Mouse trap

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Well, yesterday I spoke about how the UK deaths had reduced - and the day before - but today they are back up again.  828 people had to go through something awful - and all their families are now grieving - and that's just in the UK.   The news today states that we may have got over the peak and that the increase in deaths today may have been a delay in reporting.  However, deaths from other causes have increased - because of the knock-on effect.  So many people dying, and so many people going insane because of the lock down.  Almost everybody must be suffering some kind of negative effect but I bet quite a lot of people are enjoying being at home unaffected by it all - wish I was one of those people!

Today - we all got up - stupidly early again. Chatted and did some admin and then Helen went out with mum today with the dogs.  We think we may have got through the scary time span where we would have shown symptoms if we had contracted the virus at the hospital - but that's not 100% certain....whilst they were out I called to arrange the flowers for the casket - and near the end of the conversation she asked for my dads name - and when I told her - she sort of gasped, because she knew my dad - unsurprising, as so many people knew him! She seemed really thrown by this and I went to pieces again as soon as I got off the phone.  I just kept thinking - or actually saying - I'm so sorry dad!! I was thinking - I'm so sorry this happened to you!!

It was at this point that I decided to write the letter to my dad that is on this blog.  I just felt that I needed to say a few things to him.  I think it did me a lot of good writing it.  I had a massive dilemma about posting that here on the blog - I put it up and took it down again a few times - but in the end decided to leave it up.  Might never be able to read it back without getting upset.  But the whole point of this blog is to be able to look back at everything and see and feel how I was feeling at any point in time.

I tried to straighten myself out before mum and Helen came back - but I failed really.  Its okay though - we have all got used to each other randomly getting upset.

A few days ago my mum told me that, Hilda, the woman that runs the dancing club they go to was not going to go - or cancel the dancing session and my mum said - we'll be okay, people are overreacting - so they all went dancing and the next day Hilda told my mum she wasn't well and thought she had the virus - then my Mum came down with it - and then my dad caught it.  She feels responsible now that if she hadn't said that to Hilda my Dad would still be alive.  I tried to reassure her - she shouldn't have to live with that guilt, and she was self isolating by 20th March and the lock down came on 23rd.  Horrible thought though that it could possibly have been avoided.

After lunch me and Helen went into the attic - Mum and Dad had wanted us to go up there and take anything that might be ours as they have a lot of stuff up there.  I hadn't expected to find anything of mine because I think they gave me my stuff years ago.  We joked about it being like friends when Ross found loads of memorabilia from his childhood in his parents garage but all Monica's boxes had been used to protect her dads car during a flood.  Helen found loads of her stuff and there was hardly anything of mine - just 3 old games.  Mouse trap and...cant remember the name of it now - but a game I never would have remembered about!  There was also spirograph - and I was so chuffed because underneath the pieces in the box was lots of drawings and I thought awww look at these I did - only to find Helens name on it all as well as our Bevs!

We didn't really do much for the rest of the day.  I had made campfire stew which is made with a big gammon joint and goes in the slow cooker.  At some point during the day I thought that it wasn't cooking well/quick enough so I turned it to high.  I really wanted to make something nice for me and mum and really wanted it to turn out well.  When I came back to it at 5pm I discovered that I had set it to 'keep warm' rather than high - so it wasn't as tender as it should be.  I didn't really enjoy it - but my mum seemed to which was a relief!

Our evening was the same as usual - watched the end of Tiger King - and I came to bed early as usual.

The battery is about to go on my laptop - so I'm going to leave it there.

Letter to my Dad

This is quite personal, but is is something I have decided to do - because I think I need to.  I debated keeping this private - but it is my blog, my diary and I'm just laying it all out there....

Dad,

I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you!  I know you'd be pissed off knowing that this damn virus got to you - and you couldn't beat it.  We were so hopeful weren't we? We thought that you'd be back home! We discussed when that might be and I really believed it - I really believed you would win the fight!  I know you tried as hard as you could and there was nothing more you could do.  I'm so angry dad, you didn't deserve this - you didn't deserve to suffer like that.  It must have been so terrible - and so scary.  You told me if you got pneumonia you'd be a gonner - and you were right.  Seeing you near the end with that huge mask on was awful, and it was really awful not being able to understand what you were saying a lot of the time.  I'm sorry if you said things to me that I just nodded to - but there is only so many times I could ask you to repeat it - without feeling terrible and I could see it was difficult for you.  I'm also so sorry that we couldn't be there with you.  I know you were so upset when your Dad died alone, and I always thought that no matter what - I'd be there for you and I couldn't be.

I know that your biggest worry would have been Mum.  Well me and helen have been here for her the whole time, and you'd be proud of her - she is doing well and I think she will get through it so don't worry!!

Dad - the amount of people sending their wishes and condolences is huge - so many people thought so much of you - you've made us all so proud, so proud that you were our dad!  I think it has helped mum so much - having so many people sending their best wishes etc. 

You did such a great job and were so organised with all your paperwork - so we (mainly Helen) have been sorting out everything we possibly can for Mum so she doesn't have to do it and made this so much easier for us! We had no idea at all that you were so well organised!

Apparently you said to a few people that you wanted the song Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - at your funeral!  Mum wasn't keen to be honest, but she understands - and it is so typical of you to want something that would make people smile through the tears. 

I am going to miss you so much - I know that you knew how much I loved you  how much all of us loved you.  We can't come together at this awful time, but we all got together online - you would have been proud - we all got quite drunk and had many laughs - talking about you and your stories!  You have instilled in us all - a sense of family and a good sense of humour! 

Dad, thank you so much for all the help you gave us with the house!  I plan on sanding and repainting the door you fixed for us when I get back home again!  I found the sash window you made for me in the garage - it made me cry to think of the effort you had put in to make it - and it was one of the last things you said to me - I need to do your sash window!  Well don't worry - the window you made will be fitted - I'll arrange it, your effort will not be wasted!!

I'll never get over losing you dad.  You meant the world to me.  I know I was your favourite ;-) You just didn't admit it because you didn't want to upset the others!! 

Who I am going to turn to when I need advice on DIY? I have thought to myself a few times already - I'll ask my dad...(like trying to work your lawn mower!) and then remembered I can't anymore, and it hurts.  I know you wouldn't want us to be sad and upset but that is too difficult right now, we are all heart broken. 

You would be touched by the tributes - there might even be a Roy Carter Challenge Cup rugby match later in the year.  Different organisation like Langworthy and the Art Club have all done their own tributes - with so many comments - and even shared stories that have made us all laugh.

Rest easy dad - with no worries.  Mum will be okay - we will make sure of it.  She is stronger than you think - or maybe you knew?

Love you forever. xxx

Tired and weary

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Another significant decrease in UK deaths - which I hope IS actually significant and not just a temporary dip - still a lot of people dying too early, but it is promising.  Not too much made of it on the news however which surprises me. I just had a look on BBC news and Sky News and they simply reported the numbers without mentioning the fact that it has gone down again.  Maybe this is just indicative of reporters mainly focussing on negative things or maybe reporters know that this will be short lived?

Some people in America are protesting against the lock down because of the harm to businesses and livelihoods.  If they had a loved one go through what my dad did I swear they wouldn't even consider should a stupid protest.  I understand that people are struggling and are under threat of not being able to pay - or can't pay mortgages - but your life is more important than material things.  Maybe I'd feel the differently if I was going to lose my house and I had no personal experience with the virus so I won't judge too harshly.  I just think that the more people that socialise and ignore the advice or protest, the more people will die - including those very protesters.  Maybe they will regret it when they are in hospital on a ventilator contemplating their own mortality.

Anyway...after a bad nights sleep I was woken up at 7.15am by Mum and Helen getting up.  I got up - and joined them and Helen was getting a migraine - she suffers very badly with them and is on all sorts of medication so it was quite worrying.  She took pills in the hope that she could stop a full blown one....we were expecting to hear from the funeral home with a date, so she wanted to get that over with.  We both started to check what we had to follow up on today - and started doing that...I was chasing up about the Wills and Power of Attorney - not because we needed them but we wanted to locate them and make sure everything was in order.  I was following up on a debt my mum managed to get a County Court Judgement on - in a case where we have now been told the woman in question had died of cancer.  Its awful to question this - but she lied to my mum again and again...

I cut the grass again - a bit shorter and trimmed around edges with scissors! Looks much better.  Then we heard back from the funeral home - 30th April - 10 days from today.  Another 10 days away from home.  It seems like a long time.  I want to be here for my mum for as long as possible but its not easy really - for reasons I mentioned yesterday.  I still haven't heard back from my boss either - he is probably on rest days - but I need some reassurance really because I am a little worried about the time I have been off.  It is probably not too bad because this virus has turned everything on its head but still....

We had some lunch and then I went with my mum with the dogs to the park, and when we got back Helen was in bed.  I started to go through lots of photographs - sending some via messenger to my kids, of when they were all little.  My mum seems to have better ones of my lot when they were young than I do!  After this - we watched TV for a while - and then it was time to think about food - and Helen got up - after 5 hours in bed - feeling much better which was a relief.

The shopping we ordered wasn't arriving until late so we decided to order take-out.  It was very average - but solved the dilemma of what to have.  We then settled down again in front of the TV - and watched Tiger King again.  My mum and Helen are both into their crochet - my mum does all sorts - but they have this in common - I am getting a bit of pressure to join in!!

I have been so tired all day and headachy - to at about 9.40pm I left them to it - I came to bed and had a quick chat via messenger with Andy and wrote this blog.  I need to get to sleep asap - or my early night will be wasted - it is already 11pm!!  That went quickly!  Good night...

Another day in isolation....

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Hi,

So, today is the lowest daily increase in deaths in the UK in the last two weeks.  I have no idea if this means anything - I hope it means they are going to continue to decrease, that it means the lock down is having an effect and that we are starting to turn the tide - fingers crossed it is even lower tomorrow. 

The news is talking about how front line staff  such as doctors and nurses are running out of protective equipment, some was supposed to arrive today from Turkey but didn't for some reason.  Having seen the protective equipment needed on video chat with my dad - I can't imagine what will happen if they don't have it! They can't just go into rooms with people full of the virus unprotected - they'd have to refuse and then the poor people suffering will suffer even more - so I sincerely hope that this is rectified very soon!

When my dad was moved to the high dependency ward in the last 24-48hrs, and we video chatted - the nurse answered the video call we made - we saw the nurse in full protective gear and it was so sad knowing my dad had to see that.  It was something that we discussed today.  Helen said that some people assumed that we had got to see dad at the end - and said to her (and they have said it to me too) Its good that you got to see him at the end.  This is frustrating for two reasons - one - we didn't get to see him in the flesh, and two - when we saw him on video call it was heart wrenching, not good to see that at all!  We got quite upset thinking about this - it is one of the things I try not to let myself think about because it is just too hard...

Today was pretty bad again in many ways.  In general, we seem to be doing fine - get up have breakfast and a brew, think about things we have to do today...  Big boxes of photographs were dug out.  We started to go through them - laughing, and sawing awww look at dad here, or look at dad with my kids etc.  Other pictures were funny, or just reminded us of the things we had done, forgotten about etc.  I gave up after a while thinking i'd come back to them tomorrow.  We took pictures of some of them on our phones and took some of the actual photo's as my mum doesn't need/want them all.

After doing this for a while me and mum took the dogs out for a bit and had a walk around the park.  Its quite nice really because we got out of the house and can have some quality time together.

I spoke to Andy on the way back as we have a couple arriving today to stay in the annex for a couple of months.  It's a doctor and her partner who is a 4th year medical student.  Airbnb are being crap and they haven't even managed to actually book and pay for it - but we let them come along anyway knowing (hoping) we can sort it out eventually.  Andy had to sort the annex out by himself - change beds and clean etc.

We got home and had lunch and I decided to go and have a look at the sash window that Dad had made for us and was going to fit - probably around now, or soon.  When I saw it I went to pieces - how good was he to make that for us and fit it!!  The time and effort he had put in!  I really hope he knew how much I appreciated it.  Everyday I see evidence of how awesome he was and it makes me miss him more and more.  I get angry and think - I want him back!!!!

So...I got a shower and just sat at my laptop not really knowing what to do with myself while Helen and my mum chatted in the garden for a while.  I just felt completely fed up and depressed.  We ended up sat in the living room, and I slept for about ten minutes - knackered all the time at the moment.  My mum had a more substantial sleep - as did Helen, and then we sorted tea out.  Soup and dumplings all round.  Then again we went and watched TV - Tiger King which I've seen before but thought they might like enough to get in to - so we are not flicking around channels not knowing what we want to watch. 

I expect tomorrow will be much the same. I am expecting a reply from my boss after I emailed him on saturday - I think he is back in work tomorrow?  We are also expecting to hear from the funeral home and get a date.  I don't have any appropriate funeral attire but I suppose it doesn't matter as there will only be 10 of us - and we can't hang around or anything.

I need to get to sleep - I keep staying up too late and still have to get up early.  Being so tired does not help the crappy situation we are all in at the moment. 

Feeling generally low....

Hi again,

The figures today:

Friday                                                             (figures since Tuesday)
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Nearly 8,000 deaths around the world and 888 in the UK.  Its so sad and depressing - still feels unreal - hard to believe it is happening.  I say this everyday...or similar, but still....its so hard to accept this is happening.

Today has not been a good day again....in addition to just randomly getting reminded of the loss of dad and bursting into tears, I have felt like a numbness and depressed.  No motivation, just feeling crap to be honest.

We are all up at 7.30am everyday - once one person is up and the dogs are active it is impossible to sleep - the house is small with thin walls.  I am not used to that in our mansion!  I'm not used to going to bed as early as them - tonight Andy texted me - about 10.20pm asking how I was - I said we are all tired and I looked over to Mum and Helen and they were both fast asleep!

So once we are up - we all have a cup of tea (I miss my expensive coffee maker!) then we potter...maybe have some things to chase up regarding funeral or paperwork.  Then I go out with my mum with the dogs....then we'll get lunch - and today Mum and Helen suggested I crochet something for my kids babies - but I'm not experienced at that and wasn't exactly in the mood - its something that they have more in common.  I ended up fretting about work and checking my emails and replying to things I should have replied to...emailed my boss about self isolating etc.

Eventually we went and sat down - nothing to watch on TV - I'm in an uncomfortable chair - I miss my computer cos this laptop is not very good.  I tried to crochet because I was trying to join in - but I messed it up and couldn't be bothered.  Then me and mum have a massive dilemma about food because we dislike most things the other one likes.  We eventually agreed and I cooked tea - then we sat in front of the TV struggling to find something to watch - and avoiding anything to do with the coronavirus.

I miss home, Andy, my bed (I'm sleeping in a bunk bed), the cats, space, my own routine - I am not used living communally - its all just very different to what I am used to.  Its not that it is awful or anything - and I am sounding like I am saying everything is just crap here - its not that - its just that on top of everything else I am out of my usual environment and that is stressful in itself.  Apart from a walk around a park with the dogs - we can't go anywhere or do anything.

Helen is struggling a bit too - today her daughter Eloise and her husband Paul - had a bit of a fallout and Eloise was in a right state.  Her son Zack was trying to mediate and she knows Eloise is struggling without her and she feels bad for not being there.  So it is definitely not easy for her either.  I don't think my mum realises that these things are not easy for us - she knows we are struggling with the loss of Dad, but the other things.......  I don't want her to know we have these other concerns because we are here to help her, and I feel guilty for complaining about it because its not about me at the moment it is about supporting my mum, but still... 

Me and Helen are supporting each other as well as mum, so that's good.  Anyway - I might try and suggest we have a game of cards or something different and distracting tomorrow - I might even try and go for a run or something...

Just a few other things to mention.  I was so touched today - I had bought a mug for my dad a few years back with a picture of the two of us on it and he had told me a while back that he was gutted because he had broken it.  I saw it today on a shelf - with a big piece missing including the handle - the picture was intact - he'd kept it and I found it on a shelf!  I was so touched that he'd kept it even though it was broken!

Also - we were going through some paperwork and I found something else that I was surprised and really touched that he'd kept.  It was a sign I had made when me and Andy picked him up from the airport when he came to see us in Sunbury on his own.  He'd come to help us convert our garage into a room and put a window in.  Me and Andy made a sign like the taxi drivers hold up with their customers names on.  I had written Sir Royston of Mad-chester! He had found it quite funny but I had no idea that he'd kept it!!

Emotional

Last figures that I recorded were:

Tuesday
Total world cases: 1975,005------------------- 60,634 increase
Total fatalities:  124,792-------------------------5,689 increase
UK total: 93,873-------------------------------5,252 increase
UK Fatalities: 12,107--------------------------- 778  increase

Friday
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

I HATE the thought that my amazing dad is one of the fatalities included in the above figures, and it makes me so angry.  I really thought that he was going to get better, and it must have been so awful for him when he realised he was losing the battle.  I can't bear the thought of the terror that he must have felt - and his fear for the welfare of my Mum.  I am so glad I called him everyday - I just wish it had been easier to talk.  Seeing him (via video message) near the end was like having your heart ripped out and stamped on.  Thousands - actual thousands - of people have gone through the same thing and its simply cruel beyond belief - surreal, unbelievable.  Seeing everything on the news now - feels so different - its personal now.  So many families suffering loss.  There is also the fear - for your own life and the ones you love.  It feels never ending at the moment - although some countries I believe are seeing the numbers starting to slow.

When the government said we'd be lucky to lose less than 20,000 people in the UK - I couldn't comprehend that....its obvious that they were right because all these figures I keep sharing only include people that died in hospitals and so so many people are dying at home and in care homes.
I keep asking myself - is this real? Am I really in a really long nightmare and I'll wake up soon.  I wish that was the case.

The last couple of days have been strange.  Me and Helen have been trying to do everything we can for Mum.  She is coping okay mostly, there are a lot of distractions at the moment.  She wants nothing to do with the funeral arrangements.  We have been sorting that out - new to both of us having never had to do it before.  Its obviously upsetting having to think about and discuss some of the things west hits you at different times.  My mum was emptying the dishwasher today and suddenly burst into tears, sometimes its the smallest thing that you wouldn't think would set you off - that just causes you to get so upset all over again.

We have been changing over names on bills etc.  Helen has been sorting most of the admin - I've been helping my mum changing beds, cutting grass, changing light bulbs...walking the dogs, getting mum added to Tesco's priority delivery service, so she can get shopping delivered and not have to rely on Joanne - who has been brilliant in bringing shopping to her every week.  We have been trying to make sure Mum has nothing to worry about.  I know my Mum appreciates it, and I know my Dad would be relieved.  I'm glad he knew that me and Helen had come to stay with Mum, and that she wouldn't be alone like she had been for the previous 3 weeks.

Last night we all got together on a big group chat - Mum, my sisters Joanne, Beverley and Helen, my brothers Andrew and Anthony - and all of our partners as well as my three kids, George, Rebecca.  All of us on one video call.  It was a bit chaotic at times people starting to say things at the same time...but we got used to it.  We all raised a glass to my Dad and got a bit teary - and then we started sharing stories about Dad - always funny, always happy - a real character.  We ended up on this chat until about 1am by which time many of us - me definitely included were quite drunk!!  We were coming together and celebrating his life and what a truly wonderful man he was.   I don't say this just because he was my Dad - so so many people knew and loved my Dad - from school, rugby, art group, dancing and various other places!  Apparently somebody is trying to arrange a memorial rugby match The Roy Carter Memorial Cup or something similar, the Art group are displaying some of his paintings - some of these groups posting things on facebook.  With so many messages of heart felt condolences.  I'm so proud of him and the exceptional person he was.  I'd like to think he'd be very touched by it all.

My Hero Dad. Beaten by Coronavirus

I'm heartbroken.

After hearing last night that treatment is now futile...and going to pieces.  We all (my siblings and I) got to speak to Dad via video messenger.  It was truly awful  He couldn't breathe - and had a huge mask on and we struggled to hear each other.  Helen then said she was going to drive to Manchester to be with mum - so I said I'd go too.  It was nearly 1am when Helen picked me up and 4.30am when we got to my mums.  It was a long drive but we were surprisingly awake - probably because of the adrenaline going around our system.  My mum has been alone without my dad for 3 weeks now - so it was really the first proper human contact she has has and we hugged for quite a while which felt really good.  Me and Helen had discussed in the car on the way, if we should have any contact with mum as she had the virus and so had dad - but decided that enough time had passed, and if we were going to get it - not hugging wouldn't make a difference because the house would be contaminated anyway.

We got to bed and were up again at 7.30am, so about 3 hours sleep.  We were hopeful when we got up because we had not heard anything from the hospital through the night.  We took the dogs for a walk on the park, and got a call from the hospital whilst we were there - it was no good, there had been no improvement, only decline and he wasn't going to survive.  They said one person could visit him for an hour.  They were going to sedate him and the take the mask off - withdrawing all treatment.  We were all a state really - trying to keep it together, but I was shaking, and trying to comfort mum.  We came home (to my mums house) - and shaking and nervous and upset we threw some things together and headed to the hospital.  We were telling mum that she could do this, and she was saying she couldn't do it!, it was awful beyond belief  Me and Helen were not allowed in to see Dad because of all the rules surrounding the virus, so my mum had to do it on her own.  So we got to the hospital, found where we needed to go and we were met my a couple of nurses who explained that mum would have to get all the protective equipment on (despite the fact that she had already had the virus) then Mum went in to see dad and me and Helen sat in a family room - in disbelief that it had come to this.  Mum video called us from the room and we surprised to see dad awake and alert - struggling with a huge mask on - it was difficult to talk but we told him we loved him - and he said he had to get better to fix my window - which was planned to be done soon.  How we had that conversation and kept it together I don't know - but we had to for Dad's sake.  We were trying to act like he was going to be okay as we didn't want to scare him anymore than he already was.

Me and Helen then sat in that family room - worrying - about dad struggling, mum coping - our own imminent loss....

Mum came back upset - saying she managed to have a 'love and a cuddle' Dad had said that he feared the worse and told her to keep going to the dancing, and swimming - seeing their friends, they had held hands, and had blown each other a kiss as they parted.  A Dr then spoke to mum and Helen - only two of us could go.  He said that they would increase his medication to make him comfortable and remove his mask.  We asked that they don't remove the mask until he was sleeping - for fear of him panicking.  Helen, questioned whether there was ANYTHING they could do or try - maybe the ventilator, even if his chances were low - but no....

We came home - obviously all of us very upset.  We had some food and sat in the living room and just chatted - or were quiet - each of us getting upset at various times.  Then we called the hospital again around 8pm and the nurse said that two of us could go and sit with him - the total opposite to what we had been told earlier - as they'd be a high chance of us catching he virus.  We then entered into a big debate - we were told that he was now comfortable, unaware, sleeping peacefully and he would not be aware that we were there.  BUT the thought of him being alone - Mum didn't want to go because she'd already been with him earlier and I think it was too hard for her.  Me and Helen really wanted to go - but the concern over the virus was the issue - especially if Dad wouldn't be aware of our presence.  Andy was messaging me - he didn't want me to risk my life - didn't want to lose me in this awful way.  Helen was looking up the death rates for people our age - she was pushing to go - I was being more cautious - and then - the hospital called to say he had passed away.

It was awful and a slight relief that he didn't have to suffer all night.  It had been inevitable by this point - so better for him that it was quicker - but oh my god.  My Dad.  I WANT HIM BACK,  This is not fair - it wasn't his time - he has been stolen from us!  I sit here now in bed writing this with tears that just keep coming.  "Come ere our Sami" (for a hug) I can hear it.  I want to hear it again.  My mum - oh god....hearing her sob, saying she can't live without him will stay with me....  How will she manage without him??  Losing my Dad is bad enough - but your partner in life - 50 years together...

We had to tell the family group on messenger - knowing that each and every family member would be devastated - each of us mourning such a massive loss.  

My kids were all upset and messaging me - worried about me - sending their love and suffering their own loss too.  

Me, Mum and Helen spent the next hour and a half - crying, then in silence, then in discussion - and crying again - until we all went to bed exhausted - probably needing our own alone time.  

I'm having a quick chat with my sister Bev - struggling like us all.  Discussing how my Dad was (and I am HATING using past tense) loved by everybody - everyone loved my dad - never a bad word was said about him.  Talking about the unfairness, the cruelty - the anger.  

I need to sleep.  Goodnight Dad - I love you so much.