Monday, 11 May 2020

Staff Nurse Poem - Covid-19. Getting to the heart of it.







I came across this on social media this morning - and had read it before giving myself the chance to decide not to - if that makes sense.  This made me properly sob, because it totally describes the situation we were in with my Dad, and this gets right to the heart of what so many families have experienced.   This is the reason that the clapping for the NHS every Thursday evening, makes me cry.  I keep glancing at the some of the words and can feel myself get upset again - for now, I can't read it again because it is too close to home.  If you are reading my blog and haven't experienced the loss of a loved one due to the coronavirus - then this is as close to summing it up as it gets.



poem, covid-19, coronavirus, heart breaking, touching, truth

Lazy...Lazy....Laziness (me)...and Boris Johnson


Saturday
Total world cases: 4,097,044-------------------89,752 increase
Total fatalities:  280,131------------------------4,394 increase
UK total: 215,260------------------------------- 3,896 increase
UK Fatalities: 31,547--------------------------- 306 increase

Sunday
Total world cases: 4,176,512-------------------79,468 increase
Total fatalities:  283,634------------------------3,503 increase
UK total: 219,183------------------------------- 3,923 increase
UK Fatalities: 31,855--------------------------- 308 increase

Two days with lower figures for the UK - but they keep telling us that it goes down at the weekend because it is not being reported fully.

Today's news was all about the impending Boris Johnson press release at 7pm.  So I'll just jump to what was said...

It was almost 2 months since we gave up our freedom - we have had hardships but it has been the only way to beat the virus.  The death toll and suffering has been immense, but we did prevent a complete catastrophe - and now the death rates are coming down and admissions into hospitals are coming down, but we must continue to control the virus and save lives.  We are all fearful of the virus and also fearful for our future and livelihoods.  
He said he wanted to provide a rough sketch of how we are going to get back from this - what we could do - it is a conditional plan because we can't move forward unless we can protect NHS, see sustained falls in the death rates, and the rate of infection - get enough PPE to the people who need it - and we need to make sure that any measure we take does not push the R back up over 1.  To chart our progress we are establishing a new covid alert level - the lower the level the fewer the measures we will need to take - the higher the level, the stricter we need to be.  Level 1 =  the virus is no longer present in the UK - level 5 - what it would have been if NHS was overrun.  We are in level 4 - but we are starting to move into level 3.  
To keep pushing it down we need to reduce number of deaths in care homes, and we need testing for 100,000 every day - have made progress but need more.  Initially we hadn't seen this disease before with everyday we learn more.  Our new system will be able to detect local flare-ups as well as giving an overall picture.  We are only just below R=1.  This is not the time to simply end the lock down - we are going to carefully modify it.  
Work from home if you can and only go to work if you must.  People who can't work at home should get back to work if you can but avoid public transport - use a car, walk or cycle.  Workplaces are going to be given new guidelines to follow to keep people safe.  From Wednesday - people should be encouraged to take more exercise, can drive to places and not be limited to an hour.  But keep social distancing.
If we begin to fulfil the conditions and bring R number down we can move to step 2 - probably beginning of June - some shops could open again and some children can go back to school.  But this is dependent on the R number going down.  Step three - by July at the earliest - hoping to re-open some hospitality places.  We are not going to be driven by hope, but by science and data - so all changes are dependent on how well we do.
Soon - we will be imposing quarantine people coming into the UK by air.  
We are going to be monitoring progress and if there are any problems, we will but on the brakes.  We have a plan, to save lives and restore livelihoods - but we all must make it work.  If we cannot achieve these changes by theses dates we will delay it.  

For now - stay alert, control the virus and save lives.

So - that was what was said.  Then lots of people on social media criticised him for one reason or another, saying he was not clear enough, saying - things like...."The poor should be encouraged to go to work" "PM's lock down release leaves Britain confused and divided" that Boris had said "I'm not sure, we'll see" Matt Lucas - did an impression - Go to work, don't go to work, stay at home, but go to work....that kind of thing.  All of this nonsensical chatter annoys the hell out of me!  It was very clear to me what Boris Johnson said, so why people are taking the piss as though it wasn't....people just want to complain.  Boris was saying - how can we just lift the lock down when the virus is still out there! He was saying - when it starts to go away and be under control then we can lift things gradually, keeping an eye on it at the same time and adjusting accordingly.  Makes sense to me!

We are still in the middle of a huge pandemic and people can't simply be impatient to get back to normal, because it is just not going to happen.  It can't happen or our death rates will rocket back up again and we will be back at square one.  I am not all knowing, all-seeing - I am only taking what ever information I can from the news and by following Dr John Campbell (who does daily chats on youtube) but it is obvious to me that we need to continue to stay in until it is safe to come out, and if we have to come out (for work or whatever) then we must stay apart and not let it spread.  Simple!  Boris Johnson (and a huge amount of advisers) can only make decisions based on numbers and science.

Anyway - I think he is going to be saying more today and taking questions - so I'm sure he'll get slagged off all over again for one thing or another.

After I watched this news release on TV last night I felt really emotional all over again.  Because whatever happens, I already lost my dad and nothing can change that, and lots of people have lost their own lives or people that they loved, and whatever we do now we can't bring those people back.  The whole topic is much more personal for people that have been irreversibly effected - it's not just some inconvenient drama playing out....

I don't really have anything to talk about concerning the rest of yesterday because I was unbelievably lazy.  We had yummy breakfast casserole, and we played on the VR - Arizona Sunshine - killing zombies!  We completed the game, so stopped playing at that point - and we watched TV, ate lots of unhealthy stuff like chocolate and did nothing else!!  

Today I have got up wondering why I seem to be on self-destruct and have been for ages - not getting exercise, eating healthy, being productive - I am getting more and more lazy and fat and I really don't like it but don't seem to have it in me to actually take any positive action - or when I do it doesn't last longer than a day and is halfhearted.  I never used to be like this - was always at the gym, watching what I was eating etc.  I used to feel really good about myself because I knew I had a healthy heart - that I could run if I wanted to - took pride in myself.  I keep telling myself that I will change when I go back to work....but will I? I'll have less time to myself....

I have today and tomorrow - then I am back at work again.  I need a plan.  





Sunday, 10 May 2020

Fun in our English Country Garden!

Thursday
Total world cases: 3,909,187-------------------101,633 increase
Total fatalities:  270,249-------------------------6,243 increase
UK total: 206,715-------------------------------  5,614 increase
UK Fatalities: 30,615--------------------------- 539 increase

Friday
Total world cases: 4,007,292-------------------98,105 increase
Total fatalities:  275,737------------------------5,022 increase
UK total: 211,364------------------------------- 4,649 increase
UK Fatalities: 31,241--------------------------- 626 increase

Saturday
Total world cases: 4,097,044-------------------89,752 increase
Total fatalities:  280,131------------------------4,394 increase
UK total: 215,260------------------------------- 3,896 increase
UK Fatalities: 31,547--------------------------- 306 increase

The figures are still going up - although apparently the curves are flattening.  But as far as I can see - its not changing really....

It is difficult trying to pull anything interesting out from the news over the past couple of days - South Korea who did extremely well in this pandemic and have tried to get back to normal are closing places in the city centre again after seeing a rise in cases - a warning to the rest of us!

The rest of the news just annoys me - what the UK should have done differently, what mistakes we made - how we had to send samples to the US for testing due to lab 'issues'....blame....blame...

Its as though the reporters can't think of anything else to report about...in the USA their idiot president met with Military leaders - around a big table for a photo opportunity and proper social distancing measures were not adhered to....Obama has said that the pandemic has been a 'chaotic disaster'....so again - not really news....

So - Friday for me was crappy....me and Andy had a tiny fallout over what I was doing for our family quiz - but really it was me just being in a crappy place.  I went off and fell asleep for a bit - then went off and had a bath....just feeling depressed....then we managed to forget about it - and ordered Chinese and watched TV until bedtime.  So - uneventful crap day!

Saturday - I got up - the sun was shining - I felt positive and decided that I was going to have a good day!!  I had a video chat with Helen, we spoke through some of the things we experienced with Dad - she isn't getting an opportunity to talk about it (which was the advice of her psychiatrist colleague) because Paul has his own issues having lost his Dad already and then a step Dad.  So I tried to give her the opportunity to speak in depth about what we went through - and we both got upset at points...then we moved on and spoke about a few unrelated things before getting off the phone.  I don't know if it did her any good - but I hope it did.

I then made a breakfast casserole - and stuck it in the fridge and tidied and cleaned the kitchen - then Andy got up.  We went out into the garden - and the weather was glorious! we listened to music - said Hi to our guests who came and sat on their side!  We cooked some chicken on the BBQ - had a few drinks - we managed to put together some Pimms and lemonade - with pieces of orange and pear!



Pimm's, English County Garden

We sat outside talking about the places we want to visit when all this madness is over - places in the UK like Cornwall - Andy really loves Newquay, I'd like to go to some quieter places, maybe lakes I can swim in (I always love anything to do with water).  I was also saying that it would be great to hire a big place in Cornwall with its own bit of beach for all the family to come too....  I also fantasised about some amazing tropical beach somewhere!  I've been looking up pictures online recently - just searching for clear turquoise sea - and some amazing pics come up - I just want to go to one of these places! They are usually Australia or Bali....but I don't need to go that far - any Caribbean island would be good!! We also talked about how awesome it will be when all of our kids and their partners (and their kids!) can come over and we can all just have lots of fun together - share meals, stories - just the normal stuff.  We were keeping the mood good and not allowing ourselves to talk about the damn virus or anything associated to it.  If I went onto that subject - Andy would stop me and we'd get back on to all the fun stuff!  We played the garden game Smite too - won one each and left it there...all good fun.

As it got later - we went inside and had a game of pool for the first time in AGES....literally months.  I won both games hehehe and we were part way through our 3rd game when Helen and Paul called - so we left that and sat down - and had a get-together with them (online) 


This was Paul's impression of an invisible man! lol

We got off the call when our Chinese food turned up - for the second night in a row!!  We have zero discipline and it's really not good....although that's the problem - the food is good and takes zero preparation!!

Anyway - today has been the best day in a long time.  With short bursts of thinking of my Dad, and feeling a bit sad....and having to tell myself - don't go there....

So today (Sunday) which I will probably write about tomorrow as I always seem a day behind now, I have breakfast casserole all prepared to start the day off, and it has just gone into the oven because I can hear Andy getting up, I think we are going online on the VR and playing zombie games with H&P! lol and I have a mouse underneath the couch I am sat on because all of the cats are stalking around me - so we need to try and save it!  Yesterday I tried to save something that May had got - only to find it was the wrong end of a slow worm - that was wiggling about on its own accord.  




Friday, 8 May 2020

Not a great day....

Wednesday

Total world cases: 3,807,554-------------------  97,109 increase

Total fatalities:  264,006-------------------------7,012 increase

UK total: 201,101-------------------------------  6,111 increase

UK Fatalities: 30,076--------------------------- 649 increase


Thursday

Total world cases: 3,909,187-------------------101,633 increase

Total fatalities:  270,249-------------------------6,243 increase

UK total: 206,715-------------------------------  5,614 increase

UK Fatalities: 30,615--------------------------- 539 increase


What can I say that I haven't already said? Its crap - ppl are still dying.....The majority of Thursday's papers were focused on the prospect of some possible changes to the lockdown.


"Happy Monday" is the celebratory headline in the Sun, as it reports on a likely "easing of lockdown restrictions".  The Daily Mail proclaims "Hurrah! Lockdown freedom beckons", while the Daily Express goes for: "First steps to freedom".  The Daily Star's headline describes 11 May as "magic Monday".  There is a lot of speculation about what measures are likely to be relaxed and when. The Guardian suggests that straight away people will be allowed to sunbathe, have picnics and go rambling.


I think all of the above is just stupid!!  I don't think Monday will bring any big changes to the lock down - and if there is then it is a big mistake.  The government already set lock down rules too late, surely they won't make the same mistake again - and let everybody out again too early.  I reckon any relaxation of the rules will be minor...we'll have to see won't we!


Our gardeners came yesterday - so I went out to have a quick chat (at a distance obviously) and Chloe asked how my new job was going - so I told her about only going in for one day, and then the next day I started to drive in, and turned around and came back because I just couldn't handle it - I told her how my dad caught the coronavirus - and said he didn't make it (I was really trying to hold back the tears) and then she started crying! which set me off!!  We discussed how crap it all is - she asked how old my dad was and that really gets to me.  People might hear 79 years old and think....well....he was old then.  But it wasn't like that - he was still working, still capable and still had years left!!  


Lissa also caught up with her own blog https://lilbeetroot.blogspot.com/  and she spoke about her grandad (my dad) being lost to the coronavirus - and it really made me cry.  Reading from her perspective - it was just really sad.  The fact that she is writing her blog again though, is a good thing!  She is due her baby in less than 3 weeks now! As I've said before - I was supposed to be there with them for the birth, and I felt privileged and excited, nervous - but it would have been so special to witness....but the coronavirus put an end to all that - even her partner Antony will be restricted in how long he will be able to spend with her and the baby...


I also spoke to Helen who said that she had spoken to a psychiatrist (a colleague - as she is a Dr of psychology) and she said... our brains haven’t processed it apparently.  Due to being unexpected, shocking, highly emotional... it’s not ‘processed’ in the way normal memories are.  So my colleague reminded me...Hence they keep coming back, advice is to not push them away but to talk about them.  So - me and Andy sat in the garden and I spoke about that last day in the hospital - getting all upset all over again - and then I just felt totally depressed - and so did Andy - who was very good and patient and just listened.  It didn't feel like it did any good yesterday - but today I feel better about it.  


So all-in-all yesterday was not a good day.  The only good thing was that - I got an email from my boss - who said not to come in this weekend - to leave it until Wednesday.  Phew.  A few more days - because I am dreading it.  I'll be in Wed/Thur/Fri - and then the Saturday is my birthday.  Not something I am looking forward to - because we can't go out or do anything, we don't really want to spend money because our future is uncertain - and I'm going to be 49!  My last year in my forties!  How did I get this old? Helen always reminds me that some people are not lucky enough to make it until 49 or 50....so there is that....  Each year, the weather on my birthday is usually really nice - my Dad always said to me that the sun always comes out on my birthday and I was born in a heatwave...he'd call me and say - see the weather is always good!!  So I'll miss that phone call....unless it rains lol.










Thursday, 7 May 2020

Slightly more productive day

Tuesday

Total world cases: 3,710,445-------------------  69,630 increase

Total fatalities:  256,994-------------------------5,178 increase

UK total: 194,990-------------------------------  4,406 increase

UK Fatalities: 29,427--------------------------- 693 increase


Wednesday

Total world cases: 3,807,554-------------------  97,109 increase

Total fatalities:  264,006-------------------------7,012 increase

UK total: 201,101-------------------------------  6,111 increase

UK Fatalities: 30,076--------------------------- 649 increase


So - as you can see we hit the 30,000 mark.  That is a massive amount of people.  Figures just keep going up and up....who knows where this will end, when it will end - if it will ever end.  


News - Bank of England warn of deep UK recession.  No shit Sherlock!  There is speculation that some lock down measures could be eased on Monday....really? because we are doing so well? I don't think so!  I guess some people just can't survive, pay the bills, buy food?  We live in fear of Andy losing his job, in fact his role has already gone and his team are gradually leaving and finding other roles - so the fear is finding a new job - and if it all goes wrong we would lose the house etc.  However, at the moment salaries are still being paid - so I guess we are lucky and would want the lock down measures to continue for our safety, but other people haven't been that lucky.  But - if the measures are reduced, more people WILL die...the government seem to simply be concerned about the NHS coping - not people losing actual lives.  It's tricky - because people are desperate to get some normality back, but a price will be paid until we get a vaccine...


Anyway - yesterday - Wednesday - I decided that I wasn't going to sit and do nothing all day like many days! So I went out into the nice weather and cut the grass.  It takes about an hour and a half as there is so much lawn area, I do about 11,000 steps - which is more than our 5km walks - closer to 10km.  So I guess it was exercise too.  However, there ends up a lot of thinking time, as walking up and down with a mower doesn't keep you mentally distracted - so I kept thinking about my dad which made me obviously very sad.  During this time, Andy was studying, for want of a better word, ready for an interview on Friday - he has been looking for another job but as you might imagine - not many people are hiring right now...  Once the mowing was done - and I got cleaned up - we went and sat in the garden with a beer and just chatted, chilled out.  We are both trying our best to keep our spirits up in the middle of the global catastrophe but it is not all that easy.  When the sun started to hide behind the house - we came indoors - made food and got ready to go online with Helen and Paul.  


It was about 7.30pm when we all got virtually together.  I started off asking Helen how she was - and she'd had a chat with a colleague who is a mental health something-or-other.  She mentioned post traumatic stress disorder - and I asked if she thought she had that (which wouldn't surprise me because what we went through in Manchester with Dad was pretty horrendous).  But she said no - PTSD is something that appears at a later date when you haven't processed something - whereas she is struggling mentally now - she then had to go off screen for a minute because she got upset.  I really felt for her - because she is doing what I keep doing - breaking down, remembering, hurting - it's not good.  She pulled herself together and we all tried to change the subject - and started chatting about other stuff for a while - before playing a game.  Me and Helen won - jointly - so we had a tie-breaker - and I lost lol.  It had been a very nice distraction for a while - and I think I said it on Tuesday when we were online with the kids - it's the new way of getting together with people - and although its all online, it is the closest thing we have to social interaction.  It was quite late when we got off this call - so we watched something briefly on TV then got to bed.  





Wednesday, 6 May 2020

Walking and quiz night


Monday

Total world cases: 3,640,815-------------------  82,266 increase

Total fatalities:  251,816------------------------- 4,212 increase

UK total: 190,584-------------------------------  3,985 increase

UK Fatalities: 28,734--------------------------- 288 increase


Tuesday

Total world cases: 3,710,445-------------------  69,630 increase

Total fatalities:  256,994-------------------------5,178 increase

UK total: 194,990-------------------------------  4,406 increase

UK Fatalities: 29,427--------------------------- 693 increase


Bloody 693 again - every time, I think we are going to continue to see downward figures in the UK's death rate - they go back up again.  This time - it makes us the worst hit Country in Europe and now the only country ahead of us is the USA.  The next headlines, either today or tomorrow will be that we have hit 30,000 (today being Wednesday - as I am behind because I am writing the figures a day behind atm because unlike when I was at my mums, I am not updating this blog before I go to sleep, but rather the next morning.


So, yesterday me and Andy went out for a walk and this time we did my old 10km running route - don't think we passed even one other person which was good - we go 4km along a main road and the rest of the way is down country lanes.  It was raining, which was nice and cooling - and the last 2-3km were fairly tough as my hips and feet were aching....but it was good to be out - and was good to feel like we were getting exercise.  Apparently Andy burnt over 1000 calories - and me just under 600.  That will explain why I put on 1lb - doesn't seem to matter what I do my weight just goes up and up.....  This was not the reason we were walking though - we need to get fitter and increase our chances of surviving if we catch the virus.  Especially Andy as about 70% of people dying from the virus are men, are large proportion are overweight...  I saw that Andy (and me to some extent) found parts of the walk tough because it goes steeply upwards - but I wanted to get our heart rate up, so we set a fair pace too...




The first pic is where we turn off the main road - and the second is half way up a big hill - so we are both looking knackered!



I got a nice shower when we got back - and Andy had to do some work...


Later we watched a bit of a new series called Into the Night - and I was chatting with Helen online - she has struggled again today - as have I to a smaller extent - I ended up not in the mood at all for our quiz night with the kids - however - I ended up really enjoying it again - it is just so good to get together with other people.  




So the top one is everybody looking quite normal - then Connor was doing his - penis thumb!! which was very funny! and the last one - Adam is doing a weird thing with his face!!!  So - yeah we're all pretty normal people.....??

Me and Andy won the quiz lol....only just, they were tough competition!!  Lissa and Antony were the quiz masters tonight!  Adam and Erika are hosting next week and us the week after!  I think that tonight we are getting together with Helen and Paul - and sometime soon we will get online with Yvonne and Stuart.  Its the new 'normal' was of getting together with people.  

Lissa has just 3 weeks until her due date - so if they only allow her to go 2 weeks over - the baby will definitely be with us sometime in the next 5 weeks!  Exciting and scary - scary because of what she will have to go through to have the baby!  Something, I should have been there for - another crap reminder of how this virus has changed so many things.  Then - we won't be able to actually go and see her or the baby - think I've mentioned this quite a few times already, but its just so crap!  Once I am back at work - I might have too much exposure to go and see her even when the lock down starts to ease - I couldn't risk passing anything to them!  

Anyway - today is Wednesday - I only have a few precious days left before I have to go back to work - something I am not looking forward to, but at the same time, I just want to get a little normal in my life - if you can call this normal as I haven't been out to work for a few years now...and....well actually it will be nothing like 'normal' will it....




Tuesday, 5 May 2020

Lock down day 100,135....or so it feels

Sunday
Total world cases: 3,554,549-------------------  88,884 increase
Total fatalities:  247,604------------------------- 3,857 increase
UK total: 186,599-------------------------------  4,339 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,446--------------------------- 315 increase

Monday
Total world cases: 3,640,815-------------------  82,266 increase
Total fatalities:  251,816------------------------- 4,212 increase
UK total: 190,584-------------------------------  3,985 increase
UK Fatalities: 28,734--------------------------- 288 increase

So - its Tuesday today - but I didn't update the figures last night - look how the UK fatalities have reduced, I hope it is even lower today!  It is great news - not for the people that still died however, but great for the people still alive that could have been just another number if we hadn't locked down.  The news is always discussing when the lock down will be lifted, and I understand people want to get back to normal - or as normal as it can be, but come on people!!  Don't rush - lets continue to save lives and not go out until it is really safe!!  

I am trying to type one-handed, as one of my cats - mercky is paddy-pawing my arm and licking me as she has done since she was a kitten.  My arms always look a little shredded but its so sweet...

cat, paddy paw


Anyway in the news yesterday the Nightingale Hospital in London - built in the excel centre to take 4,000 patients has stepped down as it is not needed anymore.  I don't think it was ever even a quarter full - they built it all but didn't have the staff to manage it!  But it is great news that its not full of people!  I'm not sure how they predicted we'd need it - we ended up one of the worse hit countries and yet didn't really need it.  I believe this is because they managed to free up so many beds in hospitals.  The doctor staying with us in our annex told me that the hospital is really really quiet because they don't have many covid patients, and there are no visitors allowed in the hospital.  So far from being over run it is eerily quiet.  We are no way near over this nightmare however - and there is fear of a 2nd wave once we all emerge from our houses....

The news is boring - same old stuff....companies losing business (new car sales down 97%), articles about what to expect at work when the lock down is eased (all of a sudden we won't need 2 metres distance between us, suddenly a metre is fine!), there is to be a trial of a tracing/tracking app on the Isle of Wright (to see if you have been in contact with infected people)...who died of the virus that we might know (keyboard player from the Strangles), midwives still delivering babies in the middle of the chaos (the token good news story).....Countries doing well....countries doing badly....predictions....guesses....

So....yesterday - we organised our food and meal plan as we always have to make our shopping last us until the next one....we seems to be saving money as we are not wasting food like we might normally do.  We went for a walk - we did a 5km route that I used to run.  Took a few pics...



It felt today that Andy was feeling low - not surprising considering that we are in the middle of a pandemic, his job is not secure, we can't leave the house or go anywhere other than the walk, we've suffered a bereavement - the world as we knew it has gone, hopefully temporary but who knows what the new normal will be like - it all sucks really.  I kept having low moments too - suddenly thinking about not seeing my dad again...

Groundhog days....the highlight of our day being.....can't think of anything....well...yesterday was saving a mouse from the cats and it looking undamaged (unlike the dead one we found earlier in the day).  We got to the end of Money Heist....that has kept me occupied in the evenings for a couple of weeks.  Have to d=find something else now.  There are other things I could be doing - getting my sowing machine out and making masks, painting in the attic, cleaning....but I am not doing any of these things.  Lost all motivation - for quite a while now!  Not sure how to make this better - when I force myself to do things and not sit around like this....


in my PJ's, unbrushed hair.......I don't seem to get any pleasure from it and it feels like so much effort.

Tonight we are having another quiz night with the kids - that should be good.....sorry - I'm obviously not feeling in a great place right now.....