Apparently I'm 'spongy'

Hi

Wednesday
Total world cases: 2,633,232------------------- 76,745 increase
Total fatalities:  183,825-------------------------6,593 increase
UK total: 133,495-------------------------------4,451 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,100--------------------------- 763 increase

Thursday
Total world cases: 2,714,736------------------- 81,504 increase
Total fatalities:  190,293-------------------------6,468 increase
UK total: 138,078-------------------------------4,583 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,738---------------------------638 increase

The news today said that the UK figures are the lowest weekday figures in three weeks - apparently the weekend figures are lower because the people that report the figures are not at work - which pushes higher figures during the week.  I am guessing that when I said the figures were low and the news reporters didn't mention it - it must have been the weekend.

The news also says that as from tomorrow essential workers and their families can get tested - I assume the anti-body test.  It would be awesome to get a test and find out you've had it and been asymptomatic, what a relief that would be!  I think I might be an essential worker - when I'm actually back at work!  But...it might be a waste of the test because I really don't think I've had it - I think I have been very careful, even at the hospital....but you never know.

So....today - me and Helen went out early to have another look on the park to try and find mum's bracelet - but unfortunately we didn't. 

Joanne came around with some food from a farm shop - and we stood chatting for a while - from a distance.  At one point mum said to her that she was getting hugs off me and Helen - she said she has Helen, the skinny one - and Me - the......spongy one!!  Thanks mum!! 

Mum also said how Helen had been great doing all the paperwork etc. which she absolutely has - and then said and Sam has....and she struggled to say what I've been doing lol.  I know she didn't mean it, she knows I've done stuff too - if nothing else - moral support! But I have also been chasing things up, doing spreadsheets, cleaning, cooking, sorting shopping out...it was just funny at the time that she couldn't think of anything!

I had a video call with Lissa for a while when mum and Helen went out with the dogs - was lovely to see her lovely smiley face and her huge pregnant belly!  She has 5 weeks left! I was determined to make the call all positive and not get upset about anything - and that was quite easy as Lissa is just a naturally happy positive person and probably brings out the best in me.  It felt nice and more normal than things have seemed lately. 

We all had lunch outside again and then retired to the living room.  Mum went for a shower at one point and me and Helen got to chat openly without upsetting mum - about the things that we are concerned about (leaving mum, our family at home, the funeral arrangements, how we will probably go home and cry freely).

I made a chilli in the slow cooker tonight which I think mum really enjoyed - another success which is cool. 

At 8pm we went out to do the clap for the NHS - emotional, because we did it last week just after dad had died, and it brought it back, and we were clapping for the people that helped him and were with him at the end.  You could here people all around clapping and banging on things, and fireworks.  It is great to see/hear the nation coming together.  I guess the neighbors knew we had lost dad too...

So - after that we watched Money Heist - and then I came to bed. 

Funeral is a week today - Helen is getting stressed that if ppl are not happy with how it goes - what gets read out - they will blame her so I am going to get more involved with what people want said etc. then if there are any complaints, they can complain about both of us.  Helen was saying that she doesn't think anybody really understands what we went through last week at the hospital and with mum, and they probably don't.  Everybody was just dealing with their own upset and grief.  We went through something quite traumatic - having to push mum to be strong and go in there and be there for dad, and not give in to her emotions - and the call we had from the visitors room with dad.  It was all quite horrifying and mega upsetting and just horrible.  I don't mind or care if people don't appreciate what we went through and don't understand/know or whatever.  It makes me think that maybe Helen is struggling with that trauma - and any sign of complaint about the funeral will make her really angry - well, that would make me angry too I guess....  I dunno....just think Helen has taken on too much too fast after Dad died and she needs to give herself a break.

Goodnight xxx

Coronavirus Peak

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Wednesday
Total world cases: 2,633,232------------------- 76,745 increase
Total fatalities:  183,825-------------------------6,593 increase
UK total: 133,495-------------------------------4,451 increase
UK Fatalities: 18,100--------------------------- 763 increase

The death rate in the UK is still high - with total fatalities at 183,825 - and these are probably just a fraction in reality.  I bet we'll actually lose over a million worldwide, if we haven't already.

The news today says that the UK will have socially disruptive measures in place at least until the end of the year, and that we are only going to see the end of this when we get a vaccine, or medication which stops people from dying.  It is going to be such a long time until we see some kind of normality.  Even then, so many things will have changed and never go back to how they were.  I have no idea what, or how the world will look - but I'm guessing that many things will have changed for the worst and some things for the better - who knows?  We just need to get to a safe place and worry about the rest of it later.

Will we keep our jobs? Will we still have our house? Will we even have our gorgeous puddy cats - as two domestic cats have now tested positive for the virus in New York - they have respiratory symptoms - and the news was asking people not to abandon their pets! I bet people will and that's just awful!

Anyway....another day of ups and downs....I was up before Helen today which is unusual - even though we are all up around the same time.  She was awake - but struggling.  She came down upset - and continued to be upset for a while.  Today was a week since our dad died.  This was marked by the fact that we could open the bag of my dads few possessions that he had at the hospital - as well as the hand prints that they did.  This was something we all found a bit weird.  They asked if we wanted a lock of hair - but he didn't really have any!  I guess that this is something the hospitals started to do when family members could not be there with their loved ones at all during their illness, and very limited amount of time at the end.  We agreed to the hand prints because we didn't want to regret it if we said no.  So we opened and saw the hand prints and it was weird, and emotional for all of us.  I kept thinking of the state he was in when they took them.. I assume it was when he was unconscious at the end - so looking at the hand prints was kinda awful.

Helen couldn't really control her emotions - so I suggested she went back upstairs and had a proper good cry, which has been a little difficult really and we keep trying to pull ourselves together instead of completely letting go (like I did after my conversation with the florist the other day).  Helen disappeared for a while - and I started to do a financial spreadsheet for my mum so she could see exactly what she has coming in and going out - and thank god she didn't end up in negative figures, so she was reassured that she'd cope financially.

Me and mum went out with the dogs as usual - and on our return had some lunch at a table outside because the weather is so nice.  After this Mum realised that she'd lost the bracelet that she got as a retirement present - we searched and even went back to the park, where a weirdo on a 3 wheeled moped thing was playing reggae music stupidly loud - he had stereo speakers attached, it was quite unsettling when he started to look with us too - but a nice gesture I suppose.  Unfortunately we never found it.

I saw that my Dad was in the Manchester Evening News today - his photo was alongside lots of other people that had died of the coronavirus - one of my siblings must have sent in the info because it said something about each of the people - to let people see that these are not just number - they are actual people.  I had mixed feelings when I saw it - seeing him alongside all the others - like you see when there has been a terrorist attack or other disaster.  I didn't want to see him there!!! I want him to be fine and safe and at home!

We all went and sat down and Mum started to talk about how she was dreading me and Helen leaving and was worried about getting really upset when we do because she didn't want us to feel bad - and this turned into a conversation about her having to live without my dad and she got really upset.  It was awful because there is nothing we can do or say to change the reality of that.  Her whole life has been irreversibly changed forever.  She has lost her companion and is going to have to face everything she does without him.  It was honestly awful and I cannot imagine how hard that must be.  We just tried to tell her that she will get through it, it will get easier and that we'll always be there for her...very difficult conversation and very difficult see her cry and feel so lost.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same as every other, although I did video message Andy and we chatted for about an hour and a half he walked around the garden and was showing me the cats and house - and everything else I am missing.  He is very lonely and feeling very down, and has nobody for company, I feel really bad for him but there is nothing we can do other than try and offer some emotional support we can for each other. 

Anyway we had tea - started watching a series called The Heist - which was good so very much distracted us from dwelling on negative thoughts!

When I came to bed Helen messaged me asking if I was okay and we discussed how hard the conversation had been with mum, and how hard it will be to leave, knowing other people can't visit - other than to speak to her over the garden fence at a distance.

Screwed up cruel world right now, with no end in sight. I'd like to say it couldn't get much worse - but it really could - something I cannot dwell on or I'd never sleep at night - its difficult enough as it is.

Mouse trap

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 2,556,487------------------- 79,913 increase
Total fatalities:  177,232-------------------------6,663 increase
UK total: 129,044-------------------------------4,301 increase
UK Fatalities: 17,337--------------------------- 828 increase

Well, yesterday I spoke about how the UK deaths had reduced - and the day before - but today they are back up again.  828 people had to go through something awful - and all their families are now grieving - and that's just in the UK.   The news today states that we may have got over the peak and that the increase in deaths today may have been a delay in reporting.  However, deaths from other causes have increased - because of the knock-on effect.  So many people dying, and so many people going insane because of the lock down.  Almost everybody must be suffering some kind of negative effect but I bet quite a lot of people are enjoying being at home unaffected by it all - wish I was one of those people!

Today - we all got up - stupidly early again. Chatted and did some admin and then Helen went out with mum today with the dogs.  We think we may have got through the scary time span where we would have shown symptoms if we had contracted the virus at the hospital - but that's not 100% certain....whilst they were out I called to arrange the flowers for the casket - and near the end of the conversation she asked for my dads name - and when I told her - she sort of gasped, because she knew my dad - unsurprising, as so many people knew him! She seemed really thrown by this and I went to pieces again as soon as I got off the phone.  I just kept thinking - or actually saying - I'm so sorry dad!! I was thinking - I'm so sorry this happened to you!!

It was at this point that I decided to write the letter to my dad that is on this blog.  I just felt that I needed to say a few things to him.  I think it did me a lot of good writing it.  I had a massive dilemma about posting that here on the blog - I put it up and took it down again a few times - but in the end decided to leave it up.  Might never be able to read it back without getting upset.  But the whole point of this blog is to be able to look back at everything and see and feel how I was feeling at any point in time.

I tried to straighten myself out before mum and Helen came back - but I failed really.  Its okay though - we have all got used to each other randomly getting upset.

A few days ago my mum told me that, Hilda, the woman that runs the dancing club they go to was not going to go - or cancel the dancing session and my mum said - we'll be okay, people are overreacting - so they all went dancing and the next day Hilda told my mum she wasn't well and thought she had the virus - then my Mum came down with it - and then my dad caught it.  She feels responsible now that if she hadn't said that to Hilda my Dad would still be alive.  I tried to reassure her - she shouldn't have to live with that guilt, and she was self isolating by 20th March and the lock down came on 23rd.  Horrible thought though that it could possibly have been avoided.

After lunch me and Helen went into the attic - Mum and Dad had wanted us to go up there and take anything that might be ours as they have a lot of stuff up there.  I hadn't expected to find anything of mine because I think they gave me my stuff years ago.  We joked about it being like friends when Ross found loads of memorabilia from his childhood in his parents garage but all Monica's boxes had been used to protect her dads car during a flood.  Helen found loads of her stuff and there was hardly anything of mine - just 3 old games.  Mouse trap and...cant remember the name of it now - but a game I never would have remembered about!  There was also spirograph - and I was so chuffed because underneath the pieces in the box was lots of drawings and I thought awww look at these I did - only to find Helens name on it all as well as our Bevs!

We didn't really do much for the rest of the day.  I had made campfire stew which is made with a big gammon joint and goes in the slow cooker.  At some point during the day I thought that it wasn't cooking well/quick enough so I turned it to high.  I really wanted to make something nice for me and mum and really wanted it to turn out well.  When I came back to it at 5pm I discovered that I had set it to 'keep warm' rather than high - so it wasn't as tender as it should be.  I didn't really enjoy it - but my mum seemed to which was a relief!

Our evening was the same as usual - watched the end of Tiger King - and I came to bed early as usual.

The battery is about to go on my laptop - so I'm going to leave it there.

Letter to my Dad

This is quite personal, but is is something I have decided to do - because I think I need to.  I debated keeping this private - but it is my blog, my diary and I'm just laying it all out there....

Dad,

I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you!  I know you'd be pissed off knowing that this damn virus got to you - and you couldn't beat it.  We were so hopeful weren't we? We thought that you'd be back home! We discussed when that might be and I really believed it - I really believed you would win the fight!  I know you tried as hard as you could and there was nothing more you could do.  I'm so angry dad, you didn't deserve this - you didn't deserve to suffer like that.  It must have been so terrible - and so scary.  You told me if you got pneumonia you'd be a gonner - and you were right.  Seeing you near the end with that huge mask on was awful, and it was really awful not being able to understand what you were saying a lot of the time.  I'm sorry if you said things to me that I just nodded to - but there is only so many times I could ask you to repeat it - without feeling terrible and I could see it was difficult for you.  I'm also so sorry that we couldn't be there with you.  I know you were so upset when your Dad died alone, and I always thought that no matter what - I'd be there for you and I couldn't be.

I know that your biggest worry would have been Mum.  Well me and helen have been here for her the whole time, and you'd be proud of her - she is doing well and I think she will get through it so don't worry!!

Dad - the amount of people sending their wishes and condolences is huge - so many people thought so much of you - you've made us all so proud, so proud that you were our dad!  I think it has helped mum so much - having so many people sending their best wishes etc. 

You did such a great job and were so organised with all your paperwork - so we (mainly Helen) have been sorting out everything we possibly can for Mum so she doesn't have to do it and made this so much easier for us! We had no idea at all that you were so well organised!

Apparently you said to a few people that you wanted the song Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - at your funeral!  Mum wasn't keen to be honest, but she understands - and it is so typical of you to want something that would make people smile through the tears. 

I am going to miss you so much - I know that you knew how much I loved you  how much all of us loved you.  We can't come together at this awful time, but we all got together online - you would have been proud - we all got quite drunk and had many laughs - talking about you and your stories!  You have instilled in us all - a sense of family and a good sense of humour! 

Dad, thank you so much for all the help you gave us with the house!  I plan on sanding and repainting the door you fixed for us when I get back home again!  I found the sash window you made for me in the garage - it made me cry to think of the effort you had put in to make it - and it was one of the last things you said to me - I need to do your sash window!  Well don't worry - the window you made will be fitted - I'll arrange it, your effort will not be wasted!!

I'll never get over losing you dad.  You meant the world to me.  I know I was your favourite ;-) You just didn't admit it because you didn't want to upset the others!! 

Who I am going to turn to when I need advice on DIY? I have thought to myself a few times already - I'll ask my dad...(like trying to work your lawn mower!) and then remembered I can't anymore, and it hurts.  I know you wouldn't want us to be sad and upset but that is too difficult right now, we are all heart broken. 

You would be touched by the tributes - there might even be a Roy Carter Challenge Cup rugby match later in the year.  Different organisation like Langworthy and the Art Club have all done their own tributes - with so many comments - and even shared stories that have made us all laugh.

Rest easy dad - with no worries.  Mum will be okay - we will make sure of it.  She is stronger than you think - or maybe you knew?

Love you forever. xxx

Tired and weary

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 2,476,574------------------- 137,445 increase
Total fatalities:  170,569-------------------------5,563 increase
UK total: 124,743-------------------------------4,676 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,509--------------------------- 449 increase

Another significant decrease in UK deaths - which I hope IS actually significant and not just a temporary dip - still a lot of people dying too early, but it is promising.  Not too much made of it on the news however which surprises me. I just had a look on BBC news and Sky News and they simply reported the numbers without mentioning the fact that it has gone down again.  Maybe this is just indicative of reporters mainly focussing on negative things or maybe reporters know that this will be short lived?

Some people in America are protesting against the lock down because of the harm to businesses and livelihoods.  If they had a loved one go through what my dad did I swear they wouldn't even consider should a stupid protest.  I understand that people are struggling and are under threat of not being able to pay - or can't pay mortgages - but your life is more important than material things.  Maybe I'd feel the differently if I was going to lose my house and I had no personal experience with the virus so I won't judge too harshly.  I just think that the more people that socialise and ignore the advice or protest, the more people will die - including those very protesters.  Maybe they will regret it when they are in hospital on a ventilator contemplating their own mortality.

Anyway...after a bad nights sleep I was woken up at 7.15am by Mum and Helen getting up.  I got up - and joined them and Helen was getting a migraine - she suffers very badly with them and is on all sorts of medication so it was quite worrying.  She took pills in the hope that she could stop a full blown one....we were expecting to hear from the funeral home with a date, so she wanted to get that over with.  We both started to check what we had to follow up on today - and started doing that...I was chasing up about the Wills and Power of Attorney - not because we needed them but we wanted to locate them and make sure everything was in order.  I was following up on a debt my mum managed to get a County Court Judgement on - in a case where we have now been told the woman in question had died of cancer.  Its awful to question this - but she lied to my mum again and again...

I cut the grass again - a bit shorter and trimmed around edges with scissors! Looks much better.  Then we heard back from the funeral home - 30th April - 10 days from today.  Another 10 days away from home.  It seems like a long time.  I want to be here for my mum for as long as possible but its not easy really - for reasons I mentioned yesterday.  I still haven't heard back from my boss either - he is probably on rest days - but I need some reassurance really because I am a little worried about the time I have been off.  It is probably not too bad because this virus has turned everything on its head but still....

We had some lunch and then I went with my mum with the dogs to the park, and when we got back Helen was in bed.  I started to go through lots of photographs - sending some via messenger to my kids, of when they were all little.  My mum seems to have better ones of my lot when they were young than I do!  After this - we watched TV for a while - and then it was time to think about food - and Helen got up - after 5 hours in bed - feeling much better which was a relief.

The shopping we ordered wasn't arriving until late so we decided to order take-out.  It was very average - but solved the dilemma of what to have.  We then settled down again in front of the TV - and watched Tiger King again.  My mum and Helen are both into their crochet - my mum does all sorts - but they have this in common - I am getting a bit of pressure to join in!!

I have been so tired all day and headachy - to at about 9.40pm I left them to it - I came to bed and had a quick chat via messenger with Andy and wrote this blog.  I need to get to sleep asap - or my early night will be wasted - it is already 11pm!!  That went quickly!  Good night...

Another day in isolation....

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 2,339,129------------------- 66,684 increase
Total fatalities:  165,006-------------------------5,890 increase
UK total: 120,067-------------------------------5,850 increase
UK Fatalities: 16,060--------------------------- 596 increase

Hi,

So, today is the lowest daily increase in deaths in the UK in the last two weeks.  I have no idea if this means anything - I hope it means they are going to continue to decrease, that it means the lock down is having an effect and that we are starting to turn the tide - fingers crossed it is even lower tomorrow. 

The news is talking about how front line staff  such as doctors and nurses are running out of protective equipment, some was supposed to arrive today from Turkey but didn't for some reason.  Having seen the protective equipment needed on video chat with my dad - I can't imagine what will happen if they don't have it! They can't just go into rooms with people full of the virus unprotected - they'd have to refuse and then the poor people suffering will suffer even more - so I sincerely hope that this is rectified very soon!

When my dad was moved to the high dependency ward in the last 24-48hrs, and we video chatted - the nurse answered the video call we made - we saw the nurse in full protective gear and it was so sad knowing my dad had to see that.  It was something that we discussed today.  Helen said that some people assumed that we had got to see dad at the end - and said to her (and they have said it to me too) Its good that you got to see him at the end.  This is frustrating for two reasons - one - we didn't get to see him in the flesh, and two - when we saw him on video call it was heart wrenching, not good to see that at all!  We got quite upset thinking about this - it is one of the things I try not to let myself think about because it is just too hard...

Today was pretty bad again in many ways.  In general, we seem to be doing fine - get up have breakfast and a brew, think about things we have to do today...  Big boxes of photographs were dug out.  We started to go through them - laughing, and sawing awww look at dad here, or look at dad with my kids etc.  Other pictures were funny, or just reminded us of the things we had done, forgotten about etc.  I gave up after a while thinking i'd come back to them tomorrow.  We took pictures of some of them on our phones and took some of the actual photo's as my mum doesn't need/want them all.

After doing this for a while me and mum took the dogs out for a bit and had a walk around the park.  Its quite nice really because we got out of the house and can have some quality time together.

I spoke to Andy on the way back as we have a couple arriving today to stay in the annex for a couple of months.  It's a doctor and her partner who is a 4th year medical student.  Airbnb are being crap and they haven't even managed to actually book and pay for it - but we let them come along anyway knowing (hoping) we can sort it out eventually.  Andy had to sort the annex out by himself - change beds and clean etc.

We got home and had lunch and I decided to go and have a look at the sash window that Dad had made for us and was going to fit - probably around now, or soon.  When I saw it I went to pieces - how good was he to make that for us and fit it!!  The time and effort he had put in!  I really hope he knew how much I appreciated it.  Everyday I see evidence of how awesome he was and it makes me miss him more and more.  I get angry and think - I want him back!!!!

So...I got a shower and just sat at my laptop not really knowing what to do with myself while Helen and my mum chatted in the garden for a while.  I just felt completely fed up and depressed.  We ended up sat in the living room, and I slept for about ten minutes - knackered all the time at the moment.  My mum had a more substantial sleep - as did Helen, and then we sorted tea out.  Soup and dumplings all round.  Then again we went and watched TV - Tiger King which I've seen before but thought they might like enough to get in to - so we are not flicking around channels not knowing what we want to watch. 

I expect tomorrow will be much the same. I am expecting a reply from my boss after I emailed him on saturday - I think he is back in work tomorrow?  We are also expecting to hear from the funeral home and get a date.  I don't have any appropriate funeral attire but I suppose it doesn't matter as there will only be 10 of us - and we can't hang around or anything.

I need to get to sleep - I keep staying up too late and still have to get up early.  Being so tired does not help the crappy situation we are all in at the moment. 

Feeling generally low....

Hi again,

The figures today:

Friday                                                             (figures since Tuesday)
Total world cases: 2,229,339------------------- 254,334 increase
Total fatalities:  151,167-------------------------26,375 increase
UK total: 108,692-------------------------------14,819 increase
UK Fatalities: 14,576--------------------------- 2,469 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 2,272,445------------------- 43,106 increase
Total fatalities:  159,116-------------------------7,949 increase
UK total: 114,217-------------------------------5,525 increase
UK Fatalities: 15,464--------------------------- 888 increase

Nearly 8,000 deaths around the world and 888 in the UK.  Its so sad and depressing - still feels unreal - hard to believe it is happening.  I say this everyday...or similar, but still....its so hard to accept this is happening.

Today has not been a good day again....in addition to just randomly getting reminded of the loss of dad and bursting into tears, I have felt like a numbness and depressed.  No motivation, just feeling crap to be honest.

We are all up at 7.30am everyday - once one person is up and the dogs are active it is impossible to sleep - the house is small with thin walls.  I am not used to that in our mansion!  I'm not used to going to bed as early as them - tonight Andy texted me - about 10.20pm asking how I was - I said we are all tired and I looked over to Mum and Helen and they were both fast asleep!

So once we are up - we all have a cup of tea (I miss my expensive coffee maker!) then we potter...maybe have some things to chase up regarding funeral or paperwork.  Then I go out with my mum with the dogs....then we'll get lunch - and today Mum and Helen suggested I crochet something for my kids babies - but I'm not experienced at that and wasn't exactly in the mood - its something that they have more in common.  I ended up fretting about work and checking my emails and replying to things I should have replied to...emailed my boss about self isolating etc.

Eventually we went and sat down - nothing to watch on TV - I'm in an uncomfortable chair - I miss my computer cos this laptop is not very good.  I tried to crochet because I was trying to join in - but I messed it up and couldn't be bothered.  Then me and mum have a massive dilemma about food because we dislike most things the other one likes.  We eventually agreed and I cooked tea - then we sat in front of the TV struggling to find something to watch - and avoiding anything to do with the coronavirus.

I miss home, Andy, my bed (I'm sleeping in a bunk bed), the cats, space, my own routine - I am not used living communally - its all just very different to what I am used to.  Its not that it is awful or anything - and I am sounding like I am saying everything is just crap here - its not that - its just that on top of everything else I am out of my usual environment and that is stressful in itself.  Apart from a walk around a park with the dogs - we can't go anywhere or do anything.

Helen is struggling a bit too - today her daughter Eloise and her husband Paul - had a bit of a fallout and Eloise was in a right state.  Her son Zack was trying to mediate and she knows Eloise is struggling without her and she feels bad for not being there.  So it is definitely not easy for her either.  I don't think my mum realises that these things are not easy for us - she knows we are struggling with the loss of Dad, but the other things.......  I don't want her to know we have these other concerns because we are here to help her, and I feel guilty for complaining about it because its not about me at the moment it is about supporting my mum, but still... 

Me and Helen are supporting each other as well as mum, so that's good.  Anyway - I might try and suggest we have a game of cards or something different and distracting tomorrow - I might even try and go for a run or something...

Just a few other things to mention.  I was so touched today - I had bought a mug for my dad a few years back with a picture of the two of us on it and he had told me a while back that he was gutted because he had broken it.  I saw it today on a shelf - with a big piece missing including the handle - the picture was intact - he'd kept it and I found it on a shelf!  I was so touched that he'd kept it even though it was broken!

Also - we were going through some paperwork and I found something else that I was surprised and really touched that he'd kept.  It was a sign I had made when me and Andy picked him up from the airport when he came to see us in Sunbury on his own.  He'd come to help us convert our garage into a room and put a window in.  Me and Andy made a sign like the taxi drivers hold up with their customers names on.  I had written Sir Royston of Mad-chester! He had found it quite funny but I had no idea that he'd kept it!!