Today we all woke up extra early - before 7am. We met as usual around the dining table, and had a brew and we were all anxious - discussing what we needed to do. I got a shower - and then we were ready to take dogs out and stuff and realised it was only 8am...
We hung around - all of us with different things going around our heads. I felt fairly unemotional - but full of adrenaline....we had until 12.30pm before the car turned up - all we had to do was get changed, grab the picture of my dad and put out coats on - so there was nothing else to do to prepare.
Mum and Helen went out with the dogs and I made a curry and put it in the slow cooker so food was sorted for later. I spoke to Andy which was nice and comforting. I just felt sort of numb - no crying, it was weird.
When they got back - I'd finished and Helen said - lets just go watch TV - but we started talking about wearing masks in public and maybe making them - and then we ended up looking up patterns and printing out instructions - and finding material to take home so we could make them....that distracted us for a while. At 11.30am we started to get changed and ready - and before we knew it, it was 12.15 and family members were turning up outside. I went out and was chatting to Bev and Jo - at a distance....and other people were in the street and opposite - some dressed in black - obviously there to see Dad off. It was weird. Then I saw the car approach with the funeral director walking ahead of the car carrying a long cane...and I got upset. I'd been dreading that sight. It was weird because I felt that everybody was watching us...the neighbours and others that had turned up. We all got upset at this point - because our dad was in there...
There was some discussion about the route - and then we got in the car, Helen driving me and mum - and Joanne and Chris, Bev and George, Andrew and Antony followed. We could see the people lining the road....we drove very slowly all the way there - it was a part of the day I had given no consideration to...we drove to the top of mums road and turned right - and more people there....people on their doorsteps had obviously been waiting to see us go past - in black. We got to where my dad worked (where they had put a sign in the window - we saw yesterday) and quite a number of people were stood there too...it was very emotional. I was so proud of dad - look at all these people who thought so much of you!! The nice weather had gone really and it was a bit rainy, which felt appropriate.
We got there - and my Dads best friend Steve Lawrence was there - was good to see him. We all waited outside for a little while - the funeral director was speaking to Mum - commenting on the amount of people lining the streets. The Officiate who was speaking at the funeral - taking the service - introduced himself - he had communicated with Helen and it was he, who Helen had sent the eulogy to. He had realised that he also knew my dad! Typical! He knew everybody!!
Everybody there was upset that we had to stay apart - couldn't hug each other... Then they got Dad out of the car and we followed him/them in, I don't think I watched that - didn't want to see the...coffin - god I hate that word!! I tried my best to not even think of the fact that he was inside - just blocked that out really. As we went in they played the Bet Middler song - Wind beneath my Wings - the main chorus is - Did you ever know that your my hero....that got me crying!! I knew we were all thinking that he was indeed our hero! I just covered my face and didn't look at anybody else. The place was pretty empty and alternate benches were taped off to keep people apart....me and Helen sat either side of mum at the front - which was good because I couldn't see other people getting upset which would have upset me more, at one point we both held mums hand and it felt good to be able to support her through it because she was struggling.
Then the officiate started talking...pretty soon he read out Helen's eulogy which she had put together using bits and pieces we had all mentioned to her - little things about the kind of person he was and memories. Some of this made people laugh instead of cry and it was really lovely. I just listened and thought about that and not about...well....the tragedy of it all. Then Steve got up and spoke - he said some lovely things and also made us laugh - mostly about how my dad failed in learning french, and how he managed on their rugby trips to France - but always manage to be understood. Steve broke down at the end and that was upsetting. I was so grateful to him for getting up and saying such nice things - even though he was obviously heart broken. My brother Andrew got up next and he also made people laugh a little - the french things were mentioned again! It was obvious that Andrew struggled a little emotionally to get through it, but bless him, he did it and I was so proud of him - my dad would have been very proud too. It wasn't as heart breaking and as sad as I thought it would be because the focus was on Dads sense of humour and our memories which were mainly of fun things - not all doom and gloom and sad hymns. A poem was read out that Bev had suggested - that was upsetting...
After the poem they played the song my dad wanted at the funeral - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...a comedy song. It made me smile - and I just looked down and listened - and I missed the curtain close so we could no longer see Dad which is probably a good thing - his photo (above) was on the...coffin - god never realised that word is so awful!!!
Then we left - staying apart which is so damn unnatural at a funeral! We were given the flowers from the top of his....from in the car!! and we got the photo back - and we all stood around chatting a little about the absurdity of not being able to physically comfort each other - and then we went off to find my grandparents gravestone - my dads parents - to put the flowers on. We found it - quite far away - and discussed how WRONG it was that they both outlived him - when dad was so much healthier, and fitter, and more active than they were. My grandad died just before his 80th and my nan died at 84. They were also amazing lovely people. This coronavirus robbed us of him and it feels so unfair. We all took one of the red roses from the flowers...and eventually said our goodbyes...for now.
We made our way back to the car - I was chatting to Andrew - the others went the opposite way as they had driven down to our grandparents graveside...and then we came home.
All over so quickly. I was not the emotional mess I thought I was going to be - and I don't know why really...
When we got back I thought - sod it - and I got my dads whiskey and poured a glass - Mum and Helen then joined me with a brandy - and we raised a glass to my Dad. I had a few more of these and felt quite squiffy! We spent some time replying to messages on our phones and I messaged Andy - Helen spoke to Paul - we discussed how it had all gone....
Later we ate - and then plonked ourselves in front of the TV and watched the last of series 2 of the Money Heist. Again, it was just a distraction for us all - I just wanted the time to go - and get to bed - have this day over with. When it got to bed time Mum was quite quiet and sad and I know she is dreading us leaving tomorrow. The house will be so quiet and I am worried about her, it will probably hit her properly when we have gone because she has not been alone since the day before he died....
I don't need to say it all again, but I am going to anyway...I'm going to miss my dad so much! Its not fair what happened to him...he tried so hard to fight it, and he should have won that fight because its so wrong, so wrong!! I'm so sorry Dad!! It must have been awful and scary - and I'm so so sorry. I love you so much xxxxx
