Slightly more productive day

Tuesday

Total world cases: 3,710,445-------------------  69,630 increase

Total fatalities:  256,994-------------------------5,178 increase

UK total: 194,990-------------------------------  4,406 increase

UK Fatalities: 29,427--------------------------- 693 increase

Wednesday

Total world cases: 3,807,554-------------------  97,109 increase

Total fatalities:  264,006-------------------------7,012 increase

UK total: 201,101-------------------------------  6,111 increase

UK Fatalities: 30,076--------------------------- 649 increase

So - as you can see we hit the 30,000 mark.  That is a massive amount of people.  Figures just keep going up and up....who knows where this will end, when it will end - if it will ever end.  

News - Bank of England warn of deep UK recession.  No shit Sherlock!  There is speculation that some lock down measures could be eased on Monday....really? because we are doing so well? I don't think so!  I guess some people just can't survive, pay the bills, buy food?  We live in fear of Andy losing his job, in fact his role has already gone and his team are gradually leaving and finding other roles - so the fear is finding a new job - and if it all goes wrong we would lose the house etc.  However, at the moment salaries are still being paid - so I guess we are lucky and would want the lock down measures to continue for our safety, but other people haven't been that lucky.  But - if the measures are reduced, more people WILL die...the government seem to simply be concerned about the NHS coping - not people losing actual lives.  It's tricky - because people are desperate to get some normality back, but a price will be paid until we get a vaccine...

Anyway - yesterday - Wednesday - I decided that I wasn't going to sit and do nothing all day like many days! So I went out into the nice weather and cut the grass.  It takes about an hour and a half as there is so much lawn area, I do about 11,000 steps - which is more than our 5km walks - closer to 10km.  So I guess it was exercise too.  However, there ends up a lot of thinking time, as walking up and down with a mower doesn't keep you mentally distracted - so I kept thinking about my dad which made me obviously very sad.  During this time, Andy was studying, for want of a better word, ready for an interview on Friday - he has been looking for another job but as you might imagine - not many people are hiring right now...  Once the mowing was done - and I got cleaned up - we went and sat in the garden with a beer and just chatted, chilled out.  We are both trying our best to keep our spirits up in the middle of the global catastrophe but it is not all that easy.  When the sun started to hide behind the house - we came indoors - made food and got ready to go online with Helen and Paul.  

It was about 7.30pm when we all got virtually together.  I started off asking Helen how she was - and she'd had a chat with a colleague who is a mental health something-or-other.  She mentioned post traumatic stress disorder - and I asked if she thought she had that (which wouldn't surprise me because what we went through in Manchester with Dad was pretty horrendous).  But she said no - PTSD is something that appears at a later date when you haven't processed something - whereas she is struggling mentally now - she then had to go off screen for a minute because she got upset.  I really felt for her - because she is doing what I keep doing - breaking down, remembering, hurting - it's not good.  She pulled herself together and we all tried to change the subject - and started chatting about other stuff for a while - before playing a game.  Me and Helen won - jointly - so we had a tie-breaker - and I lost lol.  It had been a very nice distraction for a while - and I think I said it on Tuesday when we were online with the kids - it's the new way of getting together with people - and although its all online, it is the closest thing we have to social interaction.  It was quite late when we got off this call - so we watched something briefly on TV then got to bed.  

Walking and quiz night

Monday

Total world cases: 3,640,815-------------------  82,266 increase

Total fatalities:  251,816------------------------- 4,212 increase

UK total: 190,584-------------------------------  3,985 increase

UK Fatalities: 28,734--------------------------- 288 increase

Tuesday

Total world cases: 3,710,445-------------------  69,630 increase

Total fatalities:  256,994-------------------------5,178 increase

UK total: 194,990-------------------------------  4,406 increase

UK Fatalities: 29,427--------------------------- 693 increase

Bloody 693 again - every time, I think we are going to continue to see downward figures in the UK's death rate - they go back up again.  This time - it makes us the worst hit Country in Europe and now the only country ahead of us is the USA.  The next headlines, either today or tomorrow will be that we have hit 30,000 (today being Wednesday - as I am behind because I am writing the figures a day behind atm because unlike when I was at my mums, I am not updating this blog before I go to sleep, but rather the next morning.

So, yesterday me and Andy went out for a walk and this time we did my old 10km running route - don't think we passed even one other person which was good - we go 4km along a main road and the rest of the way is down country lanes.  It was raining, which was nice and cooling - and the last 2-3km were fairly tough as my hips and feet were aching....but it was good to be out - and was good to feel like we were getting exercise.  Apparently Andy burnt over 1000 calories - and me just under 600.  That will explain why I put on 1lb - doesn't seem to matter what I do my weight just goes up and up.....  This was not the reason we were walking though - we need to get fitter and increase our chances of surviving if we catch the virus.  Especially Andy as about 70% of people dying from the virus are men, are large proportion are overweight...  I saw that Andy (and me to some extent) found parts of the walk tough because it goes steeply upwards - but I wanted to get our heart rate up, so we set a fair pace too...

The first pic is where we turn off the main road - and the second is half way up a big hill - so we are both looking knackered!

I got a nice shower when we got back - and Andy had to do some work...

Later we watched a bit of a new series called Into the Night - and I was chatting with Helen online - she has struggled again today - as have I to a smaller extent - I ended up not in the mood at all for our quiz night with the kids - however - I ended up really enjoying it again - it is just so good to get together with other people.  

So the top one is everybody looking quite normal - then Connor was doing his - penis thumb!! which was very funny! and the last one - Adam is doing a weird thing with his face!!!  So - yeah we're all pretty normal people.....??

Me and Andy won the quiz lol....only just, they were tough competition!!  Lissa and Antony were the quiz masters tonight!  Adam and Erika are hosting next week and us the week after!  I think that tonight we are getting together with Helen and Paul - and sometime soon we will get online with Yvonne and Stuart.  Its the new 'normal' was of getting together with people.  

Lissa has just 3 weeks until her due date - so if they only allow her to go 2 weeks over - the baby will definitely be with us sometime in the next 5 weeks!  Exciting and scary - scary because of what she will have to go through to have the baby!  Something, I should have been there for - another crap reminder of how this virus has changed so many things.  Then - we won't be able to actually go and see her or the baby - think I've mentioned this quite a few times already, but its just so crap!  Once I am back at work - I might have too much exposure to go and see her even when the lock down starts to ease - I couldn't risk passing anything to them!  

Anyway - today is Wednesday - I only have a few precious days left before I have to go back to work - something I am not looking forward to, but at the same time, I just want to get a little normal in my life - if you can call this normal as I haven't been out to work for a few years now...and....well actually it will be nothing like 'normal' will it....

Lock down day 100,135....or so it feels

Sunday
Total world cases: 3,554,549-------------------  88,884 increase
Total fatalities:  247,604------------------------- 3,857 increase
UK total: 186,599-------------------------------  4,339 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,446--------------------------- 315 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 3,640,815-------------------  82,266 increase
Total fatalities:  251,816------------------------- 4,212 increase
UK total: 190,584-------------------------------  3,985 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,734--------------------------- 288 increase

So - its Tuesday today - but I didn't update the figures last night - look how the UK fatalities have reduced, I hope it is even lower today!  It is great news - not for the people that still died however, but great for the people still alive that could have been just another number if we hadn't locked down.  The news is always discussing when the lock down will be lifted, and I understand people want to get back to normal - or as normal as it can be, but come on people!!  Don't rush - lets continue to save lives and not go out until it is really safe!!  

I am trying to type one-handed, as one of my cats - mercky is paddy-pawing my arm and licking me as she has done since she was a kitten.  My arms always look a little shredded but its so sweet...

Anyway in the news yesterday the Nightingale Hospital in London - built in the excel centre to take 4,000 patients has stepped down as it is not needed anymore.  I don't think it was ever even a quarter full - they built it all but didn't have the staff to manage it!  But it is great news that its not full of people!  I'm not sure how they predicted we'd need it - we ended up one of the worse hit countries and yet didn't really need it.  I believe this is because they managed to free up so many beds in hospitals.  The doctor staying with us in our annex told me that the hospital is really really quiet because they don't have many covid patients, and there are no visitors allowed in the hospital.  So far from being over run it is eerily quiet.  We are no way near over this nightmare however - and there is fear of a 2nd wave once we all emerge from our houses....

The news is boring - same old stuff....companies losing business (new car sales down 97%), articles about what to expect at work when the lock down is eased (all of a sudden we won't need 2 metres distance between us, suddenly a metre is fine!), there is to be a trial of a tracing/tracking app on the Isle of Wright (to see if you have been in contact with infected people)...who died of the virus that we might know (keyboard player from the Strangles), midwives still delivering babies in the middle of the chaos (the token good news story).....Countries doing well....countries doing badly....predictions....guesses....

So....yesterday - we organised our food and meal plan as we always have to make our shopping last us until the next one....we seems to be saving money as we are not wasting food like we might normally do.  We went for a walk - we did a 5km route that I used to run.  Took a few pics...

It felt today that Andy was feeling low - not surprising considering that we are in the middle of a pandemic, his job is not secure, we can't leave the house or go anywhere other than the walk, we've suffered a bereavement - the world as we knew it has gone, hopefully temporary but who knows what the new normal will be like - it all sucks really.  I kept having low moments too - suddenly thinking about not seeing my dad again...

Groundhog days....the highlight of our day being.....can't think of anything....well...yesterday was saving a mouse from the cats and it looking undamaged (unlike the dead one we found earlier in the day).  We got to the end of Money Heist....that has kept me occupied in the evenings for a couple of weeks.  Have to d=find something else now.  There are other things I could be doing - getting my sowing machine out and making masks, painting in the attic, cleaning....but I am not doing any of these things.  Lost all motivation - for quite a while now!  Not sure how to make this better - when I force myself to do things and not sit around like this....

in my PJ's, unbrushed hair.......I don't seem to get any pleasure from it and it feels like so much effort.

Tonight we are having another quiz night with the kids - that should be good.....sorry - I'm obviously not feeling in a great place right now.....

 

Saturday/Sunday

Friday
Total world cases: 3,388,235-------------------  84,645 increase
Total fatalities:  238,935------------------------- 5,226 increase
UK total: 177,454-------------------------------  6,201 increase
UK Fatalities: 27,510--------------------------- 739 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 3,465,665------------------- 77,430  increase
Total fatalities:  243,747------------------------- 4,812 increase
UK total: 182,260-------------------------------  4,806 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,131--------------------------- 621 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 3,554,549-------------------  88,884 increase
Total fatalities:  247,604------------------------- 3,857 increase
UK total: 186,599-------------------------------  4,339 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,446--------------------------- 315 increase

The UK is almost at 30,000 deaths - and to think we were horrified when the Government mentioned a figure of 20,000 at the beginning of all this.  There is a lot of discussion about why the UK is one of the highest hit countries in the world.  Only the US and Italy are ahead of us - and Italy is barely ahead...  If we had locked down a week earlier = not only would we have saved lots of people - but we almost certainly have not lost my Dad.  That is tough to accept.  However, hindsight is a wonderful thing - I have to tell myself that our Government did the very best they could in unprecedented circumstances. 

Three days ago President Trump said that he had seen evidence that the virus has originated from a Wuhan lab - and yesterday Pompeo (the secretary of State in the US) also said that he thought that the virus was made made in a Wuhan lab.  This has been my thinking all along, and I wrote a long post about it on 14th April 2020 - but obviously I don't know the truth.  If it is true then it is tragic - tragic to think this could all have been avoided and human error (or even human intent) caused all of this chaos and destruction.  Who knows what will happen if it is proven - war with China? This would be catastrophic....

 Anyway - this weekend - Saturday me and Andy went out for a walk.  I have been concerned about Andy not having left the house for 6 weeks - and was a little concerned that it might turn into a really unhealthy, almost phobia....he would disagree - he is just being sensible and following advice and understandably he is concerned about catching the virus as it could be a death sentence.  So - we went out to a local area, Netherclay - which is a few acres of greenery, paths....and the sun was out and it was nice - for both of us.  Mega paranoid when coming across other people, but everybody was staying away from everybody else.

Later that evening, we were having a few drinks - we ordered pizza - and at some point I started talking about my dad - and I opened the dam.  I properly cried, about the loss, the injustice, the suffering he endured, the unfairness...I allowed myself to really feel it.  Andy was great - let me just cry whilst being supportive...I eventually calmed down.  I think I needed to do that - but unfortunately having done it - doesn't make all those feeling go away.

Sunday - I got up early yet again - I am still not getting a good and full nights sleep.  I just, well did nothing really - until Andy got up - and then we made some food - some very yummy scrambled egg and sausage bagels, and then we got ready and went out for a walk again.  This time we walked further to another area - Longmead - where I used to do a 5km park run.  It was really nice to get out - feel like we were getting some exercise even though we were only walking.  We were out over an hour - walked around 5km, and on the way back bought a butternut squash plant and a sweet pepper plant from somebody who had just left them outside their house with prices on.  This isn't a new thing that this person is doing - I noticed last year that they were selling pumpkins and other things.

When we got home - I video called my mum and we chatted for quite a while - she is doing okay - keeping busy.  She has made some face masks - and because I came back with material to do the same I expect she will nag me until I make some too!  I then went and had a bath....something I have been longing to do for ages.  I ended up just sat there though feeling quite depressed....

We didn't really eat a meal - we snacked on nuts and snacks and sweets....not great.  I need to get a routine going, start cleaning, washing, making proper meals...

Coming Home

We got up Friday morning and started packing straight away - stripping the beds, putting bedding and towels in the wash - bringing our stuff down stairs....getting ready to go back home after just over two weeks.  That feels like a lie - it felt much much longer that we had been away.  What a journey - travelling through the night, then going to the hospital - knowing Dad wasn't going to survive - then experiencing him leaving us - the loss, the emotions, the preparation for the funeral - each day so similar to the one before...and then the funeral.  A period of time that we will never forget.  My, mum and Helen were so close - over the last two weeks - all supporting each other, living through it together.  It was hard to leave.  Even though I couldn't wait to get home it was awful knowing that we were leaving mum on her own for the first time since Dad had died.  She had already told us that she was dreading it but didn't want to get upset because she didn't want us to feel bad - and she managed to be okay (outwardly) right up until I asked her if her spare keys were in the right place, and she couldn't find them.  I got back out of the car - we found them....I got back into the car - and then she burst into tears.  Phew, that was hard...but we had to drive away...

An hour into our drive we called her - but there was no answer.  We tried again about an hour later and she answered sounding much happier - she had been on the phone all that time to various people and I think that helped her loads.  She was back in fairly good spirits.  Before we had left Joanne had called and they had arranged that she go around like she used to on Monday night for tea - we were so pleased about that - a little bit of normality.  They discussed how they thought it was safe due to everybody isolating, but when we spoke to her from the car - Chris had said no - that mum had to isolate for another two weeks as he thought that the officiate and Steve Lawrence had got too close to her at the funeral.  So that was crap.

The journey went quickly as we were talking none stop - and then I was home - it was about 3pm!  A massive hug from Andy felt amazing - he was sweating as he'd been cleaning to get it all nice for me! Nothing like leaving it until the last minute! It was so weird coming into the house - it looked so big! It honestly truly felt like I had been away for months!! I came into the kitchen/living room - thinking - wow - this place is huge!! lol.  None of the cats bothered to turn up and greet me!  We unpacked the car - Helen nipped to the loo - and then she left, on the last leg of her journey.  We hugged when she left and I thought about what we'd been through together and I felt emotional and very grateful to her - for everything we had shared together.  We had been each others support and got each other through it all - we'd cried - and laughed together, talked through so many things...

I didn't really know what to do with myself once Helen had gone - I had quite a few cuddles with Andy - felt emotional about everything...  We went for a walk around the garden - which again made me feel like I'd been gone for ages - it had grown so much!  Then....I had a gin with actual tonic lol - at mums we had run out of tonic and drank gin and coke! Not that we drank much to be honest.  I got changed - threw myself on my massive bed! and just walked around thinking how nice it was to be back.  It was still bitter sweet though - my dad had been alive when I'd left.  I tried to talk to Andy about some of the things we'd experienced but kept getting upset and not being able to talk - so I left it.  Andy had his own struggles - being all on his own, grieving too and obviously just struggling with the idea of this virus tearing the world apart...

We eventually settled down and watched a film - the cats appeared and I got cuddles - and we ordered Chinese....it got to 10pm and I was falling asleep!  I was also looking forward to getting into my own bed...I was in bed before Helen apparently lol - unheard of before all this....

I must of fallen asleep straight away as I only remember laying down and thinking ooohhhh this is nice.  However, the cats did wake me up when they lay against me and then decided it was bath time....

Covid-19 figures and reflection

Here are the figures from the past few days:

Wednesday
Total world cases: 3,207,514-------------------84,681  increase
Total fatalities:  227,198-------------------------10,719 increase
UK total: 165,221------------------------------- 4,076 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,097--------------------------- 4,419 increase (765 today)

Thursday
Total world cases: 3,303,590-------------------96,076 increase
Total fatalities:  233,709-------------------------6,511 increase
UK total: 171,253-------------------------------  6,032 increase
UK Fatalities: 26,771--------------------------- 674 increase

Friday
Total world cases: 3,388,235-------------------  84,645 increase
Total fatalities:  238,935------------------------- 5,226 increase
UK total: 177,454-------------------------------  6,201 increase
UK Fatalities: 27,510--------------------------- 739 increase

So - looking at the figures - the UK are still getting around 700 deaths a day.  We are not seeing a daily decrease - it doesn't really matter whether the government are saying we are still in the peak, or we are over the peak or whatever - it is consistently high when you look at the figures.  Although....before we only had the hospital figures and I'm not sure, but this might now include other figures from care homes.  Either way - so many people are dying of this horrendous virus. 

It still hurts to know that my dad is amongst these fatalities, and I just hope that my family does not suffer any further loses.  I haven't seen anybody else in all my friends on facebook, that have lost somebody to the virus - but obviously 27,510 families around the UK have, and at least a quarter of a million families around the world have too.  The UK remains one of the highest hit countries with only the US and Italy exceeding our losses. 

It is still really difficult to process - despite this having been going on for quite some time now.  Our lock down began on 23rd March and it is now 2nd May - so nearly 6 weeks.  That seems like no time at all in the grand scale of things - but it seems like so much longer than that.  Some people must be really struggling, especially people on their own.  Each person has their own struggle, whether it be coping with isolation, coping with kids and home schooling, trying to get shopping and food...domestic violence is sky high...boredom - and fear, and in some cases grief from losing a loved one  I know a few people who are convinced that they won't survive if they get it, and at the same time we are being told that a vaccine won't be available for at least a year.  It really does feel like the world has we know it has irreversibly changed, actually it is not just a feeling, it really has.  At the moment we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Even once we get a vaccine, the economy is so messed up - so many businesses and livelihoods have been eradicated.  Other things are impossible too - dental treatment, haircuts, eye tests - and more serious things such as cancer treatments being cancelled, and people not going to the doctors or A&E for fear of catching the virus. 

Who would have thought that this would happen?? well....a few people like Bill Gates maybe....but it is all like a bad movie (or a good one if it was all fictional).

Personally - I look back to the day I was driving to work crying, and turned back and came home - only my second day in work and I had a mini break down  - I look back and think, wow, I really did lose it!  I was in such a bad place.  Now, my dad has lost his battle with the virus, I realise that, that was the biggest thing stressing me out, even though I really thought he would be okay.  I suppose there was always the possibility that he wouldn't be okay.  Now, I am in a different place...where my only worries are for the rest of my family, myself....of losing Andy....all of us at this moment in time are healthy but who knows? My daughter Lissa is due a baby in 4 weeks - I was supposed to be there with her and now she can only have her partner there for a limited amount of time and nobody will be able to visit and see her tiny newborn baby and who knows how old the baby will be when we get to see her.  As long as they are all safe I suppose it is not so important but it is relative.  It is only natural for families to come together at times like this and it is painful not being able to do these things.  My son is due twins just weeks afterwards and again - this will be the same I expect, as social distancing is to remain in place for a long time yet!  They are having twins and will have to try and manage with no outside help.  What a mess.

Saying goodbye to my dad....

Today we all woke up extra early - before 7am.  We met as usual around the dining table, and had a brew and we were all anxious - discussing what we needed to do.  I got a shower - and then we were ready to take dogs out and stuff and realised it was only 8am...

We hung around - all of us with different things going around our heads.  I felt fairly unemotional - but full of adrenaline....we had until 12.30pm before the car turned up - all we had to do was get changed, grab the picture of my dad and put out coats on - so there was nothing else to do to prepare.

Mum and Helen went out with the dogs and I made a curry and put it in the slow cooker so food was sorted for later.  I spoke to Andy which was nice and comforting.  I just felt sort of numb - no crying, it was weird.

When they got back - I'd finished and Helen said - lets just go watch TV - but we started talking about wearing masks in public and maybe making them - and then we ended up looking up patterns and printing out instructions - and finding material to take home so we could make them....that distracted us for a while.  At 11.30am we started to get changed and ready - and before we knew it, it was 12.15 and family members were turning up outside.  I went out and was chatting to Bev and Jo - at a distance....and other people were in the street and opposite - some dressed in black - obviously there to see Dad off.  It was weird.  Then I saw the car approach with the funeral director walking ahead of the car carrying a long cane...and I got upset.  I'd been dreading that sight.  It was weird because I felt that everybody was watching us...the neighbours and others that had turned up.  We all got upset at this point - because our dad was in there...

There was some discussion about the route - and then we got in the car, Helen driving me and mum - and Joanne and Chris, Bev and George, Andrew and Antony followed.  We could see the people lining the road....we drove very slowly all the way there - it was a part of the day I had given no consideration to...we drove to the top of mums road and turned right - and more people there....people on their doorsteps had obviously been waiting to see us go past - in black.  We got to where my dad worked (where they had put a sign in the window - we saw yesterday) and quite a number of people were stood there too...it was very emotional.  I was so proud of dad - look at all these people who thought so much of you!!  The nice weather had gone really and it was a bit rainy, which felt appropriate.

We got there - and my Dads best friend Steve Lawrence was there - was good to see him.  We all waited outside for a little while - the funeral director was speaking to Mum - commenting on the amount of people lining the streets.  The Officiate who was speaking at the funeral - taking the service - introduced himself - he had communicated with Helen and it was he, who Helen had sent the eulogy to. He had realised that he also knew my dad! Typical! He knew everybody!!

Everybody there was upset that we had to stay apart - couldn't hug each other...  Then they got Dad out of the car and we followed him/them in, I don't think I watched that - didn't want to see the...coffin - god I hate that word!!   I tried my best to not even think of the fact that he was inside - just blocked that out really.  As we went in they played the Bet Middler song - Wind beneath my Wings - the main chorus is - Did you ever know that your my hero....that got me crying!!  I knew we were all thinking that he was indeed our hero! I just covered my face and didn't look at anybody else.  The place was pretty empty and alternate benches were taped off to keep people apart....me and Helen sat either side of mum at the front - which was good because I couldn't see other people getting upset which would have upset me more, at one point we both held mums hand and it felt good to be able to support her through it because she was struggling.

Then the officiate started talking...pretty soon he read out Helen's eulogy which she had put together using bits and pieces we had all mentioned to her - little things about the kind of person he was and memories.  Some of this made people laugh instead of cry and it was really lovely.  I just listened and thought about that and not about...well....the tragedy of it all.  Then Steve got up and spoke - he said some lovely things and also made us laugh - mostly about how my dad failed in learning french, and how he managed on their rugby trips to France - but always manage to be understood.   Steve broke down at the end and that was upsetting.  I was so grateful to him for getting up and saying such nice things - even though he was obviously heart broken.  My brother Andrew got up next and he also made people laugh a little - the french things were mentioned again!  It was obvious that Andrew struggled a little emotionally to get through it, but bless him, he did it and I was so proud of him - my dad would have been very proud too.  It wasn't as heart breaking and as sad as I thought it would be because the focus was on Dads sense of humour and our memories which were mainly of fun things - not all doom and gloom and sad hymns.  A poem was read out that Bev had suggested - that was upsetting...

After the poem they played the song my dad wanted at the funeral - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...a comedy song.  It made me smile - and I just looked down and listened - and I missed the curtain close so we could no longer see Dad which is probably a good thing - his photo (above) was on the...coffin - god never realised that word is so awful!!!

Then we left - staying apart which is so damn unnatural at a funeral!  We were given the flowers from the top of his....from in the car!! and we got the photo back - and we all stood around chatting a little about the absurdity of not being able to physically comfort each other - and then we went off to find my grandparents gravestone - my dads parents - to put the flowers on.  We found it - quite far away - and discussed how WRONG it was that they both outlived him - when dad was so much healthier, and fitter, and more active than they were.  My grandad died just before his 80th and my nan died at 84.  They were also amazing lovely people.  This coronavirus robbed us of him and it feels so unfair.  We all took one of the red roses from the flowers...and eventually said our goodbyes...for now.

We made our way back to the car - I was chatting to Andrew - the others went the opposite way as they had driven down to our grandparents graveside...and then we came home.

All over so quickly.  I was not the emotional mess I thought I was going to be - and I don't know why really...

When we got back I thought - sod it - and I got my dads whiskey and poured a glass - Mum and Helen then joined me with a brandy - and we raised a glass to my Dad.  I had a few more of these and felt quite squiffy!  We spent some time replying to messages on our phones and I messaged Andy - Helen spoke to Paul - we discussed how it had all gone....

Later we ate - and then plonked ourselves in front of the TV and watched the last of series 2 of the Money Heist.  Again, it was just a distraction for us all - I just wanted the time to go - and get to bed - have this day over with.  When it got to bed time Mum was quite quiet and sad and I know she is dreading us leaving tomorrow.  The house will be so quiet and I am worried about her, it will probably hit her properly when we have gone because she has not been alone since the day before he died....

I don't need to say it all again, but I am going to anyway...I'm going to miss my dad so much! Its not fair what happened to him...he tried so hard to fight it, and he should have won that fight because its so wrong, so wrong!! I'm so sorry Dad!!  It must have been awful and scary - and I'm so so sorry.  I love you so much xxxxx