Letter to my Dad

This is quite personal, but is is something I have decided to do - because I think I need to.  I debated keeping this private - but it is my blog, my diary and I'm just laying it all out there....

Dad,

I am so so so so sorry that this happened to you!  I know you'd be pissed off knowing that this damn virus got to you - and you couldn't beat it.  We were so hopeful weren't we? We thought that you'd be back home! We discussed when that might be and I really believed it - I really believed you would win the fight!  I know you tried as hard as you could and there was nothing more you could do.  I'm so angry dad, you didn't deserve this - you didn't deserve to suffer like that.  It must have been so terrible - and so scary.  You told me if you got pneumonia you'd be a gonner - and you were right.  Seeing you near the end with that huge mask on was awful, and it was really awful not being able to understand what you were saying a lot of the time.  I'm sorry if you said things to me that I just nodded to - but there is only so many times I could ask you to repeat it - without feeling terrible and I could see it was difficult for you.  I'm also so sorry that we couldn't be there with you.  I know you were so upset when your Dad died alone, and I always thought that no matter what - I'd be there for you and I couldn't be.

I know that your biggest worry would have been Mum.  Well me and helen have been here for her the whole time, and you'd be proud of her - she is doing well and I think she will get through it so don't worry!!

Dad - the amount of people sending their wishes and condolences is huge - so many people thought so much of you - you've made us all so proud, so proud that you were our dad!  I think it has helped mum so much - having so many people sending their best wishes etc. 

You did such a great job and were so organised with all your paperwork - so we (mainly Helen) have been sorting out everything we possibly can for Mum so she doesn't have to do it and made this so much easier for us! We had no idea at all that you were so well organised!

Apparently you said to a few people that you wanted the song Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - at your funeral!  Mum wasn't keen to be honest, but she understands - and it is so typical of you to want something that would make people smile through the tears. 

I am going to miss you so much - I know that you knew how much I loved you  how much all of us loved you.  We can't come together at this awful time, but we all got together online - you would have been proud - we all got quite drunk and had many laughs - talking about you and your stories!  You have instilled in us all - a sense of family and a good sense of humour! 

Dad, thank you so much for all the help you gave us with the house!  I plan on sanding and repainting the door you fixed for us when I get back home again!  I found the sash window you made for me in the garage - it made me cry to think of the effort you had put in to make it - and it was one of the last things you said to me - I need to do your sash window!  Well don't worry - the window you made will be fitted - I'll arrange it, your effort will not be wasted!!

I'll never get over losing you dad.  You meant the world to me.  I know I was your favourite ;-) You just didn't admit it because you didn't want to upset the others!! 

Who I am going to turn to when I need advice on DIY? I have thought to myself a few times already - I'll ask my dad...(like trying to work your lawn mower!) and then remembered I can't anymore, and it hurts.  I know you wouldn't want us to be sad and upset but that is too difficult right now, we are all heart broken. 

You would be touched by the tributes - there might even be a Roy Carter Challenge Cup rugby match later in the year.  Different organisation like Langworthy and the Art Club have all done their own tributes - with so many comments - and even shared stories that have made us all laugh.

Rest easy dad - with no worries.  Mum will be okay - we will make sure of it.  She is stronger than you think - or maybe you knew?

Love you forever. xxx