I'm heartbroken.
After hearing last night that treatment is now futile...and going to pieces. We all (my siblings and I) got to speak to Dad via video messenger. It was truly awful He couldn't breathe - and had a huge mask on and we struggled to hear each other. Helen then said she was going to drive to Manchester to be with mum - so I said I'd go too. It was nearly 1am when Helen picked me up and 4.30am when we got to my mums. It was a long drive but we were surprisingly awake - probably because of the adrenaline going around our system. My mum has been alone without my dad for 3 weeks now - so it was really the first proper human contact she has has and we hugged for quite a while which felt really good. Me and Helen had discussed in the car on the way, if we should have any contact with mum as she had the virus and so had dad - but decided that enough time had passed, and if we were going to get it - not hugging wouldn't make a difference because the house would be contaminated anyway.
We got to bed and were up again at 7.30am, so about 3 hours sleep. We were hopeful when we got up because we had not heard anything from the hospital through the night. We took the dogs for a walk on the park, and got a call from the hospital whilst we were there - it was no good, there had been no improvement, only decline and he wasn't going to survive. They said one person could visit him for an hour. They were going to sedate him and the take the mask off - withdrawing all treatment. We were all a state really - trying to keep it together, but I was shaking, and trying to comfort mum. We came home (to my mums house) - and shaking and nervous and upset we threw some things together and headed to the hospital. We were telling mum that she could do this, and she was saying she couldn't do it!, it was awful beyond belief Me and Helen were not allowed in to see Dad because of all the rules surrounding the virus, so my mum had to do it on her own. So we got to the hospital, found where we needed to go and we were met my a couple of nurses who explained that mum would have to get all the protective equipment on (despite the fact that she had already had the virus) then Mum went in to see dad and me and Helen sat in a family room - in disbelief that it had come to this. Mum video called us from the room and we surprised to see dad awake and alert - struggling with a huge mask on - it was difficult to talk but we told him we loved him - and he said he had to get better to fix my window - which was planned to be done soon. How we had that conversation and kept it together I don't know - but we had to for Dad's sake. We were trying to act like he was going to be okay as we didn't want to scare him anymore than he already was.
Me and Helen then sat in that family room - worrying - about dad struggling, mum coping - our own imminent loss....
Mum came back upset - saying she managed to have a 'love and a cuddle' Dad had said that he feared the worse and told her to keep going to the dancing, and swimming - seeing their friends, they had held hands, and had blown each other a kiss as they parted. A Dr then spoke to mum and Helen - only two of us could go. He said that they would increase his medication to make him comfortable and remove his mask. We asked that they don't remove the mask until he was sleeping - for fear of him panicking. Helen, questioned whether there was ANYTHING they could do or try - maybe the ventilator, even if his chances were low - but no....
We came home - obviously all of us very upset. We had some food and sat in the living room and just chatted - or were quiet - each of us getting upset at various times. Then we called the hospital again around 8pm and the nurse said that two of us could go and sit with him - the total opposite to what we had been told earlier - as they'd be a high chance of us catching he virus. We then entered into a big debate - we were told that he was now comfortable, unaware, sleeping peacefully and he would not be aware that we were there. BUT the thought of him being alone - Mum didn't want to go because she'd already been with him earlier and I think it was too hard for her. Me and Helen really wanted to go - but the concern over the virus was the issue - especially if Dad wouldn't be aware of our presence. Andy was messaging me - he didn't want me to risk my life - didn't want to lose me in this awful way. Helen was looking up the death rates for people our age - she was pushing to go - I was being more cautious - and then - the hospital called to say he had passed away.
It was awful and a slight relief that he didn't have to suffer all night. It had been inevitable by this point - so better for him that it was quicker - but oh my god. My Dad. I WANT HIM BACK, This is not fair - it wasn't his time - he has been stolen from us! I sit here now in bed writing this with tears that just keep coming. "Come ere our Sami" (for a hug) I can hear it. I want to hear it again. My mum - oh god....hearing her sob, saying she can't live without him will stay with me.... How will she manage without him?? Losing my Dad is bad enough - but your partner in life - 50 years together...
We had to tell the family group on messenger - knowing that each and every family member would be devastated - each of us mourning such a massive loss.
My kids were all upset and messaging me - worried about me - sending their love and suffering their own loss too.
Me, Mum and Helen spent the next hour and a half - crying, then in silence, then in discussion - and crying again - until we all went to bed exhausted - probably needing our own alone time.
I'm having a quick chat with my sister Bev - struggling like us all. Discussing how my Dad was (and I am HATING using past tense) loved by everybody - everyone loved my dad - never a bad word was said about him. Talking about the unfairness, the cruelty - the anger.
I need to sleep. Goodnight Dad - I love you so much.
