reflection

So, a strange thing happened.  I stopped writing my blog, stopped looking at the coronavirus figures, stopped watching, listening or reading the news and I stopped thinking about my Dad. 

I suppose I realised that I was not thinking about my Dad – I had to do that because it was just too painful and upsetting – so I had to put it out of my mind whenever it popped up.  I did realise though that if something forced me to think about it – like my mum talking to me about him – I found it unusually upsetting and I would have to try and push it down again.  This hasn’t changed – I am writing this without thinking about him, or trying….

We went to a garden centre the other day – an unusual thing to do nowadays!  We picked out a couple of benches and arranged delivery and then we were led all the way through the place to the tills, and on the way we went through the clothes section – and wham….I remembered the last time I had been there – I was with my Mum and Dad – and me and mum spent ages looking at clothes and my dad was bored waiting for us and was looking at the books opposite.  As I remembered all this – I could see him there and basically by the time I got to the till with the guy I was wiping away tears and just wanted to sob.  I didn’t sob – and I managed to act normal – but then after I paid I mentioned it to Andy and got really upset and it was then that I realised, properly realised that I just don’t allow myself to think about him or anything to do with what happened – because it hurts too much. 

I also try and bury my head in the sand and not think about Andy’s problems getting a job – and this is bad but I don’t like him talking to me about it – not until he can say – don’t worry! It’s all sorted! I know that is selfish and he needs support and somebody to talk to – but as I am realising – I am putting my head firmly in the sand about many things.

I am trying not to complain and get really down about my job too – the actual job is fine I suppose – the people are really nice, but I do not want to be getting up and coming to work! Simple as that – I want my time back – time to work on the house – time to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it.  OOhhh the good old days, when I decorated, shopped and cooked and chilled….money wasn’t really a worry – we just needed a bit extra for the work we wanted to continue doing.  Then I stupidly applied for a job lol.  Then the virus hit, Andy’s job went tits up, I had to start the new job at the height of the virus and then I lost my dad. Boom.

I have looked at the news today and there is talk of the over 50's being isolated if the should there be a spike in coronavirus levels.  Andy is 50 in September - next month - so that may well effect him!  I'm not 50 until next May, although I would very much like having to stay at home!  I though though, they will assess your risk if you are aged 50 - not every over 50 year old....

Also in the news today is that the state of Victoria in Australia has declared a 'state of disaster' after a rise in coronavirus cases.  They are going into full lock down.  So this virus is no way near done yet!  In this country we have now lost 46,196 people and had 303,952 cases.  I don't know what the daily death rates are now - on 1st August it was 74.  So still a fair amount.  Lock down has eased loads with shops open, pubs open - although it is far from normal when you go to these places.  This will probably cause a spike and I think the government are aware of that as they are looking at what to do 'if' the levels spike - I think it is more about 'when' the levels spike.  

Apparently Boris Johnson is considering sealing off Greater London and ordering at-risk members of the population to stay at home under a potential scenario designed to avert a second national lockdown. Possible measures include locking down the capital if infection rates spike and tightening quarantine rules on those flying into the U.K., there would be travel curbs in and out of the M25 highway encircling Greater London and a ban on overnight stays.

So really there is nothing in the news saying - we are beating this!  It is all about rising levels after the easing of the lockdown - and what we are going to do about it.

We are about 6 months in from our first cases in the UK.  I can't even hazard a guess when we might see some form of 'normal'.  However, I guess we are all getting more used to it and it seems less urgent, stressful and weird!