Lock down day 100,135....or so it feels

Sunday
Total world cases: 3,554,549-------------------  88,884 increase
Total fatalities:  247,604------------------------- 3,857 increase
UK total: 186,599-------------------------------  4,339 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,446--------------------------- 315 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 3,640,815-------------------  82,266 increase
Total fatalities:  251,816------------------------- 4,212 increase
UK total: 190,584-------------------------------  3,985 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,734--------------------------- 288 increase

So - its Tuesday today - but I didn't update the figures last night - look how the UK fatalities have reduced, I hope it is even lower today!  It is great news - not for the people that still died however, but great for the people still alive that could have been just another number if we hadn't locked down.  The news is always discussing when the lock down will be lifted, and I understand people want to get back to normal - or as normal as it can be, but come on people!!  Don't rush - lets continue to save lives and not go out until it is really safe!!  

I am trying to type one-handed, as one of my cats - mercky is paddy-pawing my arm and licking me as she has done since she was a kitten.  My arms always look a little shredded but its so sweet...

Anyway in the news yesterday the Nightingale Hospital in London - built in the excel centre to take 4,000 patients has stepped down as it is not needed anymore.  I don't think it was ever even a quarter full - they built it all but didn't have the staff to manage it!  But it is great news that its not full of people!  I'm not sure how they predicted we'd need it - we ended up one of the worse hit countries and yet didn't really need it.  I believe this is because they managed to free up so many beds in hospitals.  The doctor staying with us in our annex told me that the hospital is really really quiet because they don't have many covid patients, and there are no visitors allowed in the hospital.  So far from being over run it is eerily quiet.  We are no way near over this nightmare however - and there is fear of a 2nd wave once we all emerge from our houses....

The news is boring - same old stuff....companies losing business (new car sales down 97%), articles about what to expect at work when the lock down is eased (all of a sudden we won't need 2 metres distance between us, suddenly a metre is fine!), there is to be a trial of a tracing/tracking app on the Isle of Wright (to see if you have been in contact with infected people)...who died of the virus that we might know (keyboard player from the Strangles), midwives still delivering babies in the middle of the chaos (the token good news story).....Countries doing well....countries doing badly....predictions....guesses....

So....yesterday - we organised our food and meal plan as we always have to make our shopping last us until the next one....we seems to be saving money as we are not wasting food like we might normally do.  We went for a walk - we did a 5km route that I used to run.  Took a few pics...

It felt today that Andy was feeling low - not surprising considering that we are in the middle of a pandemic, his job is not secure, we can't leave the house or go anywhere other than the walk, we've suffered a bereavement - the world as we knew it has gone, hopefully temporary but who knows what the new normal will be like - it all sucks really.  I kept having low moments too - suddenly thinking about not seeing my dad again...

Groundhog days....the highlight of our day being.....can't think of anything....well...yesterday was saving a mouse from the cats and it looking undamaged (unlike the dead one we found earlier in the day).  We got to the end of Money Heist....that has kept me occupied in the evenings for a couple of weeks.  Have to d=find something else now.  There are other things I could be doing - getting my sowing machine out and making masks, painting in the attic, cleaning....but I am not doing any of these things.  Lost all motivation - for quite a while now!  Not sure how to make this better - when I force myself to do things and not sit around like this....

in my PJ's, unbrushed hair.......I don't seem to get any pleasure from it and it feels like so much effort.

Tonight we are having another quiz night with the kids - that should be good.....sorry - I'm obviously not feeling in a great place right now.....

 

Saturday/Sunday

Friday
Total world cases: 3,388,235-------------------  84,645 increase
Total fatalities:  238,935------------------------- 5,226 increase
UK total: 177,454-------------------------------  6,201 increase
UK Fatalities: 27,510--------------------------- 739 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 3,465,665------------------- 77,430  increase
Total fatalities:  243,747------------------------- 4,812 increase
UK total: 182,260-------------------------------  4,806 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,131--------------------------- 621 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 3,554,549-------------------  88,884 increase
Total fatalities:  247,604------------------------- 3,857 increase
UK total: 186,599-------------------------------  4,339 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,446--------------------------- 315 increase

The UK is almost at 30,000 deaths - and to think we were horrified when the Government mentioned a figure of 20,000 at the beginning of all this.  There is a lot of discussion about why the UK is one of the highest hit countries in the world.  Only the US and Italy are ahead of us - and Italy is barely ahead...  If we had locked down a week earlier = not only would we have saved lots of people - but we almost certainly have not lost my Dad.  That is tough to accept.  However, hindsight is a wonderful thing - I have to tell myself that our Government did the very best they could in unprecedented circumstances. 

Three days ago President Trump said that he had seen evidence that the virus has originated from a Wuhan lab - and yesterday Pompeo (the secretary of State in the US) also said that he thought that the virus was made made in a Wuhan lab.  This has been my thinking all along, and I wrote a long post about it on 14th April 2020 - but obviously I don't know the truth.  If it is true then it is tragic - tragic to think this could all have been avoided and human error (or even human intent) caused all of this chaos and destruction.  Who knows what will happen if it is proven - war with China? This would be catastrophic....

 Anyway - this weekend - Saturday me and Andy went out for a walk.  I have been concerned about Andy not having left the house for 6 weeks - and was a little concerned that it might turn into a really unhealthy, almost phobia....he would disagree - he is just being sensible and following advice and understandably he is concerned about catching the virus as it could be a death sentence.  So - we went out to a local area, Netherclay - which is a few acres of greenery, paths....and the sun was out and it was nice - for both of us.  Mega paranoid when coming across other people, but everybody was staying away from everybody else.

Later that evening, we were having a few drinks - we ordered pizza - and at some point I started talking about my dad - and I opened the dam.  I properly cried, about the loss, the injustice, the suffering he endured, the unfairness...I allowed myself to really feel it.  Andy was great - let me just cry whilst being supportive...I eventually calmed down.  I think I needed to do that - but unfortunately having done it - doesn't make all those feeling go away.

Sunday - I got up early yet again - I am still not getting a good and full nights sleep.  I just, well did nothing really - until Andy got up - and then we made some food - some very yummy scrambled egg and sausage bagels, and then we got ready and went out for a walk again.  This time we walked further to another area - Longmead - where I used to do a 5km park run.  It was really nice to get out - feel like we were getting some exercise even though we were only walking.  We were out over an hour - walked around 5km, and on the way back bought a butternut squash plant and a sweet pepper plant from somebody who had just left them outside their house with prices on.  This isn't a new thing that this person is doing - I noticed last year that they were selling pumpkins and other things.

When we got home - I video called my mum and we chatted for quite a while - she is doing okay - keeping busy.  She has made some face masks - and because I came back with material to do the same I expect she will nag me until I make some too!  I then went and had a bath....something I have been longing to do for ages.  I ended up just sat there though feeling quite depressed....

We didn't really eat a meal - we snacked on nuts and snacks and sweets....not great.  I need to get a routine going, start cleaning, washing, making proper meals...

Coming Home

We got up Friday morning and started packing straight away - stripping the beds, putting bedding and towels in the wash - bringing our stuff down stairs....getting ready to go back home after just over two weeks.  That feels like a lie - it felt much much longer that we had been away.  What a journey - travelling through the night, then going to the hospital - knowing Dad wasn't going to survive - then experiencing him leaving us - the loss, the emotions, the preparation for the funeral - each day so similar to the one before...and then the funeral.  A period of time that we will never forget.  My, mum and Helen were so close - over the last two weeks - all supporting each other, living through it together.  It was hard to leave.  Even though I couldn't wait to get home it was awful knowing that we were leaving mum on her own for the first time since Dad had died.  She had already told us that she was dreading it but didn't want to get upset because she didn't want us to feel bad - and she managed to be okay (outwardly) right up until I asked her if her spare keys were in the right place, and she couldn't find them.  I got back out of the car - we found them....I got back into the car - and then she burst into tears.  Phew, that was hard...but we had to drive away...

An hour into our drive we called her - but there was no answer.  We tried again about an hour later and she answered sounding much happier - she had been on the phone all that time to various people and I think that helped her loads.  She was back in fairly good spirits.  Before we had left Joanne had called and they had arranged that she go around like she used to on Monday night for tea - we were so pleased about that - a little bit of normality.  They discussed how they thought it was safe due to everybody isolating, but when we spoke to her from the car - Chris had said no - that mum had to isolate for another two weeks as he thought that the officiate and Steve Lawrence had got too close to her at the funeral.  So that was crap.

The journey went quickly as we were talking none stop - and then I was home - it was about 3pm!  A massive hug from Andy felt amazing - he was sweating as he'd been cleaning to get it all nice for me! Nothing like leaving it until the last minute! It was so weird coming into the house - it looked so big! It honestly truly felt like I had been away for months!! I came into the kitchen/living room - thinking - wow - this place is huge!! lol.  None of the cats bothered to turn up and greet me!  We unpacked the car - Helen nipped to the loo - and then she left, on the last leg of her journey.  We hugged when she left and I thought about what we'd been through together and I felt emotional and very grateful to her - for everything we had shared together.  We had been each others support and got each other through it all - we'd cried - and laughed together, talked through so many things...

I didn't really know what to do with myself once Helen had gone - I had quite a few cuddles with Andy - felt emotional about everything...  We went for a walk around the garden - which again made me feel like I'd been gone for ages - it had grown so much!  Then....I had a gin with actual tonic lol - at mums we had run out of tonic and drank gin and coke! Not that we drank much to be honest.  I got changed - threw myself on my massive bed! and just walked around thinking how nice it was to be back.  It was still bitter sweet though - my dad had been alive when I'd left.  I tried to talk to Andy about some of the things we'd experienced but kept getting upset and not being able to talk - so I left it.  Andy had his own struggles - being all on his own, grieving too and obviously just struggling with the idea of this virus tearing the world apart...

We eventually settled down and watched a film - the cats appeared and I got cuddles - and we ordered Chinese....it got to 10pm and I was falling asleep!  I was also looking forward to getting into my own bed...I was in bed before Helen apparently lol - unheard of before all this....

I must of fallen asleep straight away as I only remember laying down and thinking ooohhhh this is nice.  However, the cats did wake me up when they lay against me and then decided it was bath time....

Covid-19 figures and reflection

Here are the figures from the past few days:

Wednesday
Total world cases: 3,207,514-------------------84,681  increase
Total fatalities:  227,198-------------------------10,719 increase
UK total: 165,221------------------------------- 4,076 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,097--------------------------- 4,419 increase (765 today)

Thursday
Total world cases: 3,303,590-------------------96,076 increase
Total fatalities:  233,709-------------------------6,511 increase
UK total: 171,253-------------------------------  6,032 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,771--------------------------- 674 increase

Friday
Total world cases: 3,388,235-------------------  84,645 increase
Total fatalities:  238,935------------------------- 5,226 increase
UK total: 177,454-------------------------------  6,201 increase
UK Fatalities: 27,510--------------------------- 739 increase

So - looking at the figures - the UK are still getting around 700 deaths a day.  We are not seeing a daily decrease - it doesn't really matter whether the government are saying we are still in the peak, or we are over the peak or whatever - it is consistently high when you look at the figures.  Although....before we only had the hospital figures and I'm not sure, but this might now include other figures from care homes.  Either way - so many people are dying of this horrendous virus. 

It still hurts to know that my dad is amongst these fatalities, and I just hope that my family does not suffer any further loses.  I haven't seen anybody else in all my friends on facebook, that have lost somebody to the virus - but obviously 27,510 families around the UK have, and at least a quarter of a million families around the world have too.  The UK remains one of the highest hit countries with only the US and Italy exceeding our losses. 

It is still really difficult to process - despite this having been going on for quite some time now.  Our lock down began on 23rd March and it is now 2nd May - so nearly 6 weeks.  That seems like no time at all in the grand scale of things - but it seems like so much longer than that.  Some people must be really struggling, especially people on their own.  Each person has their own struggle, whether it be coping with isolation, coping with kids and home schooling, trying to get shopping and food...domestic violence is sky high...boredom - and fear, and in some cases grief from losing a loved one  I know a few people who are convinced that they won't survive if they get it, and at the same time we are being told that a vaccine won't be available for at least a year.  It really does feel like the world has we know it has irreversibly changed, actually it is not just a feeling, it really has.  At the moment we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Even once we get a vaccine, the economy is so messed up - so many businesses and livelihoods have been eradicated.  Other things are impossible too - dental treatment, haircuts, eye tests - and more serious things such as cancer treatments being cancelled, and people not going to the doctors or A&E for fear of catching the virus. 

Who would have thought that this would happen?? well....a few people like Bill Gates maybe....but it is all like a bad movie (or a good one if it was all fictional).

Personally - I look back to the day I was driving to work crying, and turned back and came home - only my second day in work and I had a mini break down  - I look back and think, wow, I really did lose it!  I was in such a bad place.  Now, my dad has lost his battle with the virus, I realise that, that was the biggest thing stressing me out, even though I really thought he would be okay.  I suppose there was always the possibility that he wouldn't be okay.  Now, I am in a different place...where my only worries are for the rest of my family, myself....of losing Andy....all of us at this moment in time are healthy but who knows? My daughter Lissa is due a baby in 4 weeks - I was supposed to be there with her and now she can only have her partner there for a limited amount of time and nobody will be able to visit and see her tiny newborn baby and who knows how old the baby will be when we get to see her.  As long as they are all safe I suppose it is not so important but it is relative.  It is only natural for families to come together at times like this and it is painful not being able to do these things.  My son is due twins just weeks afterwards and again - this will be the same I expect, as social distancing is to remain in place for a long time yet!  They are having twins and will have to try and manage with no outside help.  What a mess.

Saying goodbye to my dad....

Today we all woke up extra early - before 7am.  We met as usual around the dining table, and had a brew and we were all anxious - discussing what we needed to do.  I got a shower - and then we were ready to take dogs out and stuff and realised it was only 8am...

We hung around - all of us with different things going around our heads.  I felt fairly unemotional - but full of adrenaline....we had until 12.30pm before the car turned up - all we had to do was get changed, grab the picture of my dad and put out coats on - so there was nothing else to do to prepare.

Mum and Helen went out with the dogs and I made a curry and put it in the slow cooker so food was sorted for later.  I spoke to Andy which was nice and comforting.  I just felt sort of numb - no crying, it was weird.

When they got back - I'd finished and Helen said - lets just go watch TV - but we started talking about wearing masks in public and maybe making them - and then we ended up looking up patterns and printing out instructions - and finding material to take home so we could make them....that distracted us for a while.  At 11.30am we started to get changed and ready - and before we knew it, it was 12.15 and family members were turning up outside.  I went out and was chatting to Bev and Jo - at a distance....and other people were in the street and opposite - some dressed in black - obviously there to see Dad off.  It was weird.  Then I saw the car approach with the funeral director walking ahead of the car carrying a long cane...and I got upset.  I'd been dreading that sight.  It was weird because I felt that everybody was watching us...the neighbours and others that had turned up.  We all got upset at this point - because our dad was in there...

There was some discussion about the route - and then we got in the car, Helen driving me and mum - and Joanne and Chris, Bev and George, Andrew and Antony followed.  We could see the people lining the road....we drove very slowly all the way there - it was a part of the day I had given no consideration to...we drove to the top of mums road and turned right - and more people there....people on their doorsteps had obviously been waiting to see us go past - in black.  We got to where my dad worked (where they had put a sign in the window - we saw yesterday) and quite a number of people were stood there too...it was very emotional.  I was so proud of dad - look at all these people who thought so much of you!!  The nice weather had gone really and it was a bit rainy, which felt appropriate.

We got there - and my Dads best friend Steve Lawrence was there - was good to see him.  We all waited outside for a little while - the funeral director was speaking to Mum - commenting on the amount of people lining the streets.  The Officiate who was speaking at the funeral - taking the service - introduced himself - he had communicated with Helen and it was he, who Helen had sent the eulogy to. He had realised that he also knew my dad! Typical! He knew everybody!!

Everybody there was upset that we had to stay apart - couldn't hug each other...  Then they got Dad out of the car and we followed him/them in, I don't think I watched that - didn't want to see the...coffin - god I hate that word!!   I tried my best to not even think of the fact that he was inside - just blocked that out really.  As we went in they played the Bet Middler song - Wind beneath my Wings - the main chorus is - Did you ever know that your my hero....that got me crying!!  I knew we were all thinking that he was indeed our hero! I just covered my face and didn't look at anybody else.  The place was pretty empty and alternate benches were taped off to keep people apart....me and Helen sat either side of mum at the front - which was good because I couldn't see other people getting upset which would have upset me more, at one point we both held mums hand and it felt good to be able to support her through it because she was struggling.

Then the officiate started talking...pretty soon he read out Helen's eulogy which she had put together using bits and pieces we had all mentioned to her - little things about the kind of person he was and memories.  Some of this made people laugh instead of cry and it was really lovely.  I just listened and thought about that and not about...well....the tragedy of it all.  Then Steve got up and spoke - he said some lovely things and also made us laugh - mostly about how my dad failed in learning french, and how he managed on their rugby trips to France - but always manage to be understood.   Steve broke down at the end and that was upsetting.  I was so grateful to him for getting up and saying such nice things - even though he was obviously heart broken.  My brother Andrew got up next and he also made people laugh a little - the french things were mentioned again!  It was obvious that Andrew struggled a little emotionally to get through it, but bless him, he did it and I was so proud of him - my dad would have been very proud too.  It wasn't as heart breaking and as sad as I thought it would be because the focus was on Dads sense of humour and our memories which were mainly of fun things - not all doom and gloom and sad hymns.  A poem was read out that Bev had suggested - that was upsetting...

After the poem they played the song my dad wanted at the funeral - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...a comedy song.  It made me smile - and I just looked down and listened - and I missed the curtain close so we could no longer see Dad which is probably a good thing - his photo (above) was on the...coffin - god never realised that word is so awful!!!

Then we left - staying apart which is so damn unnatural at a funeral!  We were given the flowers from the top of his....from in the car!! and we got the photo back - and we all stood around chatting a little about the absurdity of not being able to physically comfort each other - and then we went off to find my grandparents gravestone - my dads parents - to put the flowers on.  We found it - quite far away - and discussed how WRONG it was that they both outlived him - when dad was so much healthier, and fitter, and more active than they were.  My grandad died just before his 80th and my nan died at 84.  They were also amazing lovely people.  This coronavirus robbed us of him and it feels so unfair.  We all took one of the red roses from the flowers...and eventually said our goodbyes...for now.

We made our way back to the car - I was chatting to Andrew - the others went the opposite way as they had driven down to our grandparents graveside...and then we came home.

All over so quickly.  I was not the emotional mess I thought I was going to be - and I don't know why really...

When we got back I thought - sod it - and I got my dads whiskey and poured a glass - Mum and Helen then joined me with a brandy - and we raised a glass to my Dad.  I had a few more of these and felt quite squiffy!  We spent some time replying to messages on our phones and I messaged Andy - Helen spoke to Paul - we discussed how it had all gone....

Later we ate - and then plonked ourselves in front of the TV and watched the last of series 2 of the Money Heist.  Again, it was just a distraction for us all - I just wanted the time to go - and get to bed - have this day over with.  When it got to bed time Mum was quite quiet and sad and I know she is dreading us leaving tomorrow.  The house will be so quiet and I am worried about her, it will probably hit her properly when we have gone because she has not been alone since the day before he died....

I don't need to say it all again, but I am going to anyway...I'm going to miss my dad so much! Its not fair what happened to him...he tried so hard to fight it, and he should have won that fight because its so wrong, so wrong!! I'm so sorry Dad!!  It must have been awful and scary - and I'm so so sorry.  I love you so much xxxxx

The day before the funeral...

Tuesday
Total world cases: 3,122,833-------------------64,774  increase
Total fatalities:  216,479-------------------------5,171 increase
UK total: 161,145------------------------------- 3,996 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,678--------------------------- 586 increase

Wednesday
Total world cases: 3,207,514-------------------84,681  increase
Total fatalities:  227,198-------------------------10,719 increase
UK total: 165,221------------------------------- 4,076 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,097--------------------------- 4,419 increase (765 today)

Our figures are showing VERY high today because they have decided to add in the care home deaths - so we have had a big jump, but more realistic figures.  I don't think other countries are doing this - so worldwide figures are way too low - unfortunately.  Our daily figure is 765 so the drop only lasted a couple of days.  Apparently the UK has the highest number of UK deaths in Europe, with Italty being the worst hit - and we are third highest in the world with the US being the highest - they are also a LOT bigger than us - so the UK has really suffered a lot.

In the news Dominic Raab warned the UK was at a "dangerous moment", saying that the peak of the virus had not passed.

In other news Boris Johnson and his fiancee had a baby boy, and it is reported that president Trump 'erupted' at his campaign manager because he is falling in the polls after his stupid comments about injecting disinfectant! What a tool....

Today hasn't been great to be honest.  Feeling down and emotional.  Struggled to get through the day - thinking about tomorrow and feeling anxious and nervous.  I tried to keep busy - I went with Mum to walk the dogs and then Helen went out with mum to get her to put petrol in the car herself as Dad normally does it and mum was stressing about it.  Helen also got her to drive to Joanne's, as she gets nervous driving places.  Apparently they had a bit of a chat through the window.  They also drove past the shop where my dad worked and saw a sign in the window....

I was so touched about this - I messaged Gordon and thanked him on behalf of all of us.  Although I knew my dad was greatly loved by a lot of people - I am still surprised about the amount of people that have done so many nice things and tributes.  My mum got a really nice letter of condolence from some Rugby League organisation - possibly the paper....apparently a well respected and well known figure in rugby league....

Anyway, when they got back home Helen and Mum bathed the dogs and I was vacuumed my mums car out - it was one of the jobs she wanted to get done.  We wrote a list of stuff we need to remember to take when we leave on Friday because our stuff is scattered around the house as we have been living here for two weeks now.  Then we ran out of things to do - so we watched Money Heist in the afternoon.  We then had tea - and then we sat around the table getting sad and upset again talking about my dad.  We realised that we do this often....always after tea around the table.  Me and Helen also realised that when mum goes off to do things - like have a shower - we always end up talking - more openly and get upset - then have to look busy and change the subject when she comes back.  It is so good having Helen here - we can be really honest about the emotions and feeling we have, whilst it is more difficult with mum because we don't want to upset her.

So after tea we watched Money Heist again!  It really felt that we were just trying to kill time before we could get to bed - and wake up - knowing it is time for the funeral.  Something we all know is going to be extremely hard.  We are all anxious about it and dreading it.  I really don't know how I am going to keep it together - I know I don't have to....I just don't want to get in a real massive state and not be able to control myself.

So, I'm going to get to sleep - and face saying goodbye to Dad tomorrow....

Back in my bunk bed

Monday
Total world cases: 3,058,059-------------------71,349  increase
Total fatalities:  211,308-------------------------4,685 increase
UK total: 157,149------------------------------- 4,309 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,092--------------------------- 360 increase

Tuesday
Total world cases: 3,122,833-------------------64,774  increase
Total fatalities:  216,479-------------------------5,171 increase
UK total: 161,145------------------------------- 3,996 increase
UK Fatalities: 21,678--------------------------- 586 increase

The numbers seem high again today.  That sucks ass!  In the news - there was a minutes silence today for the 100 key workers that have died.  How bad is that - end up dying because you were helping the sick.  There are lots of sad stories - today two brothers died on the same day, twins died days apart...just people dying and suffering and families grieving, day after day and all over the entire globe. 

Care homes are also in the news - apparently care home deaths account for a third of the coronavirus deaths.  There have been 3,096 according to one news report - which is not a third - so not sure why these reports are conflicting but there is no doubt that lots of care homes are having huge problems.

Germany who have kept their numbers low have seen an increase since allowing small businesses to re-open.  That's scary because an attempt at a little normality has led to more people dying.  Hope we don't do this too soon.

Anyway - today was mostly the same again - I didn't go for the dog walk - I cleaned the bathroom and chatted to Andy instead.  Then I did what I have been putting off and went into the garage to sort out my dads tools - I'm taking lots of things so they don't get thrown away at a later date, and because last time I visited my dad was trying to give away some of his tools to me, so I know he would want me to have them (as I do lots of DIY).  It was hard though, and felt wrong taking his things...he has been a joiner all of his life so his tools were a big part of what he did.  Last time I went into the garage and looked at the tools, and saw the window frame he made me I totally lost it - which is why I have been putting it off.  This time I just got on with the job and tried not to be sentimental. I have plenty of time for that when I get home.

Hilda, my mum and dads friend from dancing came around to see my mum - they were chatting - from a distance - outside the garage where I was and I really did not want to meet her or see her.  It is very likely that it was her that passed the virus to them.  Apparently she was going to cancel dancing (she runs it) just before the lock down, and my mum said she was over-reacting - so it went ahead and my mum and dad spent time with her.  The next day she informed them that she was ill and probably had the virus, then my mum came down with it - then my dad.....

My mum, however, said 'Sam, come and meet Hilda' and I had to be polite and say hello (part of being British) I know I am maybe being unreasonable because, they didn't understand the full extent and danger of the virus, nor did Hilda know that she was ill - but it just makes me think - if only they hadn't gone, if only they had been more fearful and careful.  I suppose there is no turning back time...

After my mums soup and dumplings - which me and Helen love - we sat in the living room for a while and then I went back to bed for an hour.  I was just bored and tired today...

After tea - I retreated to my little room and got online with Andy, Connor & Emily, Adam & Erika and Lissa & Antony - and Connor & Emily hosted a quiz!  It was great to get together with everybody and see all of their faces!!  I was rather worried about the quiz - as I was on my own and not with Andy, and I am awful at general knowledge, I didn't want to embarrass myself!  As it happens I won hahah I just got lucky really!  Connor and Emily did a great job preparing and delivering the quiz! (thank you if you are reading this!) and we plan on taking turns hosting the quiz!

I had a few nice messages from Emily today - I never know what to say though when people are sympathetic to my situation - I don't want to reply and say - yeah its all crap, and I don't want to say - don't worry its all good - because is it isn't!  She told me that she was reading my blog, so hopefully she'll understand!  Anybody reading this will probably have the best insight into the situation although I never know if I express myself well or not.  I'm obviously not a very good or eloquent writer, but that is not what this is all about.  To be honest I wish other people I know would write a blog - because I'd love to see in more detail what they are up to and how they are coping and what they think and feel.

So - tomorrow is the day before the funeral, and I think we are all going to be very aware of it, but we have nothing to prepare or do - we are not having any kind of get together afterwards and there will be just 10 of us there.  If I'm very honest - I am absolutely dreading seeing the coffin - I find it hard to even say/type/think about that word because it should not be something I associate with my dad.  Last time at a funeral, I was horrified at the end when the coffin went rolling out through the curtain - and you knew what was going to happen.  It seems unbearable that I'll have to see that - knowing it is my dad, my wonderful dad who doesn't deserve to be there and shouldn't be there, and is only there because of this stupid, annoying, cruel damn virus.  Well, that was morbid and depressing....

I need to get to sleep...