was said about him.  Talking about the unfairness, the cruelty - the anger.  

I need to sleep.  Goodnight Dad - I love you so much. 

Dad - coronavirus critical care and emotional torture.

Monday
Total world cases: 1914,371------------------- 96,394 increase
Total fatalities:  119,103-------------------------6,499 increase
UK total: 88,621-------------------------------4,342 increase
UK Fatalities: 11,329--------------------------- 717  increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 1975,005------------------- 60,634 increase
Total fatalities:  124,792-------------------------5,689 increase
UK total: 93,873-------------------------------5,252 increase
UK Fatalities: 12,107--------------------------- 778  increase

So the figures are similar to every other day. The news was quite bizarre as far as the US is concerned- Sky News headline was - Coronavirus: 'The biggest meltdown ever' from a US president as Trump accused of trying to 'rewrite history'.  There was outrage really because rather than concentrate on the the people that are dying - Trump wanted to talk about how well he had done - when really he had not.  News channels even stopped showing the press release and CNN broadcast the news conference live but with accompanying graphics accusing the president of turning the briefing into "a propaganda session" and trying to "rewrite history".

I spent a lot of time this morning researching and writing my last post until our family group got a message off my sister Helen which said -
Hello everyone. I’ve just spoken to a Dr on the ward. Dad has worsened significantly today. Tests confirmed a severe COVID picture with pneumonia. This is despite antibiotics. 
They are moving him now to high dependency for c-pap for forced oxygen. 
He is currently stable. Sorry it’s not good news. 
Love to all xxx

I called Helen after seeing this and she said that the Dr had called her on my dads request (rather than call my mum) and he said that  now is the time to be cautious, that this morning there were problems with oxygen levels and signs of pneumonia.  He had worsened significantly, there was a  severe covid picture.  He had discussed his care with a critical care Dr and ventilation with incubation was not in his best interests and that CPAP is his best option but might not work.  Also - my Dad apparently agreed to a Do Not Resuscitate, if his heart stopped. 

Absolutely devastating news.   Helen then had to call my mum and tell her this news.  She said it was the most difficult conversation she had ever had.  My mum was understandably in pieces - saying she was never going to see him again and she was alone.  Both me and Helen were upset on the phone.  All I could think about was how my Dad would be scared, he would be so worried about my mum.  I got off the phone to Helen and tried calling my dad - hoping to catch him before he was transferred.  I got through and he sounded awful - not able to breath and I couldn't understand him. All I made out was him saying - I have to do this or I'll just fade away.  I then heard a nurse saying I need to put this on you - and the line went dead.  I hope to god (not that I believe in god) that, that was not the last I heard from my dad. 

This makes me so annoyed - that, although my dad is 79 - he had a lot of time left in him - possibly ten years - and this virus might take him away from us now.  It is not fair! I believe that my dad is strong and a fighter! I just have to hope that he can survive this!! I can't even contemplate the alternative. 

The rest of the day - Andy was just there for me - he fed me gin and tonics....we sat in the garden and discussed the injustice and how I believe that this virus was man made by the Chinese. 

Apparently the next 24-48 hours are crucial for my dad.  I am just hoping that later in the year, I'll share a bottle of red wine with my dad and reflect on his experience.  Please let me read back on this post with a smile because that is exactly what we do.

Coronavirus - man made?

Hi,

I've just watched a badly made documentary by The Epoch Times - maybe badly made because it was rushed.  If you can get past the ego of the reporter and all the egocentric shots of him - which I found really annoying - then what they are saying is scary.  In a nutshell a lab in Wuhan - where the outbreak started - were manipulating the coronavirus and made it so it would be much more infectious and much more deadly - in order to study it - and it looks like it got out, and then a massive cover up ensued.

I believe that this is true..  The Chinese Communist Party have a lot to answer for.  They have massive influence in the world and there are lots of evidence of them covering it up and having a lot of influence with the World Health Organisation.  The Chinese government didn't let the world know when this outbreak first happened - and did not close it's borders allowing it to spread across the world.  They want to be a world power and if I was cynical, I'd say it was intentional.  I am not cynical however, and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I do believe that the Chinese  created the virus in a lab and did not contain it. 

This is what I can take from what I have read/watched...

When looking at the origin of the virus - the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) said the virus started spontaneously in a seafood market in Wuham, China.  It includes pork and game.  It was December 31st 2019 - that it was stated that there were cases of unknown pneumonia and the seafood market.  They said that there was no obvious evidence of human to human transmission. 

In January - a paper was published questioning if the virus really did start at this market - 14 of 41 patients had no connection at all to the market.  No bats were found at this market either - and it was thought that the virus originates from bats.  Judy Mikovits, a molecular biologist and former director of the Lab of antiviral mechanisms in New York - said the idea of the spread so fast through the seafood market is highly unlikely and un-probable.  She claimed that this was a cover-up - that saying that the source was this market was simply to hide where it actually came from. 

The CCP tried to cover up the existence of the virus until it was impossible to cover it up.

On January 10th 2020 China released the full genome sequence of the corona-virus and the worlds top virologists began to analyse it.  It was stated that the virus closely resembled two viruses sampled from bats.  This bat virus has been discovered in 2018 - its was a Sars like coronavirus (please remember - this is just me trying to understand and simplify what I am reading - and I don't have a clue about these things!)  The current virus had a high similarity (87%) to this sars-like virus found in bats.  There was a 100% amino acid similarity - which would suggest that it had been reverse engineered.  Obviously - here I don't have a clue - I should just say that scientist found something in the virus that could not have happened naturally.   Judy Mikovits said this almost certainly had to be laboratory driven.  The parts of the virus (under microscope) called the spike proteins (or S proteins) is what enables the virus to invade human cells - this was found on the Sars virus.  It is what allows it to enter the human body - it wasn't found on coronavirus originally so it must have been manipulated in a lab - giving the coronavirus this S protein from the sar virus so that it could now enter the human body.  So it could not have come from the sea food market. 

Labs in China which were studying and releasing info about the coronavirus were ordered to close, including the one that released the genome sequence - they had released this information because they were ignored when they suggested prevention measures.  The Chinese government ordered that all samples were destroyed and all related papers and data were prohibited from release.  So the CCP were censoring information about the coronavirus.  They were responsible for the continuation of the virus by not doing anything at first and stopping the release of information about it.

A Chinese virologist Shi Zhengli, was key in the study of the coronavirus, she spent many years studying bats and coronavirus', she was based in Wuhan where the virus was first detected.  Coincidence?  She published a paper in 2015 concerning her own research into synthetic viruses.  She had been studying the sars virus and coronavirus in a very sophisticated lab.  From 2010 she has been studying the capacity of the coronavirus to cross from bats to humans, specifically looking at the S protein.  She "unearthed the passageway from coronavirus to the human body".  In 2013 she claimed a breakthrough - she successfully isolated three coronaviruses from bats, one of which has S proteins that integrated with human receptors. In 2015 she released another paper in which she discussed a synthetic sars virus with the s protein replaced by the one she had identified that could integrate with the human receptors.  This new virus which she had made could cross from one species to another. Mice developed severe lung damage with no cure.  She had successfully spliced the SARS virus and opened the door to cross-species transmission. 

In my language - she took a SARS virus and added something very dangerous to it - making it able to transmit to humans - whereas it couldn't do that before. 

She planned to infect primates to see what effect it would have on humans.  Other scientists expressed deep concerns about this - saying if this new virus escaped - nobody knew what might happen.  Apparently research suggests that what we now have, is the result of cutting and pasting the two viruses.  It is thought that it could not possibly have occurred naturally. 

Shi Zhengli's research continued - she published a paper on bat coronavirus and cross species infection - but this research has since been deleted (covered up?) In 2014 the US stopped funding into Shi Zhengli's (and similar) research concerning genetic engineering the coronavirus. 

Why would you want to create a coronavirus that could infect humans? It could be for a weapon? It could be so you can create a vaccine - that only you could create in order to make a lot of money?

China tried to state that the US sent the virus to China! This was when president Trump started to call it the Chinese virus. 

China have said that the virus must have come from bats.  The outbreak however started in Wuham where Shi Zhengli and her lab was based!  You would think that they would look to that lab for any potential breach - allowing the virus to escape - but what happened was that they shifted focus to the sea food market - that did not even have any bats.  If it did occur naturally why was there such a cover up? why was the scientist who brought it all to the attention of the world get arrested? others went missing....samples were destroyed etc.

Shi Zhengli's lab stayed very quiet at this time - and they were the experts!  All staff at the lab had been told in an email not to disclose anything concerning the coronavirus.  In February 2020 a whistle blower said that Shi Zhengli and her haphazard lab could have led to the outbreak.  Another whistle blower made similar claims - that the lab was suspected of manufacturing and leaking the virus.  Then, China's top biochemical weapons expert in china took over the lab.  Another whistle blower then said that director general of the institute (the lab) was suspected of releasing the virus. 

The french were apparently supposed to be working with china to open this lab but had concerns because China's military were suspected to be involved.  When the lab opened in 2017 the french said they had security concerns that they were working on biochemical weapon experiments. 

So - this is my understanding - and my belief - that this was all created in a lab.  I have just had bad news about my dad so I am going to stop here. 

Easter with no eggs....

Sunday
Total world cases: 1817,977-------------------65,547 increase
Total fatalities:  112,604-------------------------5,347 increase
UK total: 84,279-------------------------------5,288 increase
UK Fatalities: 10,612---------------------------  737 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 1914,371------------------- 96,394 increase
Total fatalities:  119,103-------------------------6,499 increase
UK total: 88,621-------------------------------4,342 increase
UK Fatalities: 11,329--------------------------- 717  increase

Today in the news - lock down is not going to end yet - initially the government said they would review it after three weeks - and today is 3 weeks.  I think they are avoiding saying exactly how much longer it will have to go on because some people might say - hell no! I can't continue like this that long!  But I think it is going to have to be another 3 weeks or so....we have yet to reach the peak apparently.

The government are being accused of not being transparent because they said Boris Johnson was being moved to intensive care as a precaution - but now, as Boris leaves hospital he says his life was in the balance.   I said on this blog - that my sister said it was outrageous that he'd take up an intensive care bed as a precaution - but that me and Paul - thought that they were playing it down.  I don't think we can really criticise the government.  They probably would have faced some other sort of criticism if they had said how bad he was....anyway....I'm glad he is okay!

In other news - the US has had massive amount of cases and deaths - and they're are still saying we might end up the hardest hit European Country.

Helen called me and we had a really long chat - or therapy session!  She had obviously called me with the intention of giving me some kind of therapy, which I very much appreciated.  Me and Andy started the day by talking about how messed up our lives are and how bad it could get - he has a very good chance of losing his job - so we were talking how we might cope.  Andy has been my rock so far but today things had got to him - unsurprisingly!!  We both ended up very much doom and gloom - so when Helen called - we went through different worries - and the ones we could or couldn't do anything about.  How it was not good to worry about things we have no control over - plan maybe... We also spoke about being compassionate towards yourself! She explained that we are harder on ourselves than we are towards other people.  We also spoke about self care - and setting small goals each day.  I found it very helpful. I really appreciated the fact that she took the time out to call me and try and help me cope - especially when she has all her own worries and stresses (as everybody in the world does right now!) 

I had a quick chat with Dad - who told me he was eating a yogurt but when I said I'd call back he said Paul was calling him back - we chatted for a few minutes - then he said - Paul is calling - and put the phone down on me! hahaha.  This might not have been intentional - but I didn't mind either way!!

Later in the family group messenger - Helen updated us as she had spoken to a Doctor at the hospital who said

Hi everybody, I’ve spoken to a Dr today who said that dad’s dependency on oxygen reduced slightly over the weekend but he appears to have a bacterial chest infection so they have just started him on some more IV antibiotics. 
Also, dad has some underlying airways disease which is why it has been taking him longer to recover. Probably due to smoking. 

So - slightly good news and some quite worrying information.

On Helen's advice I had a nice long bath - later I was really bad an suggested we get take-out again - it wasn't great and I ended up with heart burn! 

So tired....Sunday

Saturday
Total world cases: 1752,430-------------------105,950 increase
Total fatalities:  107,257-------------------------6,978 increase
UK total: 78,991-------------------------------8,719 increase
UK Fatalities: 9,875---------------------------  917 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 1817,977-------------------65,547 increase
Total fatalities:  112,604-------------------------5,347 increase
UK total: 84,279-------------------------------5,288 increase
UK Fatalities: 10,612---------------------------  737 increase

Not only have we hit 10,000 deaths, but it now looks like the UK will end up being the hardest hit country in the whole of Europe - that what they are saying on the news anyway - even though Italy have 20,000 I don't know why... Our Government always said if we have less than 20,000 deaths it would be a good outcome.  What is worrying is the figures only include deaths that happen in hospitals - not in care homes, or people at home - so it could be a lot more.  I still find it hard to believe.

Had a long chat with my dad this morning - he wasn't coughing like usual - so although he doesn't think he is getting any better - I am hoping he is.  He was telling me this morning about a guy in his small ward ( of 3 or 4 people) this guy was constantly shouting for the nurse - so they started to ignore him - so he shouted - fine then I'll F**king Sh** the bed!! and a nurse came running! lol.  Was good to hear him laughing.  While I was on the phone - I could just hear somebody shouting for the nurse over and over again - I don't know whether the guy is just annoying - or if he really needs something and they are just really busy.  My dad says he will ask for something and they say - I'll be 5 minutes and they don't come back for an hour or more.  I have no idea if they are inundated with coronavirus virus patients - guess they must be.  When I called the other day the nurse was so nice - at the end of our conversation I thanked her for looking after my dad and got all emotional - I wanted to hug her!!

So - today my boss messaged again.  I assumed I was back in work on Wednesday but he said that he'd message me Wednesday morning....but if everything is okay and my dad is improving I will offer to go in after speaking to him.  I don't want him to think that I am taking advantage of the situation.  I just hope as Wednesday draws nearer I don't start getting mega anxious again.

So....today I have pretty much done - errr nothing.  I've been tired again all day after not sleeping properly still and waking up early.  I did make a breakfast casserole this morning before Andy got up - I had forgotten that he said he wanted a Bev's BLT.  I think he just went along with it as I had made it - but then it was awesome!! haha - even if I say so myself!

I've been sat at my computer whilst watching Modern Family all day.  It is no wonder I am so huge and unfit!  I have not had motivation to be healthy and do exercise for ages now.  I really need to turn things around.  Soon.......

In the meantime....

Expresso Martini!!  

Blinding Dumbasses